Untitled…

I had a tough time writing this blog. Not because writing or having something to say is difficult for me but because I couldn’t settle on a topic. I’ve started a few blogs and set them aside over the last year and, hopefully, I’ll come back and finish each one. This week has been a “light” week for me. I haven’t had a calendar packed with back to back meetings, the weather has been cool overnight allowing me to open windows and turn off the air conditioner, and my spirit feels lighter than it has in a long time. So, I guess this blog will focus on my lightness of spirit. At least, that’s how I’ll start; guess I’ll see what it is by the time I end.

In the culture of my company work experience, a light calendar is a bit shocking and brings with it feelings of guilt. My goodness, when I look around me everyone is crazy busy and barely keeping their heads above water. How can I have it so easy this week? If I was being completely honest with myself, a light week is all about relativity. I’ve had a lot of catch up to do, lots of “paperwork”, and am not lacking in things to keep me active. Without the overwhelmingness of that work plus numerous meetings and calls makes each day feel as though I’m not working hard enough. And for once, I haven’t cared.

I don’t like travelling in the summer because I have my pool (and with the money spent to put it in and maintain, it feels like wasting money not to be using it daily) and lots of yard work to keep me busy. For some reason this week and the lightness I’m feeling means a different approach to the yard. We’ve had a lot of thunderstorms and instead of planning or worrying about getting the lawn mowed and the gardens weeded, I’ve just sat back. I love watching my morning news but because of the storms and the cool mornings, I’ve found myself welcoming the morning from my kitchen porch instead of in front of the t.v. Sitting with my tea and newspaper as the sky lightens and the world comes alive has been perfect. I haven’t sat there trying to plan my day or sort out when I can get things done in between meetings. I’ve just sat and breathed it all in. I’m sure that’s contributed to my lightness.

Here it is the weekend and looking back on my week, I realize that I only worked an eight hour workday almost all week. As I wrote earlier, being busy is a badge we wear and this week I took the badge off. I didn’t log in extra early and I didn’t work extra-long. It’s a pleasure to look back on this week and recognize that I took my lighter week and didn’t fall into the guilt trap.

Being me, I couldn’t just feel lighter and not wonder about the why. Knowing what created that sensation might help me duplicate it or at least understand it. I explained that my work calendar was quiet, and the weather didn’t have the weight of humidity but what else was going on that brightened my soul? Certainly, the fresh air brought in through the open windows and doors was refreshing. Being less busy at work meant I was keeping up with the daily household chores that are important to me: tidying, dishes, laundry, etc. Due to the amount of rain we had, I let the yard “be” for the week and instead relaxed in the pool. That all sounds quite simplistic like living a life of balance. Really, if we actually worked eight hour days and slept eight hours a night, we’d have a full eight hours for other living. Now, most of us will never achieve that. If you’re driving to work, that time comes off your “other living” time. If you’ve got children at home, your “other living” is filled with meeting their needs. It’s never going to be a perfect balance. What this week did for me is helped me recognize possibilities. And with only a few years until I can retire, it did more for me than all my writing has done. I didn’t think about retirement, I just accepted the lightness and enjoyed my week. And I think, looking back, it helped me see retirement in a different way.

I want to enjoy something else in retirement. I’d be thrilled if I can find a way to make writing “my thing”. I’m not ready to give up work completely but I want the work to feed me in a way that I don’t have now. What writing does for me, the whole me, is becoming more and more obvious. Now it’s time for me to find out how to make that my reality. I have time before I retire and I can use that time to learn and plan and with some hard work and luck, achieve.

I think that’s what the lightness was about. I wasn’t weighed down by the heaviness of a job that doesn’t give me satisfaction. It doesn’t mean that I’m not grateful for having a job. It doesn’t mean that I don’t recognize a good-to-work-for company. It doesn’t mean that I’m not good at what I do. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have a solid work ethic and make sure I’m giving all that I can. It means that this isn’t giving my heart, head, and soul what I need to be happy and content. There isn’t a feeling of fulfillment in my day to day work life. And guess what? This past week has helped me understand that that’s okay, too. Not every job is going to be what speaks to you. Sometimes we just have to do something to pay the bills and make it through. And it’s okay to realize that you might be in a job that doesn’t suit you or perhaps it no longer suits you. Perhaps you’ve grown out of the job. In the meantime, you’re working hard and doing your best to make it through each day. Knowing that it’s time to move on isn’t a bad thing, in my mind. It’s smart to understand where you’re at and consider where you want to be. And then embrace those feelings and do what you can to get where you need to be. I believe we all need to be fed. I’m blessed to have had this past week. Without the heavy weight wearing me down I was able to identify what I want and need and start working on a way to get it.

But did I discover what triggered the lightness? I think, as I wrote, the “easy” work week and the weather contributed. But that wasn’t all of it. I did some things that helped me on the path to lightness. I’ve had a couple of difficult situations lately and made the difficult choice to speak up. Sometimes we don’t share our thoughts. We just go along with someone else’s needs. We do what we can, but we aren’t true to ourselves. We don’t live an authentic life by doing that and eventually that lack will be too heavy to continue to carry. In my case, I was finally honest with someone. Let me tell you, I’m not going to recommend that everyone do that. It was essential to me to move forward. It didn’t go well. In fact, it caused quite a rift. Hopefully, it will heal. I believe it will. In the meantime, though, I said what I needed to say. I wasn’t deliberately mean or nasty. In my case, I hadn’t been truthful for years. I let things slide by and they became a burden on my mind and heart. I will warn you, be careful before you speak up. Make sure you’re being true to yourself without name-calling or being cruel. You have to realize that how it’s received may not align with your intentions. In my case it did not go well. But it did lift a weight of bitterness. I do not want to be a person who grows old and twisted. I don’t want to look at the world through a lens of disappointment or resentment. That doesn’t mean I’m going to shout nasties at people, but it does mean I have to be careful not to hoard the nastiness inside. It’s a delicate balance and I don’t have it all figured out.

My week has not ended with the lightness of the previous days. A problem for someone close to me has put a heavy weight on my heart. I don’t have the answers. However, I will always be there for them and willing to do whatever is necessary to help. I know they want to bear the weight alone so it’s important for them to know I’m here and that my love and support will never go away. That’s what we do for each other. We offer to help carry worries and lighten loads. I have had a week of lightness and know that it’s not a constant. Life is never always easy. Nor is it always hard. It’s a series of highs and lows and lots of the in between. I think my week of lightness gave me what I needed to be able to say, “I’m here for you”. I’m grateful for the strength that it’s given me to be able to support someone else. Heavy hearts don’t stick around forever. Sometimes it might feel like they do but I take a lot of comfort from the ease of this past week. Celebrate the lightness, let it give you the strength to carry on even during the difficult times.

At this time of year, darkness starts arriving again before bedtime. I love the light given off by these candles in my windows. I use a different set of candles during the winter but for summer I love these colours.

The view from my kitchen porch often includes these visitors to my bird feeder.

A precious gift from a special cousin brought me hope.