Executor…

First, let me say two things. One, I am not a lawyer and this blog represents my experiences and feelings, nothing legal. Two, I am technically an executrix. This is one of those situations where you really wonder why we need to have two words? Honestly, I don’t feel that I need to be called an executrix simply because I’m female. Sheesh.

As I wrote about in an earlier blog, my uncle passed away in January. I am his executor. This is the third time I’ve been an executor. The first time was eight years ago with my dad; the second was four years ago with my aunt (the current uncle’s wife). I wanted to write a blog about what it means to me to be an executor.

Being an executor is an honour. There could be many reasons to be asked, in this case, my uncle told me it’s because I had the most experience! I think it’s also because we were close, both geographically and emotionally, he knew I was organized and could handle taking care of the administration of the will and because he trusted me. Trust is important when you’re asked to be an executor.

The administration of a will can be a difficult job, especially if there are large sums of money and property involved. In my case, I don’t come from money so that’s not an issue. Having said that, there is a lot to be done administratively. My uncle rented so it means I had to get the apartment cleaned out as quickly as possible. I am so blessed to have great people in my life and with their help, especially my mom’s, the apartment was emptied in a couple of weeks. It can be difficult to do this as I am still working. The time commitment is quite extensive. Emotionally this can be hard, as I would have loved to take some time to really go through his belongings and walk down memory lane. Unfortunately, that wasn’t available to me. My aunt and uncle didn’t have children but they did have nieces, nephews and a few godchildren. It was truly a pleasure for me to find a gift for each of my cousins and a goddaughter as momentos. In addition to the apartment cleaning, there is also the closing of accounts (think of all those services you receive), paying the bills, disposing of cars, furniture and all of the goods that don’t get spoken for. It was truly heartbreaking to have a company pick up all the leftover furniture. Given more time I might have been able to give it away but again, I had to hold down my job and I needed to empty the apartment. [My uncle had a great landlord - there was no feeling of pressure but I remained aware of his wish to get in, update and rent it out.]

There are always things that get forgotten. I realized this past week that I didn’t get the gravestone carved with the date. It’s another item to add to a list that I thought was getting smaller. There can be reminders required when you cancel a standing donation, for instance, and discover it’s still being collected from the bank account. And let’s not forget taxes. The two things you can’t get through life without are death and taxes and after death, it’s just as important to have the taxes submitted correctly. I’m a firm believer in having an accountant take care of the taxes and that’s the one thing I would suggest to anyone in a similar situation.

Okay, I’ve probably missed a bunch of “to-dos” but that’s the brunt of the administrative work I’ve been and continue to do. You might think that since this is my third time this is easy or the same. It’s very interesting to discover how different each executor experience has been. With my dad’s will, it was all pretty straightforward but I was living in a different province. Without my mom’s support ensuring that all required documentation was signed appropriately and submitted it would have been a nightmare. I found it difficult to cope with certain aspects of my dad’s situation and that caused lots of headaches. I also procrastinated when it came to the burial. Where I live burials do not take place between November and May. When I finally pushed myself to arrange travel home, I chose my dad’s birthday for the interment. [I think technically it’s an inurnment since it’s an urn with cremated remains that is buried but I’ve always used the word interment.] My uncle also passed away during the “non-burial” timeframe and I also arranged his burial to coincide with his birthday since it worked well for my dad. [I couldn’t do this for my aunt as she had a December birthday.]

I mentioned the word trust above when I wrote about being an executor. There is a weight of responsibility that falls onto my shoulders. Trust is critical in my mind when it comes to doing the job correctly. I am entrusted with my uncle’s wishes. This is where it can get very hard. My dad told me three months before he died that he did not want a wake. Unfortunately, I don’t think he told anyone else. So, when the time came and I did not plan a wake for the evening before the funeral I had some upset family members. I would have preferred a wake. It’s the tradition with which I am familiar and there is comfort in it. I did not go against his wishes. Instead we found ourselves waking him in our own way, as a family. It still included a celebration of sorts with stories and drink, so I think he would have been happy with it. With my uncle he made it clear, before he passed away and in his will that he wanted no service. In fact, there was a list of things he did not want and that I have been doing my best to follow. In my uncle’s case, he told a number of his friends there would be no service.

It has been very important to me to make sure my uncle’s wishes are honoured. That’s the word - honour. When someone puts that kind of trust in me, I feel more than duty-bound to ensure I do the right thing. The problem in this case is that not having a service means there’s no way for family and friends to say goodbye. There’s no way to share in the grief. So, I walked a fine line. He still had to be buried. I made it a private time at the cemetery with no clergy or formal elements. Turns out we have a pretty big family when they come together so it’s was a larger gathering than expected and made me even happier that I made it family only. It was a time for us to say goodbye in a setting that was just for us. It was a time for his remaining brothers to have a last moment with their brother. There was room for tears and reverence for a life well lived.

The thing is, my uncle was loved by so many people. I felt the only way to both honour his wishes and allow us to honour him was to have a Celebration of Life. As I said to those who gathered on Saturday, it was about my uncle but it was for us. Family and friends had the opportunity to share their stories, their laughter, their love and their grief. His neighbour sang my uncle’s favourite Irish song, my sister sang a goodbye (look up The Clancy Brother’s, The Parting Glass), we had a love-filled tribute and toast to him along with a series of photographs from his life and we had time together. We more than filled the room! Although he didn’t want a formal service and if I had asked to do a Celebration of Life I think he would have said no, I think it’s something he would have enjoyed. I believe he was with us in spirit.

That’s a bit of the actions I have been involved with since his passing four months ago. In addition to those, there are some intangible things that I’ve been through. As happened with my dad and my aunt, I find that being executor means you delay your own grief. Knowing that, I’ve come to accept that I will probably go through my own period of mourning in the future. There is also the reality of exhaustion. For someone like me who puts a fair bit of pressure on herself, the organizing and carrying out of the will can be very tiring. I expected to feel a sense of relief after the Celebration but I don’t think it’s quite sunk in yet. The final experience I want to mention is catharsis. When you are busy dealing with the details of the will, the administrative tasks involved in “settling” a person’s life and the distribution of assets, I find you need a relief, a break. Even if I haven’t fully grieved yet, coming together with family at the cemetery and then with so many friends afterwards at the Celebration was perfect.

I could write so much more about the loss of a family member, a treasured friend, etc., but this is really just about being the executor. I’d like to write about death at some point but I’m not there yet. Let me end this by saying how grateful I am to so many people. I can’t list them all here but I will say at the top of the list is my mom. She should be the person being cared for and instead she is still my foundation. She holds me up when I start to falter and she gives me the kick in the butt that I occasionally need. I have tons of friends and they, too, do so much for me. I have a special cousin who continually boosts me up. Honestly, I could go on and on. I hope you know who you are. I hope you know how much I appreciate you in my life. Thank you.

This past week has been focussed on the Celebration of Life and I don’t have pictures from home to share. Instead, here are a couple of pictures from the course that my uncle and I enjoyed together. It’s in Lanark, ON and called Timber Run. My son and I had a round of golf in his honour. (Oh, and no balls were sacrificed to the river!)