Loneliness…

My mom asked me why family members don’t drop by to visit. I could answer immediately about myself and said that with my three hour round trip required, dropping by without setting it up and knowing she would be there, really didn’t work for me. She understood that and wondered aloud about my sister, two nephews, and niece. They live close-by and don’t seem to stop in for visits. This required a little more thought from me. When I look back, we used to drop in all the time to my Gram’s house. It was very natural. As kids we would stop by a friend’s place and either knock on the door to see if they were able to play or wander into their backyard if we heard voices. We knew everyone’s parents and were welcome everywhere. Nowadays, that isn’t the “norm”. My uncle lives in an apartment building that has only 16 units and is limited to two floors. He never locks his door and people will stop by at any time and be welcomed. If he’s not there, they leave a note. That’s the hometown that I remember. Things don’t seem the same nowadays.

So, back to my mom’s question. Does something like not having visitors, impact who we are? Does it play a role in how we feel? I can’t say I ever remember my Gram being lonely, although it’s possible. Certainly, it doesn’t seem my uncle is. Is my mom lonely? I’m sure she was during COVID lockdowns. She’s not particularly fond of chatting on the phone and is a social creature. Without the opportunity to be out doing all that she used to, bridge, mass, different events, she had to have felt isolated and alone, if not outright lonely. The big and small interactions that we used to have as a normal part of our lives: visits on the sidewalks, in stores, backyard barbecues and pool parties, and just “stopping by” were lost for two years or more. And what has that done for us as individuals and society?

In some ways, it’s been great for me. While I went quite a long time without “doing” much, I’m back to attending events that interest me, going out for dinner, and enjoying most of life without a mask. I’m happy to be back attending church in person, going to the theatre for a movie, and to the arts centre for a show. I’m also thrilled that I don’t have to work at the office yet and that I can be at home in my own peace and quiet. However, I do wonder about loneliness and how that impacts me. There are times when I wish that I had someone with whom to share the ups and downs of life. I have wonderful family and friends to whom I can turn, but it isn’t the same as having that person who knows me and who shares special and ordinary times.

And yet, I wonder what loneliness actually is. Is it from being on your own? I’ve heard it said that a person can be lonely in the midst of hundreds of people. If that’s true, then loneliness isn’t just about being alone in a physical way. I looked it up online and found some interesting statements. They include words like friendless, lack or loss of companionship, isolation, and lack of social needs being met. While there is an Oxford Languages online definition, I found some of the other options provided a better sense of the related feelings.

Ultimately, I think it comes down to how you feel. If you feel out of touch with the people around you, I can understand that it might be loneliness. If you don’t have people around you, I can also see how you would feel lonely. I consider myself to be in an interesting situation. I live alone and don’t have a life partner. I have a dog and certainly he provides some companionship. What I do have though, is a lot of people in my life. I have family, both close and further afield, tons of friends, and colleagues that I respect and enjoy. I’m a season ticket holder for my favourite team and at each home game am surrounded by other season ticket holders who share the excitement of the game. It’s noticed if you miss a game, and we chat throughout. Not exactly friends but definitely friendly with a common interest. This past weekend I hosted a family barbecue and was so happy to see everyone who came. The pool was used, as was the badminton setup, the dining area, and my new BBQ. We had three sitting areas in use and lots of happy chatter. It was truly wonderful to look around and see and after they had all left, dog and I settled in the living room for a bit of quiet. He passed out cold and I snuggled with a book. I always feel a little bereft after I have a visitor or visitors depart and I did on Sunday, too. It’s not a feeling that sticks around, though, which is why I wonder how deep my loneliness actually is.

I do notice that I’ll get an almost tangible feeling of regret at being alone at strange times. It might be while I’m driving home from the game or work, and I want to share something that happened. It could be when I’m getting ready for bed and I shut all the lights down and turn on the alarm, alone. Sometimes when I’m having tea on my porch, I’ll wish that I had someone with whom to share my good fortune. I guess that’s a sense of loneliness.

So, what does it teach me? I think it tells me that, like so much of life, it’s in my hands how I want to proceed. There are options available that would get me out and participating with new people. We have a ladies group in our little village, and I have “signed up”. They have get-togethers over breakfast, kayaking adventures, and a walking club. Last night was too hot and humid so the first one I was going to attend was cancelled, but September is around the corner and the days and evenings will be perfect for walking soon. It will give me the opportunity to meet some women from the village and also get a bit of exercise. And I’ll make the point of joining some of their other activities, as well. It also lets me participate only when I’m available and interested.

There are plenty of opportunities out there, but we have to be willing to look for them and to engage. It often means stepping outside our comfort zones as we meet new people and try new things. It seems to me that meeting new people can be very difficult. I’m a naturally shy person but I’ve learned how to be comfortable around strangers. Unfortunately, it means I’m often contented with being quiet on my own. Being surrounded by people I don’t know doesn’t mean I’m quick to start conversations or get to know them. I’m quite happy to take myself out to dinner, sit alone with a book, and enjoy someone else’s cooking. I have no issues going to my games on my own. I like chatting with my seatmates but don’t consider it essential to having a good time.

So, am I lonely? Maybe is the best answer I can give. I think most people have moments of feeling alone and lonely. [I would imagine there are some parents who would love some of that alone time. Once the kids are grown and gone you may find yourself wishing for some of that noise and chaos!] Society tells us we should be with a life partner, the love of our lives, and that without, we’re lacking. I look around and see so many great couples that it makes me wonder what’s wrong with me. Why don’t I have someone? Mostly, I think it’s because I have very set requirements. The last time I thought I’d found someone, I discovered that I left myself behind and that’s not going to happen again.

So, when I try to look at myself with some objectivity, I don’t see a lonely person. I see a cozy person. I don’t worry (well, not a lot) about what others think of me. I’m quite content to have my little house and my yard. I love to travel and learn and that hasn’t changed but I’m not rushing out the door anxious to meet the people of the village. I’m taking it slowly, in my own time, and enjoying the process of getting to know the area while meeting people along the way. I’ve noticed that I get hellos and quick chats where a year ago I would have received only a smile. I participate in my local church and will probably make an effort over the fall and winter to get out a little more.

I guess I’m wondering if that’s enough. Does it take care of any moments of loneliness? Or are those moments normal and just part of life. Is this what I want for my future years? Will this type of living work for me when I decide to retire? I think there will be new opportunities once I decide what the path forward will be. I don’t expect to retire and do nothing. I expect to embark on a new adventure. New adventures almost always bring new people. I’m not sure that this blog really worked anything out. Maybe it’s not meant to. Maybe it’s just a way to get some thoughts out of my head and down on paper; a way to sort out my feelings. I think I’m lucky. Even when I’m on my own and all alone with the dog, I don’t ever feel forgotten. I have so many people in my life, and I’m blessed by what each brings to my world.

Old Fashioned…

Attachments…

The Second Half

christine.mcauliffe@yahoo.ca