Children and Parents…

This blog has been exceptionally hard for me to write. I talked about the movie, The Book Club in my last blog. This blog also started from the movie. One of the women has adult children that think they have to take care of their mother and that she has reached an age where they must take over as caregivers. It’s one of the stories in the movie that drives me crazy. She’s has an active life, and her daughters want to bubble wrap her because she’s older. The second thing that precipitated this blog was a passionate discussion I had a week ago. We were talking about what is right and wrong in wills. Their position was that the surviving parent owes their children equally. My position is that the person can do whatever they want with their money. Having said that, I’ve been told I’m wrong and I can definitely see why that’s the dominant viewpoint.

So, I’ve been back and forth about whether I would even publish this topic. I’ve decided to go ahead because a blog topic doesn’t have to be agreed upon by everyone. This one won’t be, and I know it. These are my thoughts. The closer I get to retirement, the more important certain things become. This blog represents some of my concerns, my opinions, and my hopes for my son’s future, as they pertain to me as I age.

When I was a kid I couldn’t wait to grow up, move out, and have my own, adult life. It wasn’t that I wanted to run away from home or get away from my parents. It was about the image I had of the freedom to make my own choices and do exciting things. Of course I was a kid and didn’t really get the reality of adult life: the work, bills, and responsibilities that all go hand in hand with the freedom. As a child I don’t remember a lot of situations with adult children moving back in with their parents. That seems to be a relatively new phenomenon. Adult children bringing their senior parent or parents to live with them – the reverse – now that wasn’t abnormal.

My mom has a lot of friends through her different interests, and I think they span ages. She talks of friends who have “welcomed” their children back into their homes. While I’m sure as parents they love and care for their children, I’m not as sure that a truly warm welcome is what they feel. After all, they’ve raised their children, they’ve probably helped with their grandchildren, and now they’re being asked to provide parental support once again. Of course, as a parent, they don’t want to turn their child(ren) away but is it fair to expect them to carry the financial burden? It’s possible it’s much more than financial, too. Being the caregiver means shouldering some of the emotional support. It’s being the person who shoulders the problems. In some ways we will do that forever as parents. Our worries don’t end just because a child has grown up and moved out. But there is a difference between the concern of an adult on their own and one who has come back home to ease their own stresses.

You may think I sound selfish. I guess you wouldn’t be wrong. I love my son more than anything in this world. I did my best to teach him how to be a functioning and contributing member of the world. I believe that’s part of my duty as a parent. I owed him love, shelter, food, discipline, and support. How long do I owe that debt? Even asking the question makes me feel a little guilty. Some of that list he’ll have forever. Love and support will always be there, as long as I’m alive.

At this stage of my life, I’m looking toward my retirement and have a very real concern about having enough money to live. When I think about that and how many people I’ve heard of with children moving back home, I honestly wonder how they do it. Since I’m not party to those discussions and resulting decisions I don’t know if there is an agreement to pay rent and provide food. Perhaps there is and maybe it even helps out the household. But there’s more than just the money. There’s the emotional toll it can take on a person. I want to enjoy the time I have with my son. I certainly hope and pray he doesn’t find himself in a situation where there’s no other choice but to return home. And of course, he’ll always have it, if needed. I would never turn him away but I’m not planning for it. If something like that happened, it would be one of those situations that we would make work.

When it comes to what he will get after I’m gone, it will be everything. If I’d had more than one child it would be split between them. It’s very straightforward to me. However, I believe it’s up to each person how and what they decide to leave behind. I’ve worked hard to get to the point where I don’t have to sit up at night and worry about bills. I’m far from rich but I’m hoping that my retirement years will be covered by my pension and the planning and saving I’ve done. My biggest concern is that I’m not a burden to my son. I don’t want him to have to figure out how to take care of me in my old age, if I’m blessed to have an old age. I’m also not saving up for his inheritance. I’ve put insurance in place and am actively working to ensure he won’t face a mess after my passing. I think that’s far more important than anything else.

I know of people who are saving up for their children’s inheritance. Maybe it seems selfish that I won’t do that. I think taking care of myself and making sure I celebrate the life I’ve been given is so important. That’s the legacy I want to leave to my child. Independence, self-sufficiency, how to live through the good and bad, having the skills to face life head-on are all key to being positive participants in the world. Those are what I think are essential to pass on. Of course it would be great to have so much money that it leaves my son with options. But I think a life well lived is the most important thing I can show my son. That is something he will take on his own journey. It’s way more vital than a sum of money, in my opinion.

There’s another scenario as we get older. I mentioned the relationship in The Book Club between one of the women and her daughters. Being a caregiver for aging parents is a reality for many people. But I think making the effort to be prepared for that is critical. Lately there have been commercials reminding people that caregivers need to take care of themselves as well as others. As I get older, I recognize that I may face that challenge, as well. I did the best I could with my dad as he reached the end and do not feel that I let him down. And now, I’m aware of how blessed and grateful I am to still have time with my mom. If she needs me, I’m there. It’s that simple. At this time in life, I feel I’m in an interesting place. I have an adult son and a senior mom. I’m in between – still working, still dreaming, still living. And so are they.

Now, to get me back to my original topic, I mentioned earlier duty and burden. At the heart of it is love. Is it really duty and burden if it comes from love? While I don’t think so, I do think that even coming from love it can become duty and burden if the responsibility is too much. At what point do you have the freedom to live your life? And honestly, will you be able to live that life with happiness if you’ve let someone down? I know I would have a hard time. Duty doesn’t have to be negative, although the word burden certainly has negative connotations. I just want to do what’s right for the people I love.

So, there you have it. Nothing neat and tidy about the topic. Definitely something that weighs on my mind. What have I learned? Well, money often makes things messy. I’ve seen it firsthand and have no desire to repeat that ugliness in my own life. It’s just not worth it. On the other hand, I’ve worked hard for what I have. I believe it’s okay to allow myself to enjoy what I’ve created. I share where and when I can and don’t hoard. I think what I’ve taught my son is that “making it” is about more than money – it’s about being healthy in mind and body, it’s about putting the effort in, it’s about giving where you can, and it’s about not letting something like money tear family apart. I’ve taught him there’s much more to life than what’s in your bank account. It’s about being a leader, about making the world better, and about being accountable for your actions.  

The top, right and left hand pictures are the prep work I did for the walls and ceiling. The bottom picture is after painting the ceiling. In the middle is the start of the wall painting. This is one of the ways I’m preparing for retirement - getting all the work done to make the house my home. I don’t want that hanging over my head. My hope is that, wherever I’m living at the end of my life, the majority of work will be done so that my son doesn’t have a ton of work to do in order to sell the house. There’s so much else you have to deal with when your loved one passes away and I want to clean up as much as I can.