Kindness…

I didn’t write a blog last weekend because my sister was moving and I spent the weekend at my mom’s helping out. Contemplating my choices for a blog this week, I did consider writing about how family and friends make the burdens lighter. Here it is Sunday morning and I am celebrating a very productive weekend. I got so much done outside yesterday and at 10 am today I’m already halfway through my inside to-do list. Basically, I’m patting myself on the back. So, I could write a blog about that feeling of accomplishment - how better the world looks, how much easier it will be to face Monday morning’s return to work, and how your overall attitude can be impacted by a weekend such as this. I’m not. I’ve debated internally since Friday. I was planning a blog about kindness and as I wrote above, I started to have second thoughts. Maybe because of my feeling of accomplishment, maybe because of my developing inner peace, or maybe it’s just the day I’m having, but I’ve decided to keep with my original plan.

I have a friend who underwent two years of training for her newest job. Two years of bad behaviour by trainers. Two years of an elitist culture. Two years of beating up (not physically) on trainees. Sounds a little military, doesn’t it? I’m picturing Jack Nicholson in a courtroom right now. Maybe my friend would say it’s worth it in the end because people outside of her profession can’t possibly understand and digest her job. Maybe. Maybe it’s a holdover from the days of old boys’ clubs. Maybe it’s just bad behaviour that was allowed to continue and has become so ingrained that no one can see a way out. I have another friend who did train in the military and some of her stories are so shocking it’s almost impossible to believe she wasn’t exaggerating.

I watched two different television programs this week. One was about a hockey team making the playoffs (fiction, not real life) and how they hazed their rookie players. Now, let me be clear. These were players who had been part of the team all season, so we’re not talking brand new people showing up. And, don’t misunderstand me I do not support hazing of any sort but I tend to equate it with someone newly entering a group - not the case here. The intent behind the hazing was to toughen up the rookies so that they could win in the playoffs. They just weren’t playing hard enough or taking enough hits or coming up strong “enough”.

The other program I watched was about a man, a son, who was held in disdain by his father. The son was confronted with an employee who broke the rules but whom he gave a second chance because the man was a single father and under duress of having a special needs child. The father felt this action showed his son was unable to succeed in the corporate world. Those niceties weren’t acceptable in his world of winning. The irony was the father was given a humanitarian award. I guess giving money is better than being human?

Here are three instances where I saw a world that hasn’t changed much since my childhood. When I was growing up I knew that for me to make it in anything considered a “man’s world”, I had to be smarter, work harder and present tougher than my male counterparts. I knew it was never going to be easy but that ultimately it would be worth it. That came from my parents. They never said step back, step down, only be a woman. They always said go for it.

It’s 2024 and while I see advancements in equality for women, the idea that kindness is a weakness has not changed very much. We have speakers like Brene Brown, Simon Sinek and more telling us that compassion is key to good leadership. We are more aware of emotional intelligence and how it can improve our relationships and job performance. We are told that in a world where you can be anything, be kind. We also have a world characterized by blaming people whether that’s by group or individual for our woes. We have a world based on immediate gratification. We have a world based on “me”. How do we achieve kindness and compassion in our world if we don’t look beyond ourselves?

I think those at the top of corporate ladders might argue that you have to be tough to be effective; that you have to put personal feelings aside to achieve success for your organizations; that everyone has to pull their weight in order to move forward. I’m not suggesting that it doesn’t matter how hard people work or how resilient your company is when it comes to the bottom line. I am suggesting, though, that we don’t see the correlation between that bottom line and the health of the people. I think we have to find a way to build strengths and that we can do it by listening to each other, by understanding needs and desires, and by lifting each other up to do our best work.

What you can find in corporations is probably similar to what you might find in elite athletic teams. The one television show that I watched about the hockey players is, I expect, less rare than we want to believe. There have been numerous news stories and tell-all books as well as fictional shows depicting similar behaviour and treatment. It seems to be based in this belief that the only way we can toughen up our players is by pounding on them. Playing through the pain, rising above the worse are honoured. Those who can’t take it are weak. Those who stand up for them are worse. Kindness is condemned.

Across social media I am being bombarded daily with memes and quotes about being kind, thinking of others, lending a hand, being compassionate and understanding the struggles that people face. And yet, it’s as though we should support their weaknesses. It’s as though, our kindness is lightweight. Don’t show it in certain situations - the higher you get anywhere (sports, corporate, government, etc.), the less kindness is embraced. Sometimes, you just have to be tough or have a backbone to get through and make it to the top.

So, what do we do? Well, I can’t tell you what to do but I can think about what I can do. Maybe instead of immediately jumping to judgement, I can take ten seconds and reflect. Maybe instead of dismissing someone’s struggle, I can recognize that it’s courageous to share that struggle with someone and be grateful that I’ve been trusted. Maybe I can realize that my own challenges are worthy of the kindness shown me by my friends and that their strength in compassion keep me going. Maybe by doing any of those things, I’ll pass my strength to someone else.

I believe in speaking up for others, even when it puts a bullseye on my back. I believe that we all have challenges in our lives and acting like we don’t doesn’t strengthen us; those challenges pick away at us and erode our resilience. I believe by helping each other, even those in “high places” we show true leadership. Do you want to be part of a team that beats down a member? Do you want to belong to an organization that dismisses kindness in favour of toughness? Do you want to be a parent who pushes their child to succeed above all else? The older I get, the more I realize that we create our own comfort and I’d rather be kind than tough.

Because I’ve been missing him lately and because he enjoyed this time of year, I’m sharing a picture of my pup from our first spring in the house.

I’ve never been much of a critter or bird watcher but this property seems to have a lot of “neighbours”. Spring means they’re all showing up!

I got a lot of yard work done yesterday. With the rain we’re receiving today everything has become a brilliant green!

Things can change! The picture on the left shows the tree I had to take down for the pool (far left) and the two trees that were bent because of that tree. On the right you can see that the two trees that were bent are now straighter. I didn’t do anything other than remove the big tree. Without its presence, they are now able to reach for the sun, straight up!