Confidence…
A few things have happened in the last couple of weeks that have driven me to write this blog. I attended a high school play in which my neighbours’ child had a role. The first night had a lot of parents in attendance and my neighbours were among them. When I went on the second night, there seemed to be a lot of high school friends of the cast dispersed amongst the audience seats. As I sat waiting for the curtains to open, I found myself watching two girls in particular who were seated a few rows ahead of me. They were outgoing, pretty, and having a ton of fun, from my perspective. I noticed they were very comfortable, and it got me thinking back to when I was in high school. [Wow, that’s a long time ago!] I don’t know if I was ever that sure of myself. It was interesting to watch them in action. They were obviously having lots of fun, especially once the play started. I was a little envious of their self-confidence. They belonged there. Not in an entitled way. Just in a self-assured, “I’m home” sort of way.
I have season tickets for my favourite football team. Most of the seats around mine are occupied by season ticket holders. There is a couple who sit in front of me who are so much fun to watch. They get completely into the game and keep everyone in the area energized. The wife seems so cool. She has a style that is unique. I’ve never seen her wear sports gear or fan gear to a game. She’s always dressed slightly bohemian, slightly casual, slightly skater. She’s probably around my age. What fascinates me is how connected they seem to be and yet, quite different. He wears the fan and sports clothing. He definitely knows the game inside and out. She unapologetic if she doesn’t understand something. She’s very sure of herself. She just looks comfortable in her own skin, so to speak. I’m not these days and maybe that’s why she stands out for me.
Just last week I started with someone “new to me”. She’s been in the company for awhile but we’re both new to a current project. Part of her approach is to book a meeting to get to know a person. It’s not my way of doing things. I tend to learn about people organically. In that meeting, I was struck by how sure she is of herself, her strengths, her place in the project and the company. You would think that having 14 more years in the company myself, I might feel pretty sure of my place in things, too. She seems to have a way of presenting herself that leaves no room for doubt.
Last week I attended a social outing with our work group. While not something I would normally join, I’m very thankful I stepped outside of my comfort zone that evening. This group is really quite interesting. For one thing, they’re the most diverse group of people I have ever met in our company. They come from all over the world, they’re educated, travelled, and have a wide array of backgrounds. I’ve wondered how they will work out since most of them don’t know much about our industry and certainly not about the service we provide. A lot of the people in our company are there for a lifetime career, as I am. What I discovered from speaking with a few of this diverse team is that they don’t need us. I need the company so that I can draw a full pension for retirement. They can learn from this job and move on. They have skills and education that will make them a draw for a variety of positions. It was quite enlightening to take the time to chat and I’m very grateful that I did. It was eye-opening and gave me a new perspective.
It made me think about what I want going forward. I don’t think I want to bounce around with different companies, but it does make me think that if I want something, I should be doing all I can to pursue it and I haven’t been yet. I’ve been tired and worn out and still carrying the weight of that bad week I had. I let what happened erode the faith and belief that I’ve had in myself. I’ve become focused on “getting out”. I don’t expect that I’ll suddenly have everything figured out and become sure of myself. But I do expect myself to straighten my shoulders and recognize all that I do have: intelligence, education, commitment, strong work ethic, etc.
It all comes down to self-confidence. Do I have confidence that I can do a job or succeed or make this house a home or create a retirement that brings peace and joy? Do I believe in myself? I think most people have moments where they questions themselves. I think it’s natural to have doubts. What I don’t think is natural is letting the doubts take over. So, I’ve been wondering what I can do to achieve more self-confidence.
I actually came up with some tangible options. I believe that I’ve done a very good job with this house and will continue to make it special. As I look around, I’m very proud of the fact that this house is not a showpiece. It’s a lived in home. Not every pan is put away and not every speck of dust is eliminated. My yard is in desperate need of mowing, which may have to wait for another couple of days due to my schedule. There are lots of weeds to pull but the flowers are beautiful and fragrant. I have lots of little jobs still to do before the sitting room is complete, but it’s almost there and I smile each time I walk into the room. One of the best decisions I ever made was to have a screen door installed on the front. I open it each morning to welcome a flow of air into the house. My kitchen porch is still a happy place for me. It's secluded from the street, and I can sit and relax in peace.
If I don’t fit in a particular job, it doesn’t mean I can’t do my best each and every day. Working hard isn’t hard to do if you’re trying to find positives in each day. And those days always come with opportunities to learn. I think the chances of advancing skills and knowledge are especially strong when you find yourself in an awkward fit. And I think being always open to something new is the best way forward. You never know what might be around the next corner if you’re willing to look.
I’m not happy with my physical self these days. I’ve let the mental health struggles and stress win and have fed my body instead of feeding my wellness. I am fighting back now and doing all that I am able to make an improvement. This is the thing that gets to me the most. I’m uncomfortable in public because I’m ashamed of my weight and shape. Even going to events that I love, like football, I would be happier to melt into the background and not be seen. I’m really trying to get past that. I want to be healthy and fit into my clothes. I want to be the me that I am inside and not what can be seen on the outside. And I’m really trying. It’s not easy and it’s going to take a long time. I’m setting small goals, one piece of clothing at a time. I’m trying to ignore the negative voices that tell me all that I’m doing wrong. I’m doing my best each day.
I used to be self-confident. I used to believe in myself. This isn’t a sad blog. It’s not a blog about me being depressed. It’s a blog about how I’m pushing myself back up and taking charge of my life. It’s about finding out what the right moves are for me. It’s so easy to end up down. It’s so easy to forget all the amazing world I have around me. It’s so easy to forget what an incredible person I am. This blog is a declaration that I am smart, successful, and will be self-assured again.
On top are my old planters. On the bottom are my new herb pots - perfect for this window in the kitchen.
Sometimes life is messy. I have plans for this area that will clean up the mess and make it a more useable, enjoyable space. Standby…
My copper sink all polished and looking shiny.
This is the back garden. I’ve cleaned it out two years in a row and it’s still crazy with overgrowth. Will be working on this to find a happy selection so that these beautiful roses have an opportunity to shine!
