Difficult Decision…

I’ve been struggling lately and up until this afternoon I thought I knew what was going on. I thought I was depressed. The kind of depression that could use some help. The kind of depression that sent me looking for a counsellor. Before I go any further, I didn’t suddenly decide I’m fine and without problems. I might still need someone to talk with and I haven’t ruled out that possibility. This afternoon though, as I drove home, I realized that my struggles have been related to a fight I’m having with myself. I think it’s partly due to getting older, partly due to ego, and partly due to a change in goals. Six months ago I knew that I wanted a particular job. I know that I can do it and I know that getting a chance at it is slim. I was excited about the opportunities that the job would hold, the challenges of creating something new and the energy that would be required. I wanted it. A lot can change in six months. I’ve come to realize that what I want out of my future is different than what I wanted six months ago. Now I see the future as a blank slate that I can write upon and it doesn’t have to be filled with my current reality. I can make it what I want. I’m not going to remain tied to where I am. I’m recognizing that aging really does bring a new perspective. I don’t like that word, “aging”. I’ve never been particularly fond of it. I think it’s mostly because I wanted to achieve a certain status by a certain age. I wanted others to know what I’m capable of and how smart I am. Because I am smart. I’ve never felt that it’s been noticed and I’ve wanted it to be acknowledged. The truth is, I’m not going to achieve that desired level. Not where I am. It’s time to accept that and understand that it doesn’t define me. I define me.

I recently read the following from Elizabeth Gilbert: “We all spend our twenties and thirties trying so hard to be perfect, because we’re so worried about what people will think of us. Then we get into our forties and fifties, and we finally start to be free, because we decide that we don’t give a damn what anyone thinks of us. But you won’t be completely free until you reach your sixties and seventies, when you finally realize this liberating truth - nobody was ever thinking about you, anyhow.”

I’ll be honest, I’m not sure that’s completely true in a business sense. I believe people are looking at you and making judgements about you when you are in meetings, speaking up, not speaking up, giving proposals, and putting your name forward. Unfortunately, I also think they’re not looking at your potential, they’re looking at the you of today. And the you of today might be the you with exhaustion showing on your face or it might be a spectacular you that is brilliant. What gets missed is the potential of you - the you that, with an opportunity to learn and develop, can be amazing. That’s the you I’m interested in. That’s the you that I believe I have inside of me.

That potential me needs to be driven to succeed. I can’t sit back and expect it to come to me. And when I was thirty I was that driven person. When I was forty I was still that person. Even a year ago that person was me. In the last six months that me has changed. In the last six months I’ve begun to understand that this me isn’t as driven to achieve the same definition of success. So what has changed? My definition of success has changed. You can be a CEO of a Fortune 500 company and chances are you’ll be remembered for a long time. Your name will be known. But eventually another CEO will be brighter, smarter, more charismatic and your name will become an entrance in Wikipedia. That goes for every job there is. The people that interest me are the ones who find something to love that is more than a position in a company. That hasn’t always been my truth but I’m starting to really understand that we make our mark by being something extraordinary. I like reading obituaries and the ones that jump out at me are the ones that are written with so much love for the person. The ones that shout about their accomplishments, beyond what brings in the pay cheque. Those ones, where a person’s love of life is celebrated, are the obituaries of truly great people. The number of people who showed up to celebrate my uncle last weekend is an example. My uncle lived life with a gusto that is far more important than what job he did.

What’s interesting to me is while this is probably about age, it’s not about growing old in the sense of being elderly. It’s about a new way of thinking that is definitely coming from where I am in life, with decades of jobs under my belt. It’s about accepting that retirement really is not that far away. For a long time, I’ve treated my retirement date as simply a possibility. I really didn’t want to consider going when I can. I just wanted it as a back-up. Knowing that I can go on a certain date was a way of getting through the tougher times of COVID, of doing a job I wasn’t enjoying, etc. It really wasn’t a true plan. Now that I am getting closer to that age, I’m realizing there is something in me that is saying, it’s time to think differently.

So, back to the start of this blog. I’ve really been looking forward to putting my hat in the ring for a new position. I’ve spent the last couple of weeks struggling. Today I realized the struggle is because I think I should apply to meet that “goal of success” or “show them I can” or to advance.  The toughest part of this is allowing myself to say, I no longer want it. My ego says, you’d better go for it if you’re going to prove that point. My ego says, you should be aiming for that level of position. After all, you know you can do it. Today I’m forced to accept that I don’t want to do it. Yes, maybe I could. But you know what? I don’t want to be in a job that doesn’t excite me. Anyone looking at an application doesn’t want someone who is less than invested and enthusiastic. They shouldn’t be interested in someone who is only looking for a title or the pay cheque that goes with the title. I’ve never applied on anything for that reason, and I now understand that would end up being my motivation and it isn’t good enough.

The last couple of weeks have been really hard for me. I’ve been dealing with some personal issues. I had a burial, celebration of life, and graveside blessing last weekend. I had a very short visit with my son that was overshadowed by all that’s been going on in my head. I’ve started golf for the year and haven’t felt great. I’ve been getting very little done in my yard and my house and my pool. All because I’ve been carrying this weight on me. I’m hopeful that this coming week will feel lighter because I’ve been brave enough to make a difficult decision that is ultimately based on my needs, not on what anyone may or may not be thinking of me. Here’s hoping!

Even when I haven’t had a lot of time to invest in my garden, it gives me joy with its beautiful blooms.

I spent the last couple of years “forcing” my clematis up my ladder. I was thrilled to discover that this year, it’s going on its own!