Energy…
I woke up the other day bursting with positive energy. To be honest, it’s been far too long since I’ve felt that way. What a blessing it was! It made me realize that as much as I can push through and “get things done”, forcing myself to keep moving is adding to my overall sense of exhaustion.
A story: In the first year of the COVID pandemic, I took my dog to our vet due to a growth on his paw. It was not operable due to its location, and it didn’t seem to be negatively impacting his quality of life. Our vet told me to look after him, come back if/when it got worse, and to carry on. A few months later we were moving to a new village and this old house. The dog and I went into our new vet for shots, etc. and shared our previous vet’s information. In early October of last year, I took him back to the vet as I was concerned that the tumour on his paw was getting worse. The outcome of that trip was a choice of three options: go through chemo, amputate his paw, put him down. I walked out of the office in shock and dismay. There was no way I could afford to put him through chemo, and I think the after-effects would be unkind, given his advanced years. As for the idea of amputation, the vet said that dogs adapt quickly and yet, I didn’t feel that was fair to him or myself. He was almost 14 years old – how could I put him through that?! And putting him down? Well, he was still running across the yard, chasing bikes, greeting visitors, eating, drinking, etc. Was he really at that point? It certainly didn’t appear to me that he was at the end of the road but I’m not a vet. How could I know? When I arrived back home, a good friend was able to calm me down and pointed out that I know the dog best and that as long as he was living well and not suffering I didn’t have to put him down yet. 13 months go by and I’m stressing out because we have to go back to the vet. [I had been in the vet’s office over the course of the year picking up his food but not to see the vet.] It was time for the dog’s annual shots. I was a mess. I knew I had to go, and I was feeling almost guilty about not choosing one of the three options. I can tell you there are few times in my life when I’ve felt angry and sad and frustrated and confused and guilty and overwhelmed about one thing all at the same time. Even as I write this, I find it difficult to accurately describe the range and intensity of the emotions that I felt. So, off we went to the vet’s office, the dog happy to be out for a walk and me, full of trepidation. When the vet walked into the room, I was surprised as I didn’t recognize her. It was a different vet and she had gone through his file and didn’t seem particularly impressed with the comments from last year. She looked at him and told me he didn’t seem to be favouring the leg (which I knew), didn’t seem to be in any particular pain (again, I knew that), and was full of life (he was at the time trying to climb onto the window sill). She calmed my nerves by telling me he was fine for shots but that he could use some antibiotics. We talked about where he’s at and she said he’s good to go for now. She flat out said she didn’t understand the previous vet’s comments. In a 15 minute appointment she took away my guilt and made me feel like someone cared. I know that when the time comes there is a vet who will be there with understanding and will put his best interests first. Now, this might not seem like much, especially if you are not a pet owner, but I can tell you it made a world of difference for me. I have spent the last year with this heavy weight on me, knowing that eventually I would have to take him back to that vet office. So, why am I sharing this with you in a blog about energy? Because this took place the day before I awoke refreshed and re-energized.
I knew I was being impacted by what had happened the year before but certainly not to what extent. It was a weight that was basically invisible. After all, our pets live significantly shorter lives than we do, and we know that before we bring one into our lives and houses. It isn’t a surprise. It doesn’t diminish the pain we feel when we near the end of their time with us, though. And I know with each day that I am getting closer to the time when I’ll have to say goodbye.
This experience made me wonder what else is weighing me down? What else is taking the energy that I need to live? What is draining that necessary vigour from my everyday world? Because whether I recognize it or not, something is dragging at me and I can’t do anything about it, if I don’t know what it is. For me, realizing the impact that a negative encounter had on me is a great first step to finding a way forward. It’s already looking better, as I said at the start. It’s not perfect, and how often is life? But I believe my life has to be more than survival. It has to mean something. It has to have value. Energy is necessary to do more than meet the basic needs of existence.
My desire is to regain my love of life, the spark that means learning, advancing, and finding the right path forward. I’ve discovered so much about myself in the work I’ve embarked on with this old house and I’m not done. Not with the house or with self-discovery. The question remains, how do I keep the energy up? How do I become a better me? And what does that actually mean? Does a better me just mean I’m happy? Or does a better me mean I’m giving back in some way?
Now let me tell you about a special experience I recently had. My son gave me an incredible gift. He bought me a ticket to Bono’s book launch for Surrender: 40 Songs, One Story. This was his only Canadian date. I have loved U2, the band, for decades. Their music speaks to me. The energy the band puts out during a concert is wild. I’m not a person who rushes out to buy memoirs or autobiographies. I’ve never been a big fan of the genre and rarely read them. I’d seen reviews of Bono’s book in the newspaper, and it sounded very special. It sounded like more than the usual, this is what I’ve done. What I read made me want to get a copy of the book. It sounded like storytelling and the story was Bono’s. And my amazing son gave me a ticket to experience it live. To say it was a great evening is an understatement. To say it has the possibility of being life-changing is truth.
Why only a possibility? Because only I can make the decision to change my life. Someone else’s words or example can provide the idea or motivation or impetus. But only I can do. [When we try to help others, it can be very hard for us to accept that we can’t make them do what we suggest. We can push and prod and talk ourselves hoarse but only the person at the receiving end can be open enough and interested enough to do something with our words.] So, here I am in that position. I can’t say that everyone found the evening to be life-changing. Those are pretty powerful words, after all. What I can say is that they were spellbound by Bono’s words, spoken and sung. I was a witness to something pretty incredible.
Now, the life-changing part. This blog is about energy and how sometimes we are weighed down, even though we don’t realize. For something to be life-changing, there has to be an electricity pulsing through it. It has to be dynamic and the recipient, me, has to embrace the vibrations. Okay. Now what? I’m back home. Back to my regular routine. Back to the job. How do I take that force I encountered and make it into something?
Have you heard the expression, money begets money? Well, I think the same can be said about energy. Once that excitement starts you can build it into something powerful. Or you can lie down and ignore it. Again, the choice is yours. I choose to let it grow. It doesn’t diminish the weights I carry. But it does give me more strength to cope with them and to find new ways to reduce them. I want to take what I learned and turn it into something. I want to make the world a better place. That’s been a goal for a long time, and I’ll admit I haven’t done much. Yet. I hopefully, still have a lot of time left. Time in which to learn more about this world and the people in it. Time to find my place in this world. Time to figure out what path to take.
The energy and humility and love of storytelling that I witnessed was inspirational. It was an evening of stories and explanations of how Bono has become the man he is and how he is continuing to grow. It was a demand for action for all those that want to speak for the less fortunate. It was an awakening of desire to do better and be better. And it was a call for fun. That was one of the most important parts of the evening for me. Yes, Bono is a man of strong faith. And yes, he is a genius when it comes to song writing. And yes, he is a devoted husband and loving father who acknowledges that his wife saved him. And yes, he has used his fame and voice to speak for those without. And yes, he is a man who believes in fun.
So many times we dismiss the importance of fun. We don’t want our governmental leaders to look like they’re enjoying themselves! We don’t want to admit that God gave us the ability to make joy and fun with our talents and in our world. We have religious leaders that want us under the weight of seriousness. Why can’t we be full of life, rejoicing in our gifts, and having a good time while we’re at it? Surrender, Bono’s book launch was all of that. He received cheers, standing ovations, an audience singing along with him, and joyful tears (from me). That is the good that comes from energy. From our life force. I am committing to grow this electricity within me and find my way. And the first thing I am going to do is plan a once in a lifetime trip. Stick with me and I’ll share more as it becomes a reality.
I received a special gift from my neighbours and had to share. Pooh and friends are so much fun!
How joyful are sweet peas blooming in November?! Where I live this is quite a special treat!
A reminder of what my front door used to look like!
The new front door! The plan to put a screen door on front had to be changed and instead this beautiful storm door was installed. The wonderful thing is there is also a screen - the top half of the door can be window or screen to allow light and air into the front of the house. It also means the front door is now accessible and the door’s original doorbell (the dark in the centre) is available for use. You should hear it! I will be able to hear it everywhere in the house. The clean up of the doorbell is an upcoming project as I will get it shining once again!
Hallowe’en night and I was able to greet my trick-or-treaters at the front entrance and the dog was able to watch from safely inside, all of the activity!
The excitement of changes with the house and a feeling of renewed interest in finding myself is helping me become me. I think some people know who they are from an early age and some like me, spend years wandering.