Sex, Romance, Love…

Have you noticed how often stories about sex, romance, and love focus on the young? Of course they do. Think about how we refer to people as they age. Oh, she looks good for her age. My, she makes 67 look amazing. Or how about, 50 is the new 30? I’m guilty of having an issue with the number so I’m not surprised that others do as well. When it comes to men, though, we’re more accepting of age. There were all sorts of comments like “look at him go” and “good for him” when Tony Randall at the ages of 77 and 78 fathered two children. We seem to like a man who shows a bit of age. Think of a little gray around the temples and how it gives them a dashing look. Women spend a lot of time and money getting rid of that (I do!) and men are admired for the character it brings to their faces.

I’ve mentioned the movie, The Book Club[1], in the two previous blogs. I’m bringing it into this one, as well. One of the reasons I enjoy this movie is because it’s about continuing to live. And living includes sex, romance, and love. Just because you grow older doesn’t mean you should give any of it up. It’s part of the human condition. That movie reminded me of that fact. Although we see more representation of age than even a few years ago, there’s still a bit of strangeness about it, at least when it comes to love stories. It stands out when we recognize an older age in a love story. Add to it that the focus of the characters’ book club is the Fifty Shades of Grey[2] trilogy and you’re entering something wild.

Sex

It’s part of what makes the world. It used to be that it was the only way to procreate and nowadays we have science, as well. But at the core of marriage, is the act of consummation. Beyond the growth of our population, there’s the biological desire of the body to engage in sex. Nothing wrong with it and in fact, it’s a highly discussed topic of health. I’m not going to go into all of that. I’m really not comfortable blogging about it. What I am content in saying is, The Book Club makes it real. It’s a good reality, one that includes laughter and love. The best way to be, in my mind. And it’s a reminder that as long as we have bodies that are alive and functioning, this is something to be considered.

In the movie, there are no apologies for their age or their changing bodies. In fact, sex is openly discussed. Not all of the ladies think sex is critical, but they remain open to life and discovery. I think it’s crucial as we live longer that we remember we don’t have to give up any part of life. Just because we hit a certain age doesn’t mean that anything has to be considered out of bounds. There are changes that we encounter but it’s our choice what we do about those changes. One of the things I love about The Book Club is the women aren’t willing to stop living. In fact the movie takes it even further. They haven’t sat back and given up on their successes, their work lives, and their interests. For me they are role models for my second half.

Romance

Do you like love stories? I do. Sometimes the lighthearted nature of the story, the lack of heavy thinking, the ease of watching or reading is exactly what I need. And sometimes, I just like to think that fairy tales and happy ever after are possible. So often, the movies and books that are everywhere make it sound like a prescribed process and lack the magic of a fairy tale. Meet someone, spar with that someone, find values or interests in common, and then be given flowers and treats and special moments until you both realize it’s true love. Nothing wrong with it since people are watching and reading but in real life I don’t often see the romantic gestures that are portrayed in books and movies, whether prescribed or fantastical.

I’m sure there are times when we all want some chocolates and flowers. The more cynical among us like to point out that romance is a pipe dream and doesn’t last. And maybe that’s been true for them. I see romance in a slightly different way. It’s the husband who realizes his partner has had a tough day and makes supper. It’s the wife who embraces her husband’s golf trip knowing he needs the time away and is going to come back happy. I think romance is about putting someone ahead of yourself. Sometimes that is incredibly difficult which makes it even more special. We can do this for others but it’s the addition of the partner-type love that raises it to the level of romance.

One of the things that I love in The Book Club is the different examples of romance. As simple as sending a picture of a fun encounter together and as complicated as showing up for the love of your life at an event that is well outside your comfort zone. I think romance is what makes your pulse quicken and your heart flutter. Sometimes it seems like it goes away after the start of love. Once you’re established in a relationship it can become easy to forget the little gestures. You get bogged down in the stress of daily living and your concentration is on getting through each day. A little lightness and a little romance can help lift them up. It helps keep your relationship strong.

Love

I wrote this blog in a certain order for a reason. I started with sex because it seems to be the first connection that people have. I don’t mean that they have sex (necessarily) before they talk or find connections. I mean that first tingle of chemistry that tells you there is something about the other person that interests you. And I believe that sex is healthy for a body. It is also so intimate and so personal that, for me, participating in this activity must involve more than just chemistry. I’m not interested in one-night stands or friends with benefits. To be honest, I don’t really understand the willingness to hand over that intimacy to someone without the accompanying relationship. Anyway, I digress.

Love, coming along with sex and romance gives our lives added depth. No, not everyone may find the right someone. Or the right someone might not remain. I hope that everyone has the opportunity to experience the excitement of love, the flush of that chemistry, at some point in their lives. As I consider the second half of my life, I can understand the desire to have that someone special beside me. There are many times in my day, especially on the weekend when I’m mostly on my own, and when I’d enjoy having someone to share with. It’s not just having someone listen to you when things are bad. It’s about celebrating all the wonder in the world with someone who cares about you.

What I know and have learned

So, as I think about sex, romance, and love, I can share some of what I know about myself. My last relationship was not good. I think I was so desperate to share the great changes in my life and the excitement I was experiencing that I put myself last. I believe it’s one of the worse things we can do to ourselves. The only way a love is really love and not controlling or overbearing is when we respect ourselves enough to stand up for our values. I did not. I allowed someone else’s ego and priorities to eclipse my own. What I learned was that it didn’t feel good. Not the way love should feel.

I also know that I fall in love easily. It doesn’t really bother me. I’d rather enjoy the anticipation and the flush of excitement than be so reasonable that I miss out. If it doesn’t work out, it’s hard but it’s part of the highs and lows of life. I will embrace love again, I hope. I’ve learned that you have to like yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you. I’m not quite there at the moment. I need to take care of myself before I’m going to be available for a relationship.

One of the things I love about The Book Club is that one of the characters points out that love isn’t all that we impose on it. It’s just a word until we make something of it. I love that explanation because it’s so true. We have love songs and stories and movies. So many are based on a fantasy and don’t really show that hard work and respect provide the foundation for a lifetime together. I’m hopeful that my personal development brings me to a place where I’m open to find love again, regardless of my age.

One last observation from me. I’ve discovered COVID is a game-changer, and I don’t know for how long. While I’m better and testing negative, it’s taken a ton out of me and I’m definitely not at 100% of myself yet. I’m hopeful that next week I’ll be back in better form.

[1] Directed by Bill Holderman, written by Bill Holderman and Erin Simms, 2018

[2] WRITTEN BY E.L. James, 2011, SELF-PUBLISHED

Took awhile because I got sick but the walls are done in the sitting room/library. A new curtain and rod are on the front window and the side window still needs to have one installed. I’ve moved some furniture around and brought in a slightly larger bookshelf. (I think I’ll probably stain it.) I’m actively searching for comfortable reading chairs. The room isn’t complete but I’m so excited by how wonderful it is looking.

Some of my St. Patrick’s Day decor!

Shades of green. In the kitchen, above and the dining room, below.

This is the small bookshelf that I swapped out from the sitting room/library. In this case, the change means the right sizes are in the right spots.