Bad Week…

I’ve had a number of people talk to me about my blogs. Either there was something that I wrote about that spoke to them, or they learned something, or it gave them a different perspective on a topic. Most of those people don’t “like” or comment on it. They speak to me or message me privately. I’m going to admit that it makes me feel really good to know that something I am doing is reaching someone. And honestly, when someone tells me they like the way I write or that I’m very good at it, or that I should publish a book, it feeds the ego within me that wants to be great at something.

Why am I telling you this? Well, I’m trying to build a foundation for this week’s blog. I’m writing this, without a particular focus, because last week was a terrible week. I have a goal that if something goes wrong at the beginning of the day, I don’t let it taint the whole day. The same for the start of a week or month or year. Last week I struggled and did not achieve that goal. There were some great moments during the week, and I let them be overshadowed by the negative. I'm writing this blog for the people who tell me they appreciate what I share. I’m writing this to show the craziness that can happen inside my head. I don’t know if there are a lot of people who experience this. Sometimes my negative voice is too loud, and I get dragged down by it and I have a feeling I’m not alone in that.

So, this blog might end up seeming disjointed without a flow. Hopefully, though, it makes sense. I’m going to share what went on in my head and the lessons I’ve learned from it. First off, all over social media and self-help books is the message that we are responsible for our happiness. That it all rests in our hands. For me, that’s kind of hokey. Sure, it sounds good, and I take full responsibility for everything that I am involved in. When something fails, I consider myself accountable for not only the failure but also the lessons to be learned from it. I have no problem with that. But to imply that somehow I can be happy as long as my mind let’s me? Hmm. Sorry, I have a harder time with that. Let me take you back through my week and maybe you’ll see it from my view. Or maybe you won’t. In fact, maybe after I’m done writing this, I’ll have changed my own mind.

Early in my week I ran into some issues at work. Outside of work I had another riding lesson, and wish I was developing faster and better. So, that was Monday. It was a very difficult day of trying to get a team what they wanted to progress successfully and knowing that it wasn’t going well. Nothing is ever perfect. It’s part of being human but I try to make my contributions as close to perfect as possible. I find my brain starts churning over what I could do differently or how I could please that person or how I should have been better. Overlying all that, Monday held a question mark. My previous week had ended in an unexpectedly wonderful fashion and there was a slight chance that an opportunity was on my horizon. Knowing that I would be finding out sometime during the week, gave a sense of hope to each moment, although I wasn’t smart enough to hang on tight to that feeling.

Tuesday was again focussed completely on one team and the work involved in improving and achieving our goals. Again, not a great day as I became aware that I was about to carry the difficulties on my shoulders alone. It’s not something that hasn’t happened before, but this time felt different. It felt like I was being held accountable for something that has a lot more players than just me. And the boom was lowered (slightly, but still…) on Wednesday morning. I have to say that it was an uncomfortable and awkward feeling to know for sure there was a bus parked on me.

I’m going to step away from my personal dialogue right now and share a few other things. I have a friend going through a time that is stressful, difficult, and potentially life changing. It’s something that could pay off in huge dividends for her life but the barriers that have to be jumped first are exhausting. In the midst of those trials is a voice from the outside telling her she isn’t good enough. The reason I bring it up is far too often that exterior voice is augmented by our interior voice. We can start believing what someone else is saying. My mom loves bridge. I’ve heard her talk about the “masters” of the game and how sometimes, a “master” playing can be so demeaning to the other players at the table that those players start doubting their own abilities. We can give too much credence to others when they are busy putting us down. And I know that sometimes I have to be careful to not allow my own negative experiences to spill out in my interactions with others. It’s not right to turn someone into a proverbial “punching bag” just because of our own suffering.

So, back to my own story. I got through half of the week and only had two days to survive. I couldn’t wait because a long weekend was on the horizon. I needed that time to relax, refresh, and find some energy. Thursday had a brilliant hour, and I was so pleasantly surprised by the interaction. It gave me strength to finish the day and a feeling of hope going forward. Although still very concerned about the bus, I was able to enjoy the excitement brought about by that one hour. Additionally, I had reached out to two people whom I respect and trust for advice. Good, positive vibes. And near the end of the day I got the news about the opportunity that is not to be. Honestly, it would have been a bigger shock if it had worked out. I am incredible proud that I made it as far as I did. I am not down about it, at all.

Friday was back in the mud and frustrating to say the least. It was interesting because around 2pm my computer decided it was done. Strangest thing I’ve ever seen. It disconnected me from work and said no more. LOL! How awesome is it to be forced into an early long weekend?! It is, if you don’t carry the stink of the week with you.

So, I’ve told you my story of last week. I’m not sharing to garner sympathy. Not at all. I’m sharing because of the number of people who have reached out since I started writing the blogs. I’m sharing because those people have said to me how much it’s meant to them to know there is someone else in the world that is going through something similar to their own lives. Sometimes it’s knowing that someone else is celebrating the small wins that helps. I had a bad week. So many people do. It’s what you do about it that is important. I didn’t do the right thing. And maybe it helps others to know that sometimes we don’t do the “right” thing.

I have spent my long weekend with the negative voice inside my head. I have let the exterior and interior voices gang up and ruin what should have been a lovely break. I let them drag me down and wasted this time.

It’s mid-morning on the last day of our long weekend. I have an opportunity to make up for some of my self-imposed misery. I’ve learned a few lessons while I’ve been rattling around inside my mind. I gave that exterior voice a lot of power this weekend. I let that voice have control over how I spent my break. What a waste of time and energy. I didn’t accomplish as much as I could have if I’d just let go. I still have the rest of today and tonight. It’s up to me to push those thoughts aside and enjoy the gift of today. Maybe happiness is mine for the taking. Maybe more poignantly, it’s mine to destroy.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I didn’t sit in my house and feel sorry for myself all weekend. In fact, I got the rest of my lilac hedge planted which will bring me great joy. While on my knees getting the ground ready, the bushes I planted last year were enveloping me with that scent that I love. I went out in the pouring rain to check out our annual picnic party (held inside because of the rain). I even got my kitchen porch all set up for summertime and spent some time in the warmer weather of yesterday enjoying my book and a cup of tea.

Other lessons I’ve learned? My head can bring me happiness or depression. Sometimes I have to fight to make it positive. Some days I have to fight harder than others. I’m a long way from figuring out my place in this world. What all this made me realize this weekend is that I’m getting a clearer picture of what I want my future to be. I thought I wanted to be someone who leaves a legacy. Now, I’m starting to accept that any legacy I leave won’t be on a large scale. Maybe it’s like Margaret Mead said, “I must admit that I personally measure success in terms of the contributions an individual makes to her or his fellow human beings.” If one person reads this and knows they aren’t alone, I’ve contributed.

Each year I have to pump off the excess water from the winter tarp. The more I can get off, the easier it is to remove the tarp. This year my neighbour did a bunch of the work while I was away. How lucky am I!! Top picture is the current state after another hour of pumping water. Bottom picture is some of the wet leaves I’m pulling off with rake and shovel. Hopefully, I’ll be able to get the tarp off in the next day or so and start the opening process!

Views of my lilac hedge. The middle picture are the three lilacs I planted at the end of last season. They are already blooming and smell amazing! I added three more this weekend and think the hedge is going to be lovely!