Great Expectations…

As so often happens, the blog I’ve been writing this week has been pushed aside for a different topic. On Friday I received news that was so disappointing I actually shed tears. I was overwhelmingly discouraged. The weight of it took me down a dark path that I don’t think I’ve ever been on, even during the struggles of a year ago. I’m a person that has to let my mind free to work its way out of the depths. In this case, I did a deep mental dive to re-evaluate the expectations of my life and as often seems to happen, I wrote about it.

 I always thought I was destined to be great. My definition of greatness isn’t a ton of money, a huge house, an important title, vacations overseas, or the front page of the newspaper. My desire to be great means that I want to make positive change. I have certain values at the core of my desire. They include the belief in learning more from failure than success. That does not mean I don’t want to succeed. It just means that I’m aware of where the true learning lies. I believe in taking responsibility for my actions or inactions and in being accountable. I try very hard to be authentic and acknowledge it’s one of the hardest things to achieve in a world that tells us who we should be. I want my son to know his value in all aspects of his life. I want him to see that my hard work is worthwhile. I want my work world and my personal world to always improve.

I want to make a difference in my world. When I first started my master’s, it was just an intangible thought. But that need became concrete and I am so grateful that I took the chance and opportunity of that education. The interactions with an amazing cohort of people from different backgrounds and perspectives, along with the intense work of addressing the topic of conflict, brought the desire to make the world better to the forefront of my life. I’ve always volunteered, whether in a community, church, or organizational environment. But it was a thing to do rather than a calling. Now I’m struggling again and searching for authenticity in my life. At the core, what is my purpose? What is calling me? How can I help? What do I need to do or be to help others?

We all have different parts of our lives. If we have children, regardless of their age(s) we are parents and that takes a particular energy. When we have a career, we are feeding into an organization that requires something from us. Our personal lives have needs as well. If I define greatness as a parent, for me it’s knowing that I have and continue to guide my son along a safe path. I can’t make his decisions for him, but I can hope that he learns from my journey as he learns from his own missteps. I hope I can give him a sense of the wider world and that he sees my values and embraces the good of them. In my job I hope that I can give all of my work time in a positive and productive way to the company. I hope I will continue to work hard to achieve successful outcomes. And my personal life? Well, being who I am, I just have to try to keep going and working to find my place in the world. I need to hold onto the moments of joy so that they carry me through the lows.

All of my life I thought I was meant for greatness. My definition of greatness, not popularity or front-of-the-camera stuff. I know I’m smart. I’m not great at sharing the smart. I work incredibly hard to be successful. Success is positive outcomes of the work I do, a roof over my head and food to eat, a car to get me where I need to go, and most importantly, people who matter in my life. I don’t count success as the amount of money I make, although I will be the first to say that being poor is not a goal. I’ve been down the path of wondering which bill I have to skip, and I have no intention of going back there. It’s about having what I need to live comfortably, not extravagantly. Greatness is feeling valued, worthwhile, belonging, and wanted.

I know so many people who seem to have wonderful family and personal lives but are struggling at work. Or they are climbing the ladder in their careers and yet, there is no time for self. There are very few I see that are “winning” everywhere. I’m smart, driven, don’t have a young family at home that needs me, so what’s missing for me?

Being smart isn’t always enough. Being driven isn’t always enough. Success or greatness in a career comes from a combination of education, network, hard work, opportunities and luck. I have some of those although not all, like most people. It’s a rare few who are able to put it all together. I need to consider what it is that I actually want at this stage in my life. There comes a time, as I’m discovering, where life is different, and you have to acknowledge that dreams of yesterday don’t fit the life of today. That realization may come naturally, as a shock, or with some grief. For me, it’s grief. It’s saying good bye to something that has driven me for decades. It’s also forcing me to face something difficult, aging. Everything changes as I grow older and I’m realizing that my goals have to change too, although it isn’t easy for me to accept.

Greatness must be about more than a career, though, and I think that’s one of my biggest struggles. I’ve poured so much into this one thing for the last six years that I forgot to make sure the rest of my life was growing too. Life is huge and I can’t force it all into a small box that is only supposed to take up one third of my Monday to Friday. That makes it far less than a third of my whole life. Or even of my year, when you add in weekends and vacation. So why do I focus only on the one part? I know some of that answer. It’s the driven part of me. It’s the type of industry in which I work – it is not a Monday to Friday industry. It’s seven days a week and every day of the year. It’s been easy for me to forget the rest of life because my son is grown up and away. It’s been easy to use it as the excuse for not engaging in the outside world.

The whole of life includes toil, tears, disappointments, and all the greatness of living. It’s not just work or family or a sport you love. It’s all of it. And when I start to embrace that idea, even with the grief of giving up on the goal of greatness, there comes a lightness. It’s time to make new expectations for myself. And they can still be great. They just might have a different focus.

I indulged myself in some daydreaming this weekend. And this is what I saw when I closed my eyes. Reading a book for as long as I want. Getting comfy on one of my new chairs (wait until you see the picture below!), maybe with a cup of tea, and allowing myself to dive into the characters and their story. Putting my feet up, turning up the music and letting it soar over me. Or maybe getting on my feet and dancing around the house. Baking cookies just because I want to fill the cookie jar, not because I promised baked goods to anyone. Meeting a friend for a drink. Going kayaking with no schedule to follow. Being able to stay out on the water for as little or as long as I want. Planning a trip. Taking a day to visit one of the beautiful little towns scattered around our area. Going to the sugar shack. Hopping on a train and taking a spur of the moment weekend away.

And something else came, from deep down inside. I can picture myself sitting at my beautiful antique desk and writing an article or this blog or maybe a book. I can see it with the window wide open to warm summer air and I can picture it with the gas stove on behind me, warming the room in the middle of winter. When I close my eyes and daydream, I feel comfort and I feel wellness. And why can’t I make this a reality? Why not believe in a new goal? Great expectations are possible, but they have to be pursued. I can’t sit back and wait for it to happen. If I want it, I have to choose the path.

I was given an antique piano stool and on the left is how it arrived. On the right is what it looks like put back together. Still to come is how I set it up for use!

The new rods and curtains are all set up!

Only one of the new chairs has arrived but doesn’t it look great? I’m still awaiting one chair and the ottoman. In the meantime, I think what I’ve got is working just fine.