Safety…

When I look back, safety has meant physical safety from “bad people”, safety items like seatbelts (I remember when you did not have to wear them), winter tires to help keep you on the road instead of in the ditch (and yes, I remember the days of pushing cars), a childhood where you knew everyone and played outside, even at night, and learning skills like swimming to keep you safe at the beach. I think I was blessed that I never felt unsafe at home. At no time did I ever think a parent or adult would hurt me. Never did I think that a career or place in the world wasn’t available to me because that’s how my parents raised my sister and me.

Since those idyllic days of childhood, I have encountered situations in which I did not feel my safety was assured. Beyond the relative shock of discovering the world wasn’t what I thought, I felt a disappointment that equality isn’t global. Overall, I don’t often hear men saying they don’t feel safe. In the context of these musings, I don’t want to dig deep into why they have their perspective. I just want to write about some of my experiences with safety.

Safety can be as basic as walking around your neighbourhood. Do you feel that you can go out alone at night? Are you afraid to leave your house? If there was an emergency, would you feel safe to go to a neighbour’s house? And your neighbourhood can mean the physical streets – are they well lit? Can you see where you are going? Are the other people living in the area threatening? Is it an area that draws people from outside into it and gives it a feeling of lawlessness? Are there animals? Are the neighbourhood dogs behind fences or leashed? Or do they run free and intimidate?

In this village, I am comfortable going out at anytime. I take walks that cover the whole of the village and since I’ll go before or after work, that means darkness in wintertime. I’ve never felt scared and if I run into someone there is always a friendly hello as we pass. Having said that, I have encountered a couple of unsafe situations, when dogs were on the loose. I’ll be honest. I don’t care how “great” a dog is, they are animals and as far as I’m concerned, unless you’re in an off-leash area (we don’t have any in the village) you should not let them loose. When I would be out walking my dog, I would turn us around to avoid an area with running dogs, if I felt unsure. [My opinion is that they are animals, do not speak our language, and you cannot be sure of their behaviour around unknown people or pets.] So, sometimes I do not feel safe walking by a particular area of the village where people often let their dogs run. I’ve developed my own way of going by there or I just avoid it.

Overall though, I feel safe in the village in terms of being able to go out, walk around, take money from the ATM, etc. As I get older, being safe is an essential element of life. There are many reasons I can think of to live in a city. The amenities that can be found in a city are especially appealing to an aging population. However, a city has a greater population than a small town or village, and with the increase in numbers comes an increase in all kinds of people, the good and the not-so-good. It can become harder to be on your own if you don’t feel safe to travel to appointments or go shopping. You can find yourself dependent on others to help and not because of a lack of capability. At this stage in my life, I can see this being an issue in the future. It’s one of the elements of the rural/village life that appeals to me – the sense of safety and security.

Safety can also be about the situation in which you find yourself. For instance, in some jobs speaking up against poor behaviours could cost someone their job or the opportunity for advancement. Safety is far more complicated than it was when I was a child. Now saying that, I recognize that there were some terrible situations that took place when I was younger. When I say it’s more complicated now, I’m speaking specifically about my life. Certainly I encountered a few circumstance when I was growing up that I know are examples of being unsafe. I’m not diminishing their negative impact.  

Nowadays we hear about bullying, amongst children and adults. A person being bullied isn’t going to feel safe, wherever it is taking place. I saw and experienced bullying and to be honest, I think there was an environment in which it was considered building backbone and the ability to stick up for oneself in the world. Life has changed and we now recognize that it produced unsafe situations for the recipients. It is not okay. Imagine being afraid of what you were going to face when you left the relative safety of a classroom and knew you had to somehow get home without running into the neighbourhood bully. What an awful thing to live through. Now think about encountering a bully in a workplace. You are not going to feel safe.

A lack of safety can be what prevents you from speaking up for someone who is being mistreated. Perhaps a joke is being made at someone’s expense. It doesn’t even have to be speaking against something bad, it might be the offering of a positive idea. Do you feel safe sharing your thoughts with others? We may not feel safe enough to be honest even in our own families. It could be among friends or colleagues or within a group that you encounter a barrier to providing input. You may have some wonderful ideas to share but without a safe space you may never say them out loud.

Depending on the type of person you are, feeling safe could impede your ability to make new friends. Last week I decided to step way outside of my comfort zone and attend a ladies club dinner in the village. My mom was visiting and agreed to attend with me and my neighbour, who has attended previous dinners was going to go with us, as well. I was counting on my neighbour to take away the fear of walking in and not knowing anyone. Unfortunately, she became ill and had to cancel. So, it was just my mom and me. I did not know a single person in the room. I looked around feeling slightly panicked by the idea of picking a table. There was not one without women. I had to choose and picked the closest with only two women. It was a great choice as they were lovely and a few more joined us and they too were very nice. It turned out I had a weird work connection with the woman sitting next to me and it was a great icebreaker. I mentioned these monthly dinners to a friend, also new to the village. Her reaction was much like mine had been. “Oh no, I am not comfortable doing that on my own.” But she’s willing to consider attending if we can go together in the future. I guess that’s helping create a safe space for someone else.

So, is comfort and safety the same? Well, in my opinion, yes and no. Certainly there are levels of safety that are significantly more than comfort. And I think avoiding situations, such as joining this club for dinner due to a lack of comfort, is related to safety. If I felt safe walking into a room of strangers, then I would have attended long before now. But what is the lack of safety? I don’t think someone was going to physically hurt me. No one was going to trip me on the way in and I’m sure no one would make fun of me. But if you walk into a room of strangers and your shyness stops you from interacting or you don’t find someone to talk with then I think you’re in an unsafe emotional situation.

Emotional, spiritual, and physical safety should be part of our lives. It could be that a lack of feeling safe impacts your ability to learn and advance. I was in a learning session recently. One of the topics was safety and a safe space to fail. I believe in making mistakes. You’ll learn far more from getting something wrong than you ever will in only doing it right. I’m not saying deliberately go out there and try to do things incorrectly. I’m saying if you don’t try when you don’t know then how will you learn? So, a safe space to fail. I’ve been pretty lucky where I am. I remember making a pretty big mistake with a document a few years ago. One Vice President was understanding and let it go. The other Vice President said that I needed to figure out how to fix my mistake. I learned from both responses. The VP that was casual in his response gave me a sense of acceptance – we all make mistakes so let’s continue moving forward. The other VP gave me an opportunity to learn. When I figured everything out and resubmitted, he asked me how I felt. Honestly? I felt great. I knew it was a mistake I wouldn’t make again, and I knew now how that situation was to be handled. Neither VP made me feel bad about myself or that I could lose my job. I’m still appreciative to them.

Not everyone feels they can safely contribute to a conversation, a brainstorming session, or a social situation. What I’ve noticed as I age, is that my levels of safety have changed. The closer I get to being able to retire, the easier it seems to be to express myself and offer an opinion. I’ve found that I will speak up more often in this second half of life than I ever did earlier. I was in a social setting a few weeks ago and someone made a derogatory comment about someone else. A few years ago I would have disagreed, but silently. This time, I said something. I don’t think we have the right to put down a person, especially when they aren’t there to defend themselves and I said so.

Last night I was in my hometown for the start of St. Patrick’s celebrations. I’ve mentioned how unsafe I can feel walking into a room of strangers. Last night I walked into my hometown Legion alone. There were tons of people there and I didn’t even have a quiver of fear. Why? Well, on my drive back home today, I thought a lot about it. I didn’t know who I would know. I didn’t know how many people I would know. I often feel a little lost when I go there with my uncle because I’ve been gone so long that people that I grew up with are now strangers to me. Any that stayed in the area have continued their friendships and I’m not in them. So, why did I not feel unsafe last night? I’ve decided it’s because it’s the one place in my hometown that is a safe space from my childhood. No, I didn’t go to the Legion as a child. Well, not exactly. My dad spent a lot of his time there, as did my grandma and my aunts and uncles when they visited. Upstairs is where we’ve held numerous celebrations over the years – weddings, funeral receptions, birthday parties, etc. In that way, I’ve known it my whole life. I think the reason I don’t feel unsafe is that I don’t feel that I have to be someone I’m not. I don’t have to put on a persona. I’m just me. Oh, and I think the other truth is, I actually end up knowing a few more people than I expect.

I guess what I’ve learned this week is that safety is relative. It depends on the situation and the type of safety. I hope you’ll never feel unsafe in your home or relationship. I hope if that happens to you, you’ll find the strength to reach out to someone – the police, emergency officials, domestic abuse hotlines, someone who can hold your hand (virtually or in person) and get you to safety. Beyond that, I’m going to celebrate that I’m leaving some of my safety concerns behind. I’m feeling strong enough in my place in life to speak up when something seems wrong. I don’t feel completely safe yet, and perhaps never will but I’ve found a home in a village that welcomes new people. I’ll celebrate that one aspect of safety in my life, and I’ll work to grow more.

Not much has happened in the house in the last week. I’m still shopping for chairs for this room. In the meantime, I thought I would share a picture of how welcoming and comfortable this will be once there is furniture!

I think I’ve mentioned before that I started horseback riding lessons after decades of not being near, never mind on a horse. I’m thrilled to report that as we near the end of our session, I feel completely safe in the arena.

With thanks to my niece for a great paint job, I now have a place to hang my barn coat to air out after riding!