Wrong…

Strange title for me to choose when I’m trying to see the positives in life. The thing is, being human I am wrong on occasion. Probably fairly often, if I’m being truthful. This “wrong” is related to judging before knowing.

I remember years ago (so many, I’d rather not put a number to it) being a university student and living in a dorm. There was a girl with whom I did not hit it off. Her boyfriend and my boyfriend were friends which made my instant dislike awkward. Long story short we found ourselves out on the town together. Okay, we were at our university bar together. We were basically the first in the dorm to finish our exams. They had been particularly gruelling and it didn’t seem to matter to us with whom we would party, just that we would release the exam stress with someone. It was a really fun night and we bonded. She was not what I thought - what I perceived was wrong. It’s that simple.

Flash forward a few decades and here I am in my little village. I have a neighbour who I’ve nicknamed “grumpy old guy” because I perceived him to be annoyed with me on a regular basis. As I am on a corner lot, I have two strips of property along the road. I’ve been having issues with my hedge trimmer and have not cleaned up the longer stretch of my property. In fact, I hadn’t even cleaned up the shorter stretch. [For a little context: the shorter stretch is along the sidewalk and is basically “woodsy”. There are a lot of cedars and other things growing there and I try, twice a summer, to trim it back so that people walking on the sidewalk will not be accosted by the overgrowth. The longer stretch is on a street without a sidewalk, and mostly appeals to puppy dogs!]

Yesterday was our free day to drop off brush at our local dump. I took as much as I could fit in my car and when it turned out to be light compared to truck loads being dumped, the guys told me I could take another load. Well, that was a big deal as I have a lot of cleanup I’m trying to get done. So, I started hacking more dead branches from trees and bushes that didn’t fare well over winter. While I was in my yard doing that, my neighbour was out cutting the long side of my property beside the street. As I’m getting scratched up and trying to jam as much as I can fit into my SUV, my thoughts are flying. I’m still working full-time. I don’t have time to do everything and I’m trying to do all this on my own. Well, fine, if he wants to be pissed off with me and clean it up, let him! Like I said, my thoughts were flying.

After I got a second load out to the dump, I decided I’d better get working along the shorter side of my property, the sidewalk area. It was getting pretty bad. I was working away when grumpy old guy drove by. He backed up and parked to talk with me. To be honest, I was feeling bad about my thoughts and apologized for not getting the cleanup done earlier. And you know what? He thanked me for the work I was doing on the corner. He pointed out it’s difficult for cars to see around and I had just opened up a line of sight. And my apology? He flat out told me it’s not my job to look after that part of the property. We pay taxes and we have a right to expect this work to be done. Now, this isn’t about whether or not our Public Works are doing their jobs or anything like that. I’ve always tried to keep the street side tidy as I have everywhere I’ve lived.

This was about me being wrong. The man wasn’t grumpy, he was appreciative. I judged him with nothing more than a perception that came from my mind, not his behaviour or attitude. We haven’t really spoken but that can be on me as much as on him. I’m relatively shy and perhaps he is, too. He was very kind to me and I expect going forward that we will be friendly as we pass or run into each other.

There are so many times I find myself in a judgemental frame of mind. Sometimes it happens honestly. I encounter someone’s attitude or behaviour toward me and I take my cue from that. Other times I observe and make a judgement call. It’s probably valid some of the time and probably not a little more often. I have some incredible friends. There are things about them that I appreciate but maybe don’t appreciate in others. That’s wrong. Sometimes I might see something in myself that I ignore and don’t work on but as soon as I see it in someone else, I feel they are lacking.

This week I started asking myself some questions. Have I always given others the opportunity to see the me that I want to display? A friend and colleague told me that in all the time he’s been in our company and known me, he feels I’ve been disregarded. My initial ego reaction was thank you as that means there is something impressive about me. My deeper reaction was to question why would one see it and not another. Do I put on my best face? Probably not. Do I want to? There’s the bigger question.

Do I want to know others better? This comes down to my approach to life. To me it’s a question of whether I want to expand my network and potentially my group of friends. I have a very good friend who has told me she has enough friends. She has tons of friends and so, while we joke about it, I think I understand what she’s saying. She is one of the busiest people I know and perhaps she doesn’t have the time and energy for more. But what do I feel? I enjoy being a people manager and I enjoy the acquaintanceships I’ve made in the village and especially the friendship I have with my other neighbours. It’s up to me to be open to more.

Am I willing to give others the benefit of the doubt? Unfortunately, I think this is one area where I really need to improve. The older I get, the better I am but I can still improve. It can be difficult to remember that we often don’t see the whole picture. What we’re judging is only a small part. During my master’s one of our presenters put 1+1=3 on the board. He’s right. There is what we see, what we know, and a whole lot of what we don’t. It’s important for me to remember that and I’ll continue to work on it.

So, that’s my week - reminders about how easy it is to be wrong and how much better it is to be open to all the goodness out there. I saw a meme on Facebook this week that said kindness is loaning someone your strength instead of reminding them of their weakness. I’m going to try to remember that when my first inclination is judgement. My strength can be to open myself up to the goodness in people.

Some of the cleanup I was doing this weekend. We had an easy winter and the weather so far has been great for growing. Lots of tree branches were expanding over the dining table. It’s much better now and more comfortable for sitting out.

Another area of cleanup. Since last summer a number of my bushes along one side of my fence have been dying off - I got rid of lots of dead limbs and we’ll see what happens now!

Something new is coming soon! Unfortunately, I ran out of steam this weekend but hopefully will be able to finish after work this week.

When I transplanted this bush I really wasn’t sure how it would fare. Well, it’s thriving!