Alone…

How often do you feel alone? Quite honestly, it wasn’t something that stood out for me in my younger years. [Maybe I was just too busy trying to keep it all together!] Recently my mother was excitedly telling me about her bridge afternoon. It sounded like it was really a great time. Then she said how much she missed my stepdad. Before he passed away he would be waiting at home to hear all about her afternoons at bridge. She missed sharing it with him. Now, my immediate reaction was, “What am I? Chopped liver?”. After all, she was sharing with me over the phone. But, I wasn’t there to have an in-person description of the hands she played and the bids she made. [I don’t know bridge very well, so I probably didn’t have many intelligent responses.] Of course she missed him. That was one of those things that they did together. It’s been a number of years since he died but she still notices his absence in the house and in her life. She is alone in her house, making all the decisions on her own.

A few weeks ago, we endured an ice storm. As I wrote before, the feeling of panic was lessened when my neighbour was there helping me. I also felt a physical easing of tension when the responding firefighters told me I was not the only one going through flooding. It made a difference that I wasn’t alone in it. A few weeks later and I dealt with flooding once again. Our rivers are high, and we had multiple days of heavy rainfall. I know I am one of the lucky ones. I didn’t lose items in this flood. I didn’t have to sandbag my property. And unlike during the ice storm, I didn’t need the help of our local firefighters. This last time, though, I felt dreadfully alone. Alone with the weight of the water. Alone with nighttime panic – would it end up overwhelming my sump pumps again? Alone with how it looked from the outside. I created my own stream along the road as the water emptied out. Now, I have amazing neighbours, as I’ve said many times. I can call on them anytime and I know it. But I am stubbornly intent on doing things for myself and I have a difficult time asking for help. Don’t get me wrong – I am much improved in this. At the end of the day, though, it’s up to me to plan improvements so that the chance of this happening next year is lessened. At the end of the day, I am the one paying the bills for those improvements. At the end of the day, I’m the one getting up in the middle of the night and traipsing downstairs to check on the situation. At the end of the day, I am alone with my panic.

There’s a country song I heard recently by Kenny Chesney, called, “There Goes My Life”. It’s about a boy and girl who have an unexpected pregnancy and how their lives change. It’s from the perspective of the boy. It’s another example of being alone. Even though both people are going through it, he is alone with his fear. He is alone with the weight of caring for this family that was unplanned. It made me think about how often we encounter moments in our lives that make us feel alone. We can be surrounded by people and still it doesn’t seem like we’re experiencing it together. Perhaps it’s something like an unexpected pregnancy. A woman is going to experience it completely different than a man because it’s her body going through the changes. No matter how much you plan and talk and figure it out together, there are moments of “aloneness”. For both sides of that coin.

What about family dynamics? I remember years ago telling my mom about how a friend’s family always did dinner together. I can’t remember if it was weekly or monthly, but it was a big event and hosting duties travelled among the family members. After a new marriage it seemed like the dynamics of the family had changed. A new wife of one of the third generation wasn’t interested in this regular event. Years later I am wondering if she felt alone among the family. Everyone else was an established member and here she was, new to the environment, the players, the side conversations, and private jokes. Perhaps it was less that she didn’t embrace the tradition and more about how she felt when she was within the environment.

I travelled back to the city where I raised my son. We were attending a wedding of a member of our “second” family. My son grew up in that family. I consider those kids my extended children. My friend, their mom, was like a sister to me. I moved away more than six years ago. Now I’m an outsider. As I sat in the house I knew so well on the night before the wedding I felt alone. Those people were “my” people for so long. Grandma and Grandpa were like grandparents to my son. Those “kids” were his siblings in a manner of speaking. I would never have felt alone in the past. But life continues and we move and change and sitting there, surrounded by the people who were my family for all those years I was now removed. I was alone.

The next day at the wedding I realized I was wrong. I wasn’t an outsider. I wasn’t alone. But I was removed. I hadn’t been there through the wedding planning or the build-up of excitement. My son and I were there for the most important part. The sharing of love and family. It’s no different than when I lived three time zones away from my parents. It didn’t make me alone from them or outside of our family. It just changes the experience. We have excellent technology that helps keep us together and as long as we make the effort, we don’t have to be alone.

Flying back home after the wedding I was standing in a very long line at my connecting airport waiting to board. The flight was packed. There were tons of families, friends, and couples travelling together. I stood in line alone and looked around at the different dynamics that were playing themselves out as we were quite late leaving. The crying child with the parents working together to provide a distraction to stop the tears. The friends in front of me, travelling for work and talking about the different meetings they’d been in. The older couple behind me who were having a hard time hearing and understanding the announcements. It seemed like everyone had someone. They were not standing there alone, like I was. And then my phone buzzed. It was my son texting me that he was heading to the airport to return our rental car (we were flying out at very different times). Even though I was in a lineup by myself, I was still connected.

There are so many times when we might feel alone and I find that mine relate to worry. If I’m worried about something or someone, I carry that weight all by myself. I think that’s the worse part of being alone. Not having someone to “bounce” those worries off. Not having someone to pull you back from the fear and remind you that there is more to “it” than what you’re focusing on. I’ve found lately that my worries have been tending toward panic a little too often. I’ve decided that the best thing for me is to get outside of my head. Where am I most alone? Inside my own head! So, now I try to go for a walk or pick up my book or turn up the music. Actually, even sitting down and working on my blog helps to take me away from the isolation of worry.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned from writing this blog is that I’m not truly alone. Even when I am physically alone, I am connected. I have the most amazing family and friends who are always there for me. This past Friday I had an incredible, exciting experience. And what did I want to do immediately after? I wanted to share with those who are closest to me! I couldn’t call everyone, but I did tell a few. Why? Because as much as I might be more comfortable on my own, I am not an island. I need people in my life to share the good and the bad. I need people to help me up when I fall and remind me of the good times when the skies are gray. I need people to be honest when I am making a mistake or acting foolishly. I need people to love and who love me.

There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. I can be lonely in a crowd if it’s the wrong situation for me. But I can be alone in a crowd at a football game and never be lonely because I’m surrounded with people all cheering for the same thing. It’s about feeling and being connected. I have all the best connections with family and friends whom I adore.

The left side are before pictures with after pictures on the right. I feel late this year getting to the Spring clean up. This is the first pass and thankfully, with a long weekend coming up, I’ll be able to put more time in getting it the way I like.

Not much for pictures this time. More to come!