Unwell…
I’m writing this blog with some trepidation. I’m writing about me and what I’m currently going through in a culture that regards weakness with some disdain. And to be fair, I’ve been a contributing member of that culture. Or, at least, I’ve learned how to live in it without making waves. So, please continue reading with the awareness that I am writing about me and that I am not an expert in any illnesses.
Illness comes in so many forms. You can feel ill of spirit, be bodily sick with flu, colds, or disease. You can experience pain related to all sorts of different things – health, injury, accident. Mental health is a hot topic these days with so many feeling the effects of more than two years in a global pandemic. You can be “ill at ease”. Imagine! Being uncomfortable or embarrassed is defined with the word “ill”.
So, as you may have guessed I’ve decided to discuss my own wellness this week. I’ve said many times that I am struggling. What’s interesting to me is how often those words are ignored or passed by. Sometimes I think we ignore someone’s struggles because it seems like they are always “complaining”. Goodness knows I’m always afraid that I say it too often and sound that way myself. I think we may ignore it or let it pass because we just don’t know what to say. What happens if the person admitting to the problem seems to be fine? We just smile and move on to the next thing because, how can they be having issues? Everything is going fine, right? They’re showing up for work and getting their tasks done. They’re still engaging in the world so they can’t possibly “really” be hurting, can they?
Over the years, I’ve encountered bumps in the road and always gotten over them. I’ve managed to either deal with the issue or find a way to move past it. I think that’s the hardest thing for me right now. I’ve always been able to find a way to cope and suddenly those mechanisms aren’t working like they once did. Two people this weekend spoke up to try and help me. My mom made a decision which takes some stress off my shoulders and I’m grateful for her care. I’m not sure if it’s the right move for me, to be honest. In fact, I didn’t feel any great relief over it, but I appreciated the fact that I didn’t have to focus on it and worry about it. My son also gave me some advice. Now, I will be honest, there are times that I happily take his advice and others when I do not. This was one of the “not” times. Having written that, I think it’s important to note that his suggestion stemmed from something that is working for him and that he believes is ultimately a good choice for most people. However, a 26 year old male body does not exactly align with a 50ish female body in menopause. I don’t know if his words stemmed from love or tiring of hearing me call myself fat, but I think probably a combination of the two and I will consider what he said.
The truth is fat is just a symptom. I definitely have to deal with it and I’m going to more consciously move forward with a healthy eating and movement plan so hopefully there will be some positive results. The underlying cause though is what really needs to be treated.
As I said above, I am NOT a therapist, a medical practitioner or expert in any way. Having said that, I really do have to find my own way out of this experience. Perhaps it’s a depression or perhaps something else. For myself, I don’t need a name or label. What I need is to keep moving forward and that’s how I know something is wrong. I’m not moving forward as I should. I have not stood still, and I don’t spend my days in bed with the covers over my head. That’s not me, never has been, and hopefully never will be. I am exhausted, though.
I’m not alone. So many people I know are truly exhausted – down to the bone, tired. [I could point out all the people over the last two years who have continued to step up and perform for the sake of their communities. Our first responders, front line workers, caregivers, etc. have put aside their own worries to give the best to the world. I’m not minimizing their work and efforts.] As hard as it can be for me, I’m trying to think of myself first. I know I’m not alone when I write that, either. We all seem to put disclaimers on what we’re going through and feeling, remembering to point out we know of others who are doing more or are in worse shape. While that is true, I am important, too. You are important, too. What I’m going through matters and not just in the sense of getting work done for the organization. Healthy community members are essential in our world.
I guess the reason I’m sharing this is to say, I’m starting to recognize that being “not okay” is a reality of life and should not be dismissed. I hope if you’re feeling this way you’ll reach out and ask for help. We have a program in our organization called EFAP, Employee and Family Assistance Program. I recently suggested it to a friend who was facing her own issues and I would suggest that it be a place you look. I know where I live (municipality, province, country) we have lots of resources available to support people during their tough times. I hope you feel comfortable enough to reach out.
I firmly believe in movement. That could be as simple as walking around the block. Maybe it’s getting out of bed and doing some of the household chores. Maybe I don’t get them all done (heaven knows I’m way behind right now!) but making the attempt is what keeps me going. I like being alone. I know, though, that human beings aren’t meant to be hermits. We’re meant to interact with each other. So, talking to my neighbours is important. Walking the dog and being open enough to say hello to a passing wanderer is a good thing. Being friendly when getting groceries puts a smile on the cashier’s face that comes right back to me.
And the hardest thing for me? Sometimes I need a break. I realize I’m far from the most important person at work. In fact, I’m pretty low on the totem pole. 😊 So, slowing down isn’t going to be the end of anyone’s world. It might help work overall. A renewed energy and engagement might make things move along smoother. Taking a break might help give a fresher perspective. Those irritants that we all encounter at our jobs might end up being pretty minor inconveniences instead of being huge, which I find can happen when it seems like I’m stuck in the dark.
Last night I was awakened by a physical illness. I think it might have been my body saying enough is enough. Actually, it might have been saying it for awhile with the migraines I’m suffering but… I guess I didn’t listen, so it chose a new method to make me hear. I heard. I’ve taken my time writing this and am still in pyjamas, which is really strange for me on the weekend, and I have created a list of different ideas to embrace with a goal of getting past this difficult time.
What I’m going to try to do:
1) Give myself a break (and all those around me who are also going through tough times)
2) Eat better (no junk food, regardless of how stressed I feel)
3) Continue moving
4) Stop judging myself when I falter
5) Ask for help when I need it
6) Take a break from worrying about the future and get through the now
7) Listen to music more
8) Read more
9) Do what is right for me first
I don’t know if any of what I’ve written is of help to you. It could be that you aren’t having a difficult time right now. I hope that’s true. If you are suffering and struggling, know that you can reach out. No matter what I’m going through, I have ears that will listen and shoulders strong enough to hold your weight. Take care of yourself. You matter.
I’ve had an issue with squirrels in the attic since I moved in. Finally it’s being taken care of. What you see is step one of the solution - a one-way door so that the squirrels will depart and be unable to return!
A gift card, given by my neighbours at Christmas, to a local shop got me this bright new door mat!
An image of hope - new orchid blooms! This window has turned out to be an excellent spot for my orchids.