Relationships

Before I share this blog, I would like to explain something about my writing. I took this on for a couple of reasons. While I’ve shared this before, I think it warrants a reminder. I provide my thoughts in this blog as a way for me to figure out the next part of my life, my second half. Retirement is possible for me in only a few years and I still feel like I don’t know what to do with it, although lately it seems that I’m starting to see options.,

A couple of years ago I was asked about friendships and who is responsible when one falters. My answer was I believe there are times when people move in and out of our lives based on when we need them and when they need us. Sometimes it’s a natural progression of life, interests, paths taken. I had a good friend years ago with whom I’ve lost touch. We were close and there for each other through some critical moments in our lives and while I’m sorry we aren’t close anymore, I’m also very grateful for the time we had. I’ve had some friends for the majority of my life and have always considered myself blessed for that continuity of spirit. Although we weren’t in constant communication over the years, I always knew they were there for me and I was for them. When those friendships stumble I feel sadness and regret. It happens. We all choose the road we’re going to follow and sometimes those choices don’t align with the people around us. We have to decide which turn to take, and we have to follow the one that is right for our individual person and family.

My yoga instructor recently mentioned the word relationship which started me thinking. [She is awesome for bringing up interesting topics. She has a special way of seeing the world and sharing that vision with her students.] We have relationships with family, friends, coworkers, neighbours, cohorts (wherever they may be – church, clubs, community, etc.) and with our pets and our environment. We develop a relationship with our jobs, our hobbies, and our bodies. We have relationships wherever we have connections. How is your relationship with yourself these days? Mine, like many people’s I would think, is complicated. I’m not happy with my body right now and yet I remain grateful for other parts of me. I think working on how I see myself will help me develop better relationships with all of the rest – work, friends, family, environment.

And to circle back to the foundation of this blog, the relationships we have include those with our houses. I like looking at houses for sale. My uncle rolls his eyes and worries that I am already considering another move. [Oh, my goodness, no! I couldn’t go through that again anytime soon!] I like looking at the houses to see what the owners have done with them, how they’ve decorated, where they’ve honoured the age and how, and to get ideas for my own house.

I’ve looked at some very expensive properties lately and a consistent theme is that they do not look lived in. In fact, they don’t look like homes, they look like magazine showcases. While I can picture events being hosted within them, I cannot envision families growing up there. They are very cold. Also, very beautiful. But it’s a cold beauty. Lots of empty space. Nothing on counters and the kitchens look like they’ve never had actual pots on the stoves. What is not a surprise to me is that I gravitate to those houses that are older, have rooms rather than wide open spaces, and colour. They have books and “things”. While most people remove family photos when selling their homes, the houses I gravitate to have plants and mementos and the clutter that make a house a home. Not messiness or dirt but clutter that shows a house has been lived in. They look warm and inviting and I have a much better vision of whether I would be happy there or not. I cannot picture living in a blank space.

My realtor and I argued about the need for staging when I put my house up for sale in October 2020. It was an incredibly hot market, and I didn’t see the point. My realtor is the expert, not me, and I chose to follow his plan. When the stager came, I was there (pandemic meant I was working from home) and I heard a lot of what she said. And when the report came in, I read it carefully. These are my thoughts, not those of a real estate expert. I was insulted by a number of comments and suggestions that came from the stager. There was a small element of insult that came from what I took as a judgement against my style and the larger insult about the people who would be looking at buying the house. Now, I admit this is because of who I am and I’m aware that I’m different than others. Anyway, when I look at a house I want to see if it will fit my style, will I be able feel at home? I’m not looking at a picture of a bookshelf and noting the books are arranged by colour – I want to see that there’s room for books and for living in the house. That there’s room for comfort. It’s interesting how often on those tv shows about finding the perfect house, that the people seem to complain about wall colour more often than anything! Honestly, it’s the easiest thing to fix. Of all renovations, it’s also probably one of the least expensive. In my opinion, they should be looking at whether there is enough space for their family, whether it’s going to be a place that makes them happy, not whether a room is pink, when they would prefer green. And while I agree that a house that is too cramped to move through isn’t going to have the appeal of a buyer, I also think that seeing the house as a home isn’t a detraction. For me, buying a house should be the goal of creating a home.

What kind of relationship do you have with your house? Is it an object that provides a function? Where to sleep, cook and eat, keep your belongings? Maybe you don’t spend a lot of time there. Is your life one of movement – travel, sports, activities that keep you away? Perhaps it’s one of finding comfort in one place – you build a garden sanctuary, work from home, don’t travel much, prefer to stick nearby. I’m somewhere in the middle. I love travel, even if I haven’t done much in the last couple of years. However, I prefer to stick closer to home during the summertime. I want to make use of my pool and my yard. I enjoy gardening and creating a personal safe haven where I can relax and re-energize.

I’m doing some work in a few rooms of the house right now. I can’t wait to start using the front door (it wasn’t in use when I moved in) and I hope to have it ready by summer. I want the house to have the windows and front door open and be welcoming. I want people who walk by to appreciate it. I want the house to be part of the village community. There are many charming houses here, and I think this one should be as well. And my relationship with it? I want it to be a refuge, a place of joy, and a place of pride.

I’m getting there. I want to be productive here while not being overwhelmed by all the work that still has to be done. I’m not very good at waiting for a complete product. I want it all finished now. However, I recognize that if I had moved in and done everything that I wanted right away, I might not like it as much as I do. Taking my time means I have the time to figure out what works and what does not – for me. It means I can change those plans as the rest of the house develops. It means that my first thoughts weren’t always the right ones.

My original plan for the upstairs bathroom was deep colours and cocooning warmth. I changed that plan and now it’s light, bright, and welcoming, without losing the warmth that I was after. The key element of my plan changed, and the rest of the ideas adjusted around it. And? The outcome is perfect! It’s similar to what’s happening in my front two rooms. I had my first idea and I’ve allowed it to evolve into one that better fits my vision for this century home.

I wanted an accent wall in both the dining and sitting rooms. Initially I felt that the sitting room would remain my office/library indefinitely. After spending over a year working from it, I realize that I want it to be a sitting room. I’d like separate my work life from my home life better within the house, while benefiting and enjoying the ability to work remotely. I bought a beautiful lounge chair (do you remember?) so that I could use the space as a library as well and that didn’t work out. I found that I rarely went into that room to read. [I’ve discovered that it’s important to draw a line between work time and personal time. It wasn’t something I recognized before this because my last house had the office in the finished basement. It really didn’t interfere with the rest of my living space.] Now I am going to move the office into a different space that will allow me to work in a comfortable environment while not impacting the rest of my “regular” living areas. Anyway, I initially chose a colour for the remaining walls of the dining and sitting rooms that I felt was “elegant” and a good complement to the deep colour of the accent wall. As soon as I had one accent wall painted, I knew it wouldn’t work for me.

This house isn’t “elegant”. If I had hundreds of thousands of dollars to pump into renovations, I could probably make it elegant but, without knowing its history yet, I don’t think that honours the house’s past. I think this house wasn’t owned by the rich. It isn’t mentioned in the list of historical properties around this village and it’s certainly old enough to be included. (I don’t think all of the houses in that list are considered “historical” in the sense of the rules that go with that designation. I believe they are highlighted for the tourists who flock to the area in the good weather. Discovering the history of the house will be interesting – I’m looking forward to knowing more about who built it.) I think the right way to renovate this house is to make it, as I’ve said many times, warm and welcoming, without being pretentious.

So, to that end, I’ve now chosen a completely different colour to accompany the accent walls in the dining and sitting rooms. Initially I decided to paint the wainscoting in the dining room. I did some research before making that choice. It isn’t right or wrong to paint the wainscoting, but it does seem that painting it is meant to be modernizing. I started painting it and immediately realized it was the wrong choice for that room. So, that meant some clean up work. As you’ll see in the picture below, it’s a lot of work due to the depth of colour of the accent wall. Yikes! Still, it’s better to see it now and not after doing all of it. However, I will say that this decision could change one more time. I’m going to paint the other walls and then make the final call about the wainscoting. I’ve learned that this house is all about feelings. I make choices and find out pretty quickly if they are right or not by how it makes me feel. Having spent some time thinking about it this week, I’m going to wait on the wainscoting, see all the walls working together and then choose. If I decide it will remain white, I’m going to find a soft white. I don’t want it to be sharp on the eyes and stand out as much as I want it to complement the other colours of the room.

What do I get from all of this? I’m learning about myself. I’m finding out what I need to bring joy to my second half of life. I’m discovering what elements of myself are changing and what are foundational. I can’t wait to share even more as this journey of self progresses.

Unwell…

Purpose…

The Second Half

christine.mcauliffe@yahoo.ca