Old Fashioned…

My mom asked me why family members don’t drop by for visits. If that sounds familiar then thank you because that means you read last week’s blog. Read on for more! After reading the blog she said to me, you never answered the question. She’s right. I also didn’t fully define my own state of loneliness if it exists. The loneliness question might not have a clear answer and that’s okay. The question my mom asked though, initially sent me down two routes. One was of loneliness, as I wrote about and the other was about old fashioned ways.

When I think of old fashioned, I think manners, rules, values, respect, integrity, justice, and friendliness. More and more I find myself contemplating life in retirement. I have a close friend whose husband just retired and who will be retiring herself in just over a year. I had a wonderful visit this past weekend with another friend who retired a few years ago. When COVID first hit, our company was offering early retirement incentives (for those already able or very close to able) to help lighten our salary burden. So, basically I’m surrounded by retirement. What does retirement and old fashioned have in common? For me, they’re part of a mental model I’m developing of what I want in the future. Instinctively I feel like I’m looking for an old fashioned way of life as my path into retirement. But, am I?

I look to where I’m drawn, this quaint village and this century home, and I wonder if it’s the appeal of “old fashioned”. The village “sells itself” during the tourist season as being a charming, Victorian-era destination. It is very artistic in nature and is busy all summer long. I’m not overly fond of tourists but I appreciate their arrival as they feed the local merchants and keep the businesses alive. I love after they leave, and the village goes back to a small population with a semblance of peace after the craziness of summer. I love the quiet and how people know each other (I’m not there yet but I recognize people now). I’m concerned because we have new subdivisions being built and in moving here I was hoping to not have a situation that includes a large influx of residents. But where do you go nowadays to avoid that? And is it even realistic? So, a question to me might be is it the old fashioned nature of the village or the small numbers and quiet that appeal to me? Good question and maybe I’ll sort out some of my feelings with this blog.

I like old fashioned manners, greeting people you meet on the street, holding the door open for someone, letting someone with fewer items go ahead at the grocery store and so on. I’ve never considered myself less able because I let a man open a door for me. I’m quite capable of opening the door and I don’t feel compelled to prove it. I believe in being courteous and respectful. As children we were taught that the appropriate thank you for a gift or kindness was a handwritten note. I still like writing and sending them. I like receiving a card or letter in the mail, although it doesn’t happen often. I’m sure my son sees that as old fashioned, given the speed of electronic communication. My mom’s question about drop in visitors also feels like an old fashioned way of reaching out.  I know when I was a child my gram and her friends did it all the time. Certainly we dropped in on her whenever we wanted. It was never considered awkward or rude. And if she wasn’t there, we might leave a note and head home. It kept us in touch with her. We didn’t phone her a lot – it wasn’t necessary. So Mom, I don’t know if I can answer your question even now. Perhaps it’s that we’re all so busy in our lives, that we rarely slow down enough to truly connect with those who matter the most. Everything always feels so rushed. I guess the question becomes, do we want to be connected?  

Some rules might be considered old fashioned, but I figure a rule is in place for a reason and when it’s determined it no longer fits, it’s removed. Now, I agree that government can be very slow moving, and it make take what seems like a ridiculously long time to make changes but … I figure that balances out with the rapid speed of some of our changes, like technology! I’m starting to accept the idea of balance more and more, which is what I think of when considering how different changes occur. I’m not sure that my son is of an age to agree with me as he lives in an environment that has always leaned towards immediate gratification. I’m of an age where I remember how much time it took to do things. How making a phone call involved rotary dials and staying in place. Where a TV channel was changed by getting up and walking to the set. Where TVs only had a few channels to change! Are these things old fashioned? Maybe, but I don’t believe we’d be where we are today without having progressed through those times.

I receive a newspaper each morning. It’s part of my morning routine that I am unwilling to give up. Now some, like my son, would point out that I can get all of that information on my phone, tablet or laptop. It’s available at my fingertips. But I like the tactile feel of my paper and each morning I do the puzzles that come in it. I don’t think the puzzles or maybe even the information in the paper is old fashioned. But if you talk to my boy, he’ll tell you getting a newspaper certainly ranks in the “old ways”. Actually, as I’m thinking about it, I feel like mainstream media is being considered old fashioned. I’m not ready to give it up yet, either. I’m sure there are many arguments available to discredit news outlets, but I appreciate what they bring. I don’t read online media that is not accredited because a lot of it can’t be trusted. [And I’m sure those who dislike mainstream media would say the same thing about them.] Anyone can put anything out there and be believed. That’s frightening, a big part of the global problems that we are facing, and for another day.

That leads me to think of old fashioned justice. Now there’s something that scares me. What does that mean exactly? The idea of an eye for an eye, as an example, is terrifying. We know with the advancements in medicine and technology that a narrow, prejudiced view of an event does not tell the whole story. We know that evidence is critical in proving innocence and guilt. Our justice system is flawed but I much prefer it to how things were done in the past. So, I’m just going to leave the idea of old fashioned justice alone.

I want integrity. I want to live my life with integrity. I’m interested in honesty with compassion. Remember that old fashioned parental saying, if you don’t have something good to say, don’t say anything at all? I’m okay with that. I don’t think you need or want me to tell you if I think your haircut is awful. What good does that do? If you like it and it makes you feel good, that is all that matters. That goes for me, too. I’m going to choose clothing, hairstyles, décor, all with my own look in mind. It’s what I see when I look in the mirror that matters. So, is integrity old fashioned? It seems that when people start talking in generalities, it’s easy to point fingers at generations. For instance, I’ve heard that this current generation of job seekers don’t know anything about communication. All they know are devices. Well, I might say that face to face communication, speaking instead of texting is old fashioned, based on what’s available to our youth. Is it? Or is it a natural progression? And still, my question remains, is integrity old fashioned? I don’t think so. I think it’s a value that some people, regardless of age or era, lived by. I think other people do not. I don’t think it fits in a timeframe. I don’t think it needs to. Historically there are many people we can point to and say that person lived authentically. I’d rather not consider the “others”.

So what have I learned? Maybe there is no “old fashioned”. It’s often said that history repeats itself. Well, if it does, then what’s old fashioned for one generation may become what’s new for another. I’ve decided, after more than two pages and lots of words, that I’m not going to think in terms of “old fashioned” anymore. I’m going to define the attributes that matter to me without putting them into time categories. I don’t need to live in a Victorian-era village (although I love the historical homes). I need to be somewhere that is peaceful, that has friendly people, that is beautiful to see, and that makes me feel welcome. I don’t need to force old fashioned manners on others. I need to live my life as I see fit. If that means I enjoy writing notes, then I’ll write notes. If that means, I like baking or cooking from scratch, well I’ll do that. If I want the convenience of takeout, then I’ll place my order.

I have no desire to go back to a time where women weren’t citizens. Where we weren’t allowed to speak up or attend schools or become powerful. I want to live in a time where we hold each other up, whatever our gender. I want to live peacefully, without answering to a society based in division. Now, that may sound old fashioned and if it is, oh well. Maybe that is me. And that is how I am trying to build my retirement plan. Finding what speaks to me.

This tea wagon was gifted to me by my mom and I absolutely adore it. It’s a perfect fit in my house. The tea and coffee service need a little TLC. No wonder they had servants to take care of everything in the old days! If everything needs to be polished, you’d never have time for anything else!

When I was growing up, it was quite normal to have afghans, like the one on the left. I don’t see them as much anymore. They were wonderfully cozy to snuggle under while on the couch. On the right is a handmade quilt. Both of these beautiful examples of old fashioned, handmade blankets were made by my grandma. The quilt is made of odd bits of leftover fabric and clothes that had been outgrown.

On one of my mom’s visits, she arrived with this antique piano stool. It’s one of my next projects and I can’t wait to share it put together and in place!

A beautiful, peaceful sky over my old fashioned house.

My thanks to a friend who suggested antiques and quilts for my pictures.