Self-care…

Disclaimer: this blog is, as all of them are, about my feelings, beliefs, and thoughts. It might jump around a little because that’s what my brain does sometimes. It’s not going to read like a story because it isn’t one. I am not a health care professional, and this is not a blog telling you what you should do. If you are suffering and need help, please seek care. Real care. Not from online searches but from an actual health care professional.

Self-care is an interesting concept to me. Years ago, the flight attendant’s spiel on the aircraft before a flight, included instructions that referenced self-care. If the oxygen masks drop, put your own on before helping anyone else to don theirs. Think about that. You aren’t any help to others unless you help yourself. It was a two part scenario. Helping yourself and helping others.

Have you noticed how often these days we are told to take care of ourselves? I’m not talking serious mental health or physical health care, although that’s far more prevalent, too. I’m talking about buying products that pamper us and make us feel luxurious. I’m talking about equating self-care to shampoo or perfume or the pyjamas you wear. About that trip to the spa so that you can just relax and let someone soothe away your problems. Self-care has become a marketing campaign.

My mother often points out that we have become a “me” society. I’d go a step further and say we have created a “me” society. Yes, I think we’re more aware of the need to look after ourselves. Certainly, I know from the stories told by my grandparents that the idea of “self-care” was a rather foreign thought. They lived lives of work and family. They toiled to give their children the best they could. My mom told me my grandmother paid for her teacher’s college by reading palms! And that was in addition to a full-time job. The idea of taking time off for herself would never have surfaced. Now, don’t get me wrong. My grandmother enjoyed travel and indulged herself in her own ways. But to identify a little luxury or a treat as “self-care” would have been laughable. That generation did what they needed to do to get through each day and if they did it without the house falling down around them, all the better.

I do it. I plan self-care. A lot of my self-care revolves around the fact that I know I need time on my own. I was on a road trip with my mom and sister. I know that the weekend after the road trip I’m going to need to relax and refresh myself. I’m going to need to be alone to find some inner peace and center myself. I also know that, in this case, I’m not being selfish. I am going to put myself first so that the during the upcoming week I can be there for my job and for the people in my life. This week I’m going to be helping out my neighbours while they are off enjoying an adventure. I’m going to be getting ready for visitors. In between the road trip and the weekend, I’ll spend some time with my uncle and make sure all is well. I try very hard to be a person who can support those people in my life who need me. I know what I’m capable of and what I’m not. I’ll never be a particularly good caregiver, in a physical sense, but I can and will do everything needed to ensure the people I care about are taken care of. To the best of my abilities. That’s an important clarification and one that I often forget as I try to do everything.

I started this blog writing about the instructions on an aircraft. Don your own oxygen mask before helping others. If you think about it, the point of the instruction is that you are no good to others if you don’t take care of yourself first. It’s about doing something critical to survival. It isn’t about putting yourself first. It’s about being there for others, and you can’t be, if you don’t take care of yourself. So, some of this blog is about the problem I think we’ve created.

I think we’re missing the point of taking care of ourselves so that we can help others. We have been gifted a life on this earth and I believe we should be doing all we can to contribute to making it a life worth living and making it a better place for others, for our neighbours, our families, our friends, and generations to come. Perhaps it is the creation of a “me” society that is the issue. Everything is someone else’s problem. “Well, I didn’t make the mess, why should I be the one to clean it up?”  Self-care has become focused on getting more sleep, being lazy, putting yourself first, walking away from people and situations that you don’t like. It isn’t about truly taking care of yourself so that you have the energy and motivation to be part of a community, whether it’s local, work-based, or global.

My personal opinion is that it’s not necessarily more sleep that’s needed, it’s better sleep. I sleep better when I’ve accomplished things during my day. When I’ve used my body and exerted myself. And yes, I’m far from perfect. I have “lazy days”, too. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with a period of quiet and lack of “doing”. I’m saying they shouldn’t be every day. I don’t feel good doing nothing. My body is meant to move and engage and toil. I don’t consider taking a day to soak in my yard and read a good book and swim in my pool a bad thing. But I’m still doing. I’m not stuck in bed or on the couch. I’m not procrastinating my life away.

I think there are periods of time when quiet reflection is a great form of self-care, and it can bring us closer to God or the gift of life we’ve been given. My yoga instructor is wonderful at articulating what we can find in a yoga practice. That sense of just being with our bodies. I would point out that while I do a yin practice, which isn’t a ton of movement, it’s still movement. It’s stretching and holding and appreciating what our bodies can do. It’s also so good for my little aches and pains! Other quiet times include prayer. Now, not everyone prays but there are a lot of people I know who enjoy meditation. It’s a great way for me to find peace, especially when things seem crazy around me. Years ago, when I was operational, I only had 1 ½ weekends off per month. There was always one weekend when I couldn’t make it to mass. I’m pretty sure my colleagues knew when I hadn’t been. I can’t say they knew when I had attended mass but when I didn’t have my hour in church, I was “off”. I needed that time of praise and worship to provide inner support to my everyday life. To me, that’s a self-care eliminate that gets forgotten now. It was for me, but it was also for my place in my world. It’s hard to be a contributing member to any community if we aren’t there for ourselves in the first place.

Social media is full of memes about “just walking away” from people and situations that are toxic or don’t fit your values. Oh, my goodness! This drives me nuts! We all end up in circumstances that aren’t to our liking. We all end up working with someone or living next to someone who doesn’t fit with how we view the world. In fact, we often have family members who don’t behave how we would or embody all of the beliefs that we carry. If you believe what you read, you will think you should walk away from all of that. Well, that’s just craziness. Sometimes things happen and we don’t like them, and we don’t support them, and we want to avoid them. Sure. That’s fine and when it happens to me, I do my best to minimize their impact.

If I think about work, I’m sure I can come up with a number of different scenarios where I’m not thrilled with someone. If I think hard enough I can point out situations where I have disagreed with someone else’s approach to a problem or a piece of work. It’s work. I can’t just walk away. Okay, I guess I can but I’m walking away from a job and a pension. So no, I can’t just walk away. What can I do? I can always be open to different ideas. I can be open to listening to others’ opinions and see if they can work for me. If it’s something that is truly “difficult”, I can try to see it with a different lens. Maybe it’s from the point of view of that person – what are they going through, what is on their work plate, what is the impact on them or their team? Maybe the lens problem is my own. Maybe I’m not seeing things from the right perspective. Having peace at work isn’t necessarily self-care. Sometimes conflict and dissension brings about clearer understanding or a new way to do things. I don’t think it’s a good idea to just tune people out or walk away. I think it’s more important to find a way to co-exist.

I am far from perfect. Self-care isn’t going to make me perfect but maybe if I go about it in the right way it will help me to contribute to the world around me in a more positive fashion. My intent with my own self-care is to find the right solutions for me. I don’t want to hide away or spend my life in avoidance. I want to find the right life. I want to celebrate the amazing people we have in this world. I want to find ways to support the communities in which I live. I can’t do that without taking care of myself.

And what am I doing to address “true” self-care? I’ve been eating right and focusing on weight loss. It’s not easy or quick, and I’m not giving up. I’ve discovered that my head is clearer when I eat healthy. A clear mind helps me tackle work and home lives. My sleep needs to improve, and I am striving to achieve better sleep. I haven’t been volunteering very often in the last couple of years – here and there, but not consistently. Instead, I feel I’m supporting family more and not as a chore or a volunteer but as a fellow family member, there to support and encourage, when I can. I’m trying to stay physical. I do a lot of yard work (and trust me, that’s a workout!), I try to golf as often as I can, I swim daily, I walk a lot, and as I mentioned I do a yoga class weekly. I’ve been horseback riding weekly, although I’m on a break due to holidays, etc. I read – books and newspapers. And I plan. I think, for me, planning is a great example of self-care. It gives me goals and helps me to achieve all the things that come with my life – home maintenance, weekly cleaning, creating a landscape in my yard, transforming my house into a home. Planning gives me something to look forward to, whether it’s a trip abroad or a weekend with my mom or just the reimagining of my back flowerbed. It’s a positive approach to life and I think that’s what self-care should be about.

Look what a month with sun and water can do! I think of self-care like this - put in the effort and look at the growth that can occur.

While my mom and sister were resting, I took some time by the lake to marvel at the beauty of nature.