Contradictions…

Human beings are a mass of contradictions. That’s what makes us interesting and complex. I also think that’s what makes change possible. When you are willing to open up and listen to different opinions and thoughts, you have the opportunity to strengthen your own position or adapt and understand another person’s. You may end up agreeing with some or all of the other or you might decide that your stand works for you. That doesn’t make you a hypocrite or contradiction, it means you’re open to learning.

I often recognize myself as a contradictory person. This blog is about some of the areas where I can easily see those contradictions in myself. I have varying strengths about some of my beliefs and opinions. There are times when no one will change my mind. Generally, it’s not because I think I know more than someone else. More often, it’s related to someone else’s expertise that I respect. There are many times when I am not the subject matter expert, but I consider myself smart enough to rely on those who are the experts. At those times, I am happy to learn more and to accept. At other times I realize that my age gives me some foundation on which to build my opinions and beliefs and I have no problem holding firm.

Seasons

I love Autumn. It’s my absolute favourite time of year. I’m sad though, when saying goodbye to Summer. Summer means my pool. My pool means time relaxing and swimming. It also means an investment. An investment in the time and energy to open and maintain, as well as the monetary investment required to run it. As much as the pool provides relief from the heat, I love when the heat dissipates and becomes the crispness of Autumn mornings. The brilliance of the leaves as they change colours, almost hurts my eyes. I love the energy that comes when the air goes sharp instead of heavy. I hold off as long as I possibly can to finish my yard and switch to winter mode. I love when the temperature climbs to warm us during the day and then cools off enough to put on a sweatshirt at night. Today is a great example of why I should do more than just enjoy the season! I should work on the yard in Fall nearly as hard I as do all Summer and then I wouldn’t find myself running out of time! We had unseasonably warm weather and it’s now the middle of November. Today (the day that I started writing the blog) the temperatures have dropped to single digit highs. Now I have no choice. I have to get the summer furniture put away or covered. I have to switch to my “winter porch”. I really should get my Christmas lights done. One might think with my love of Fall, that I would embrace this work and have been organized. Every year it seems to be the same thing. I’m always just past the ideal date to finish the clean up. So here I am, looking at our first week of truly chilly weather and trying to make a plan to complete everything.

Century House

I’ve always wanted to own a century home. I’ve loved the charm, history, and connection to the past. Now that I’ve been here for almost two years, I still have days where I shake my head and wonder what is wrong with me! This is incredibly stressful at times, especially in terms of the monetary investment, never mind the time. But it’s also very satisfying when it comes together. I love to look at real estate listings. Not to find the next house, but to appreciate what is out there and what people have done with their homes. I’m always looking for ideas. What I’ve discovered recently is that very few houses have kitchens that wow me. I think it’s because I love mine so much. It’s different than I first envisioned and definitely different from what I’ve always thought was my style. This is much brighter and lighter than my usual feel. I’ve always leaned towards darker colours and wood, which I think has a warmer feeling. Great example of embracing a different view, I guess! So obviously there are elements to love in this house. There are also things that are depressing and worrisome. I know come Spring, that I’ll be battling water in the basement again. Last year was an improvement over my first year. Doesn’t make the dread any less, to be honest. I worry about the condition of the stone foundation and the floors, especially. I really need to put some effort into both. At least I think I do. For me, this house is a massive contradiction. I am glad I moved here but there are days I wonder if a new house would be easier. And along with that thought is the reality that there is no guarantee it would make me happy.

Intelligence

That leads to another contradiction in my life. A high school teacher who was also one of my athletic coaches told my mother I wasn’t nearly as good as I was made out to be. I’ve known that story for a very long time. I’ve wondered for years if it was true. If maybe I was a fraud. I’ve always had a desire to be an academic; a desire to learn and grow through education. But what if I am a fake? What if I’m not that smart? When I did my master’s degree, one of my professors, who became my thesis advisor, asked me what I was going to do now that I’d found out how smart I am? Well, it’s a few years since I graduated and to be honest, I’m still asking myself that question. I still have grand dreams, but they’ve been feeling more fairy tale like lately; more distanced from the reality in which I exist. I haven’t taken the easy way for a long time. I’ve fought hard to get where I want to go and now I’m somewhere I don’t want to be. Talk about contradicting emotions!

Career

What if you have a great regard for your organization and for its work but you don’t like your job? What if you’re good at your job and you don’t like it? How’s that for a contradiction? I would imagine a lot of people find themselves in that state at some point in their lives. Let’s face it. Not everyone gets to do what they love. Those that do are living the dream, in my opinion. I can’t imagine a greater work scenario than loving to start your work day, each day. I love what our company does. I think the people doing the core business are incredible and the people supporting them are wonderful and keep it all going. It can’t be easy always being in the supporting role. People know our company for the core business and not necessarily for what goes into making it happen. That must be tough. What happens when you’ve been part of the core and are now in a supporting position? Do you see the good you’ve done? Maybe that’s all that matters. What if you don’t see the good? Or what if you feel like you’re just one of many and can be easily replaced? Do you wonder if you’re bringing anything particularly unique to the situation? Perhaps without meaning to, someone can make you feel unvalued and unwanted. After all, when you’re easily replaced, you aren’t truly needed. And yet, I would hope that people receive some validation for their work and their contributions. I am blessed to have an incredible network of friends that boost me up on a regular basis.

Love/Romance

There’s another great contradiction in my life. I would love to love and be loved. Who doesn’t want that in their lives? But I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be open enough again. Knowing that someone is there for you and you for them. Wanting to share your day with someone else. Sharing in the good and the bad of your day. Taking on someone else’s worries and celebrations. It sounds awesome and a little terrifying. I don’t know if I can trust enough again. I don’t just mean the big, deep trust. I also mean the initial trust. In today’s world going on a date requires trusting that you will get home safely. I mean, honestly, do you ask for a police check? We’re so aware of all the bad in the world, it can be difficult to trust the unknown.

Faith and Religion

What about faith and religion? Those two words can be a contradiction. I have no doubt in my faith and I love being Catholic. I know though, that not all that is preached in the homily is something I agree with or believe. I’ve definitely had issues with that lately. Speaking with a fellow parishioner the other night I mentioned a little of my concern. She obviously speaks with her husband about such things (his family is Buddhist, not Catholic) and she told me what he had to say on the subject. It was in line with my own thoughts, and I was so appreciative of her words. It made it easier for me to be there and to pray. I like being Catholic. Not only is it how I was raised, it makes me feel good to attend mass. The homily is only one small part. It isn’t the most important part. Priests are only one part, and human, too. They do the best they can from their own experiences and knowledge. Sometimes they hit it right and sometimes not. Just because something doesn’t sit well with me, does not mean it didn’t work for another person in the church. Maybe that’s an important point. At the end of the day, I recognize (as my fellow parishioner said) the priest is not the church. The church is my method for connecting to God and it isn’t my only one but it’s the one that works for me. So, it seems like this particular contradiction is one that I’ve settled for myself.

Decorating

I’m going to end this blog talking about my house. I really wanted to take the age and heritage and make it an elegant home. As I’ve been planning colours and purpose, I continually find myself changing my mind. Originally I wanted to make the front two rooms a silver colour. Silver said elegance to me. I tried different shades and found one I liked. I knew that I wanted an accent wall and decided that I would have the same accent colour in each of the two front rooms, as one opens into the other. I like deep colours for accent walls and chose a deep burgundy. Wrongly, and due to excitement, I painted the accent wall first. One should not do that when one is planning to paint the ceiling! I was thrilled with the warmth and depth of the burgundy. Unfortunately at that point, I was no longer in love with the idea of silver for the rest of the walls. The one thing I knew for certain was that the ceiling would need a fresh coat of paint. But what was I going to do instead of silver? Remember I said I want to make the house elegant. Well, I may be coming to accept that the house isn’t truly elegant in its bones. I think it’s warm and welcoming. So often when I look through house listings or décor magazines, I’m struck by how cool some of those more traditionally sophisticated colours appear. They may be beautiful in a magazine, but they aren’t me and they aren’t this house. And that doesn’t mean I can’t make the house stylish. Style is less about the experts and more about you. What works for you; what makes you happy to be home; what makes you feel good. And that’s what I’m trying to accomplish with this house. Hope you enjoy the pictures and my adventures as I continue to figure out who I am and where I’m going!

I thought my ceiling was an off-white until I started painting it “actual” white. This is only the first coat and it’s a significant change!

Getting ready.

You’ll notice I didn’t worry about making a mess along the edge of the ceiling. After all, I’m going to take care of that!

I want to point out the difference a new switch plate can make!

First corner done!

Prepping the second corner! A weekend doesn’t always give you enough time to do everything!

First full wall is complete! I know I made the right choice for me because every time I look this direction, I smile!