Purpose…

Have you reached an age where you question the “purpose of life”? When I was younger, I don’t know if I ever wondered about the reason for “being here”. I aimed high and tried to achieve my definition of success. I’ve always had friends and try hard to celebrate their presence in my life. I’ve always tried to learn and do better; to make something positive from failures and mistakes. Lately, though, I’m finding myself seriously pondering the “meaning of life”. Part of me believes I’ve been given this life to do something amazing. But what? When I look at my friends, I see wonderful parents, successful careers, active bodies, and truly great people.

And sometimes when I look at those friends, I’m envious. Not envious in a malicious way – I don’t want to take away from what they’ve achieved. I’m envious because they either knew what they wanted and went after it or they found it. Before I go any further, let me share my definition of envy (which may be slightly different than the official one). I see envy as longing for something perceived to have been achieved or received by someone else without any negativity or resentment. I think that’s because it’s difficult to find a suitable alternate word (and if you know of one, please share with me). Perhaps it isn’t envy that I feel at all? Maybe it’s inspiration. Maybe it’s hope. Hope that it’s possible to find what is satisfying, invokes happiness, and makes life worthwhile.

I’ve been looking at the people around me and I see:

A friend who strives to be a great mom and invests tons of time and energy on her family. She is a great mom, even if the stress of life means she forgets it occasionally. I see another friend for whom career isn’t the be-all and end-all. Her job lets her place the focus on the rest of her life and she does so very well. I see another friend who is struggling and has perhaps lost sight of her achievements: the amazing family she’s raised, the friends who know how incredible she is, and an organization who will definitely have a hard time filling the hole she leaves when she retires. I know two people who have embraced the second half of their lives with immediately positive results. They’ve become core members of their new town.  I see a mom who was successful in her career and reached her goals, has grandchildren and great grandchildren she adores and who still strives to learn and become, at this stage in her life. She is not sitting back, relaxing, and watching life pass by.

So, what does this all mean to me when I think of the meaning of my life? Sometimes it seems like I have a hole inside of me. I’m not sure what’s supposed to go in there. So, I get up each day and push to complete what’s expected of me and to contribute. It sounds rather dreary, doesn’t it? I don’t mean it to. I think you have to keep moving forward. Standing still doesn’t accomplish anything. Certainly, life isn’t standing still. The seasons are changing, children are growing up, I’m getting older (whether I acknowledge it or not!), and retirement is getting closer.

What I’ve discovered is that moving forward doesn’t have to be like riding a conveyor belt and simply going where it goes. While I don’t know what the next move is, I can at least make decisions about the environment around me and in which I choose to live. I continue to work on the house, to create a haven of sorts. I’m finding that the choices I make in the house are pointing me in directions that I believe are part of my path forward, even if it isn’t clear yet.

The next big renovation is just getting finished and it’s exciting. “Big” is a relative term in this case. It’s been short in terms of the time put in by my contractor. It’s worked out to less than three full days, but the change is astounding. When I was planning the renovation of the upstairs bathroom I had a complete picture of the finished space. It is nothing like that original plan. I guess you could say this reno started a year ago. The tub was a disaster when I moved in and I knew, before I moved in, that I would have to get it refinished. What I didn’t realize was just how awful it was. I figured it would be usable with a good cleaning and I could arrange the refinishing later, around reno time. I was wrong. It was disgusting and there was no way I was getting into it without it being done. So, almost exactly a year ago, I had an expert come in and reglaze the tub. Immediately it improved the look of the room and became functional. That was step one of the bathroom renovation.

Next was planning the feel of the room. I decided I wanted a darker, warm, and soothing environment that was spa-like. Something that would envelope my tired body at the end of a day. I did a first coat of dark green on the tub. Yes, that was it. Next was the wall colour (mint green to balance with the green of the tub and provide some depth without making it too dark). Part of the plan had been made before I even moved in. A couple of years ago I bought an antique washstand at a flea market and couldn’t wait to turn it into a proper sink/vanity. That meant, though, that I would need an additional piece of furniture for storage.

Old fashioned washstands (at least the ones I’ve seen) don’t have the storage found in newer vanities. Last summer I found an antique dresser at a local dealer’s. It’s gorgeous and huge and heavy. It took a lot of work to get it upstairs and into the bathroom. I don’t think it’ll be coming out again. The wood of the dresser is a match for my washstand, so I was partway there. The toilet had to be replaced. That was another disgusting element to the room. Ugh. Months ago, the toilet seat broke, and I duct taped it. There was no way I was spending money and replacing the seat when I would be buying a whole new toilet, so I’ve suffered with that seat. Blech.

A few months ago, I saw a picture online of a bathroom with a clawfoot tub and fell in love. Oh oh! If I wanted something like that it was going to mean a completely different vibe and colour scheme for my bathroom. But oh, I loved it! So now what? I painted over the dark green of the tub with white paint to bring it back to a base colour and I got some paint chips. Here I am, at the end of March with a new bathroom designed in a completely different direction and I’m in love! I’ll post the pictures below for you to see the transformation.

I want to share a few things I’ve learned in this process.

-         It’s okay to change your mind at the early stages of a project. If you want to change things later, you can do so, just remember it’s probably going to be expensive.

-        Even when you have water in your basement (again), life can have joy. [Thankfully, while not perfect, last year’s solution has improved the flooding situation.]

-        Movement forward is essential to life. I’ll never find my purpose unless I’m willing to keep moving.

-        Changing your mind can be good. I’m naturally drawn to deeper, richer colours and I’ve been embracing brighter and lighter lately. It’s okay to expand your palette, so to speak.

-        When you find a good person, stick with them. I know I’ve said this before but I’m going to say it again. Right now, my contractor is overwhelmed with work. He fit this reno in for me. Why? Because he’s a good guy, he’s invested now in my house, we get along, and I pay on time. I’m also willing to discuss variations when something isn’t possible or available. In other words, it’s a good relationship. I could have found someone else who would do this work sooner but why? My contractor has more than proven himself with my kitchen renovation. He’s been great about helping me out and recommending other professionals in the area. As far as I’m concerned and as long as I’m here, he’ll be my go-to guy.

So, back to the purpose of my life. As far as I’m concerned, it isn’t to want what someone else has. Not in any tangible, property-oriented manner. It’s to strive for improvement, for joy, for contentment, for peace. I’m still envious of some of what I see from friends around me. You’ll never hear me say I’m envious of money or a car or anything like that. I may appreciate some of those tangibles, but I’ll never wish them away from someone else. I’ll be honest with you. Writing this blog today has helped me realize that the meaning of my life doesn’t have to be like anyone else’s. It’s unique to me. Maybe my whole life is the journey and I’ll never reach a particular destination. That’s okay. I love travelling.

Top picture: newly reglazed tub from March 2021!

Middle picture: dark green tub - I had a plan!

Bottom picture: pink tub!

It is very difficult to tell that the wall is being painted mint. The swath of colour on the right is the other green I was contemplating - far too dark. I went with the mint and in this picture you can tell it’s significantly different than the original colour.

After the first coat of mint. I’m sorry that my phone picture doesn’t do it justice. It’s really lovely.

The new lighting for the bathroom! I looked everywhere and finally found something I liked at a specialty shop in Cornwall, ON.

This is a great picture which shows the detail of the new lights as well as the new toilet, new garbage container (textured and a true white colour), and the antique washstand repurposed with the vessel sink and faucet installed. Missing is the antique mirror - it’s not ready to hang yet!

The antique dresser I picked up last year. It’s perfect for this room and provides lots of storage. (Note the tumbler for my toothbrush!)

A new bathroom - almost complete. Still to come: floor changes, some wall hangings, a rug, and a stool!

This was the biggest problem with the bathroom renovation. The old door swung inwards and ran into the pedestal sink. The washstand would not fit with the door. So, I was going to put in a barn door (with thanks to a friend for her idea). For some reason I could not pick out a barn door that I liked or that fit. This was my contractor’s idea for a temporary solution. I’m going to make it a permanent solution! I’ll be painting it and changing the handle/knob. It’s a great fix for an awkward spot!