Survivor…
I came across the word survivor this week and I really wanted to use it as a blog topic. The problem is I wanted to write a Mother’s Day blog. The more I let it fester, the more I realized that this is exactly what mothers are. We are survivors. But first, a disclaimer. None of what I write is about those few (I believe, I hope, it’s few) mothers who are abusive. None of this is about those who are unable to accept their children or give them the tools that they need to be productive members of our world. This blog is about the mothers that I know and the one that is my own. It’s about the mothers (and forgive me but I have used the female pronouns throughout for my own ease as all those mothers to whom I refer happen to be women) who find a way to give their children solid foundations.
No mother is perfect. I myself, am far from it. They give what they have, they make mistakes and learn from them, and they love. I’m not sure that all you need is love but it’s definitely the cornerstone. Mothers show that love in so many ways. Sometimes it’s by not being their child’s friend. Sometimes those boundaries that protect as well as teach are the greatest show of love. Sometimes, it’s shown by being friends - the fun and excitement of doing something together. There are so many ways that mothers show love that it would take up my whole blog and honestly, that’s not exactly what I want as my focus. I have numerous friends who are mothers and am blessed to have my mom nearby. This blog is for them, for all they go through, all they give back, all they do for their children, regardless of age. It doesn’t matter how old I get, my mom is still my mom. Yes, we can engage in activities as friends but at the base of it, she’s my cornerstone.
For all those mothers who carry a child, at the end of those long days, weeks, and months you have survived. Most have been through nine months of invasion. This baby who starts as small as a seed, attaches itself and gets all of its nourishment from the mother. There are plenty of comedy routines about this little alien who is taking from you. I’m not a comedian so I won’t even try but the comedy has a ring of truth. Women who are pregnant go through massive changes over the course of a pregnancy. There’s the change in body shape, emotions are haywire, your inner temperature changes overnight, and then there’s the food. Suddenly you crave foods or maybe it’s the opposite and just the look of something makes you sick. For me, it was shrimp. I could not stand the sight or smell of it. I still remember the feeling. Ugh! There could be other smells that are now stronger and bother you in ways that never happened before. And let me tell you that nine months doesn’t sound very long but forty weeks sounds and feels like it will never end! When my doctor said forty weeks (not nine months) I looked at him and asked why we’d been lied to. LOL Somehow it seemed much longer than nine months.
And then the birth. Now, I have no intention of reliving my son’s birth through this blog but I will say it was the hardest thing I have ever done. And I think there’s a need for that. I don’t understand it completely but that baby that you have carried and that has relied on you for everything now needs to make its way to the world at large and learn to be a person. It should be eventful. There should be an importance to this work, of bringing someone into the world. It’s physical and wonderful and heartbreaking in a manner. This little person has been yours and yours alone for so long and now you have to share. My heartbreak was barely a second long but I recognized that he was no longer only mine. Over that time together we grow so attached and not just physically. Suddenly he was there and became the centrepiece of not just my life but his father’s as well. And before you know it, he was the reason we made choices and did things, as a family. Well, that’s a little of my own story.
There are those mothers who do not carry a child themselves but bring one into their homes and love and care for them. They are just as strong, if not stronger in their love and their fierceness for that child. There’s a beauty to unconditional love that I think might be even brighter when the child is adopted or fostered. It’s special and a gift to both the mother and the child.
And what about those people who decide they don’t want to have children? Are those women not mothers of a sort? Perhaps their children are the neighbourhood kids that know they have a safe place, if needed. Maybe they’ve chosen to have pets instead of children. While I can’t say I understand a pet as a replacement for a child, I can say pets are definitely family members and need loving and caring, too.
Why do I call mothers survivors?
Mothers deal with the illnesses, the tantrums, and the battles, etc. They spend sleepless nights when their little ones are suffering some hurt or illness. The worry is always part of their lives, even when the child is grown. They are confronted by the anger and nastiness that seems to be a part of growing and finding your way. Mothers bear a lot through the years. I know I am often treated like I don’t know anything. My goodness, after all these years you would hope I’ve learned something! LOL I know it’s a child’s way of discovering the world, themself, and their place in it. It can be painful but moms get through it, somehow!
They watch their children grow and learn and make mistakes and fall and stand and run. Mothers are there to pick up the pieces and put smiles back onto sad faces. They are there to make sure children laugh again and go right back out into the scary world when they’ve fallen. Mothers are a foundation. They provide safety so that children, teenagers and young adults (sometimes older adults, too) can feel confident putting themselves out there again.
Sometimes the joy is so intense it’s all consuming. Mothers survive that too, because it’s not always going to stay with them. The excitement of accomplishment, of moving on to new adventures, of trying something and succeeding are felt by moms. I think it can be hard when life continues and those feelings subside or lessen and other feelings come your way. It’s a natural part of the flow of life.
While we often say it shouldn’t happen, sometimes it does and a mom loses a child, whether to illness or accident. Parents shouldn’t outlive children, we say, and yet it happens. Those mothers are survivors. I believe the best way to honour someone we love when they leave us behind is to continue living. I don’t know how mothers do it, but they carry on. They give their love to other children, to the world, to whomever needs it while grieving their own loss. Going forward is surviving.
And love. I’ve never known love that strong. Every mother I know agrees; there is no love like a mother’s love. A mother’s love is unconditional and yet she is the first to put you in your place when you mess up! I was with a friend between meetings last week when she received a call. She didn’t even have to say anything. I knew from the look on her face (mom mode, I call it) that it was her youngest and he was not getting her message. I can smile and chuckle because, thankfully, I’m past that particular age. Phew! I know though, that if anyone did something bad to her boy she would be his fiercest champion. That’s a mother’s love. It’s the strongest emotion and mothers survive it. We have to in order to carry on with our regular lives.
Mothers of all kinds are celebrated today. I consider myself blessed to have the best one out there. She has given me so much - love, structure, foundation, support, encouragement and love.
A Mother’s Day gift from my adorable niece. She’s a perfect addition to my kitchen!
I have a number of these rugs around my house. I think they suit the style and charm of the house. This is my newest which is perfect for my kitchen.
A gift to myself for the yard - a gorgeous birdbath. I think it’s a great colour and I’m trying it out in a location that will let me see the birds enjoying it.