The Older I Get…
The older I get, the more selfish I am becoming.
Although I’ve used the word selfish, I’m not actually sure that it’s selfish to go after what I want. I’ve reached a time in my life when I need to consider myself before saying yes to others. What does that mean for me? It means I made a difficult decision and resigned from a committee that was not a positive experience. In previous years I would have suffered through, but no longer. It means that if I need to spend a weekend at home, I’ll do it. I still work hard to be there for others, but I recognize that constantly putting other people first can take a toll on my mental and physical health. It means that when someone tries to tell me they know better than I do what it’s like to live in my body, I shut them down. It’s important that I do what’s right for me, especially as I get older.
The older I get, the more I want to clear out the clutter.
When my son was younger, I wanted to hold onto all the special drawings and the well-loved stuffed animals and the games and toys. Special cards at Christmas and birthdays were too precious to throw out. I wanted to keep the memories alive by hanging onto the written words. It doesn’t seem like cards take up a lot of room, so why worry about them? Let me tell you that after a while everything takes up a lot of room. What I’ve come to realize is that the things aren’t keeping the memories alive. Some of the stories have been lost. I don’t remember the why of keeping all of those things anymore. I’ve discovered the really special memories are in my mind and my heart. I’ve taken some of the most special items out of the bins and use them in my décor. What I’m not sure about is whether the cards and pictures will be helpful when I’m significantly older if my memory lapses. I guess that’s why I haven’t completely emptied out my remembrance bin.
And it's not just memory-type items I’ve kept. It’s all the extra “things”. I’m really looking at how many things I own that never get used. How many throw cushions or towels does one person need? Yes, I like to decorate for the seasons, but I don’t change up décor on a monthly basis! The other realization is that the me of today is not the same as the me of thirty or twenty or even five years ago. I continue to grow and change and that drives a lot of what I have in the house. I know I’ll never be a minimalist so I’m adopting a “if I don’t use it, it goes” rule.
The older I get, the more important money becomes.
Now, here’s an interesting thought! I’ve always disliked the “money doesn’t buy happiness” belief. Why? Because while it may not be the foundation of happiness, it sure makes a big part of life easier. If you are always stressed about bills or buying groceries, driving your car almost until empty because you just can’t afford the gas, then yes, money would help pave a bit of the path toward happiness. [Before you offer solutions like, take the bus, grow your food, please remember that transit isn’t widely available everywhere and vegetable gardens need money to start and energy to create and maintain. When your life is exhausting, it can be hard to find the extra energy needed.] Now, I’m pretty blessed. I don’t spend every day wondering how I’m going to make it to the next paycheque.
What I am noticing on a personal basis is a concern creeping into my thoughts about retirement. Will I have enough to live on? Will I be able to travel occasionally? Will I be able to continue working on my home? Will I be able to do the maintenance on my home? Yes, I have a pension plan and yes, I run the numbers on it every so often. I’ve got savings as well to contribute. What I’ve pushed to the side until recently is my reality of being alone. I won’t be doing this on two salaries/pensions. As of today, I’ll be doing it on one. There’s a significant difference possible between two retired people and one. So, yes, money has become more important. I’ve never been a person who is monetarily driven. I didn’t take every overtime shift offered because I weighed the outcomes. Sometimes being with my son was far more important than working on a day off. Now, all these years later, I have to consider the money side of getting older. And consider and plan is what I’m doing to make it through.
The older I get, the less I understand.
What I’ve come to appreciate is how little I actually know. And I’m not just talking about new technology that might take me a little longer to figure out. I’m talking about the world as a whole. There was a time when I thought I understood certain historical events. We were taught about the situations that precipitated the start of the world wars, for instance. I’ve done a ton of reading about World War II. I figured I had a pretty good handle on it. And now, I look around at what’s happening in so many areas of the world and I wonder how we can be in this mess again. It feels like the world is on the precipice of another world event. Recently on a news program I heard about a political party in Poland that actively campaigns against certain groups (Jewish people, homosexuals, in particular). There is more to their rhetoric, but I don’t want this to be about them. What shocks me is that there are people who will vote for the party and justify it by saying they are voting for their proposed tax reform. Look at how many people were willing to vote for the previous U.S. president amidst an anti-immigration campaign. What’s even more scary are the people who voted because of his dangerous dialogue against certain people.
So, when I say I know less it has a lot to do with what I see happening around me. It’s also about the amount of knowledge and experiences there are out there ready to be encountered. There is so much excitement out there. So much history to be learned, so many areas to see and so many different people to meet and learn from. Having said that, I have gathered lots of experience over the years. I know that every new person I meet gives me the chance to find out something new about the world and about myself. How incredible a gift it is to welcome all that is out there. I also know that tolerance and acceptance are some of our greatest strengths. If we are open to hearing and seeing others, we will go a long way in building communities of trust. I know that trust is foundational. Having people I can trust in my life is the only way I can continue forward. I can’t do this all on my own. I need people and I am grateful daily for those in my life who support and encourage me.
Even when I feel lousy or beaten or discouraged, I am grateful. Sometimes I’m grateful for the end of a difficult workday. Sometimes, like today, I’m grateful for a mother who still shows up for me. She came and spent the weekend with me, after going to the nursery and picking up my list of flowers. How amazing is that?! We had time together and got everything planted today. Even when I feel worried or panicked, I have people who hold me up, supporting and encouraging me. And I’m grateful to be able to be that friend to others. I’m grateful to have enough strength to support them and hold them up when they need it. The older I get, the more gratitude and appreciation I feel.
Some of this year’s plants, picked out by my mom.
This year’s cauldron. In a couple of weeks, I expect the wave petunias will be flowing over the sides!
I love this window planter at the back of my driveway on a shed. I can’t wait to see it as the geraniums spread out!
Last year I had lavender planted in these barrels. This year we’re trying begonias. I’m loving the look!