Success…
The definition of success (from the Merriam-Webster online dictionary) is: “the fact of getting or achieving wealth, respect, or fame”. The online dictionary calls this the “essential meaning” which I take as the basic or fundamental meaning. As with most words, it isn’t the only definition, it is the first definition. It’s interesting that each part of the definition, wealth, respect, and fame, relate to how someone else defines you. Someone in a lower paying career might see me as wealthy and I might see someone who is a CEO as wealthy. Respect, while possible to achieve on a personal basis, self-respect, is most often quantified by how others see you and react to you. It can be very difficult to achieve positive responses from people, whether at work, in your family, or in your community without some level of respect for who you are and what you bring to the table. Fame, again, is about how you are viewed by others. If you are not noticed, passed by, not widely known then you are probably not famous.
I like looking at the obituary page in our newspaper. Before you start thinking I’m morbid, let me explain. I don’t read it to find out about death, I read it because I’m interested in the person and how they are portrayed by the ones they leave behind. I also don’t read it consistently but when I do, I find the adjectives used to describe the person make me want to be better. I remember reading an obituary a few years ago that described the woman as successful in all areas of her life. Since that was at the very beginning, I was intrigued and read on. She had three daughters, a number of grandchildren and great-grandchildren. She was active in her church and did her best to live a life worthy of that (something that really stuck with me). It talked about the love of her life, her husband, who had passed away before her and all the traveling and adventures they had lived together. It went on to say, that while heartbroken at his passing, she did not disengage with life, but lived it fully so that when she joined him, she could honestly say she enjoyed God’s gift of life to the fullest. (This impressed me so much. I often hear stories of the people left behind just giving up and I think how sad it is.) The obituary went on to describe some of the most valuable lessons she had taught and shared with her daughters and grandchildren. The last few lines talked about her career. I can’t remember exactly what she did, but she was a trailbreaker – very high up in an organization that was traditionally male dominant. My first and short-lived thought was, wow, why not lead with that. Obviously, she had been a woman who helped break barriers for other women, her own daughters included. While I can’t remember exactly what firm or what job it was (I feel like it was diplomatic or law based but I’m not positive), I do remember thinking they weren’t struggling on the money front. And then it hit me. That’s not what made her a success, although by definition, she had definitely hit it with wealth, respect, and a level of fame. It was all the other – her love of God, her love of her husband and the incredible times they shared, her family and what she gave to them, even though from the description of her life she must have been incredibly busy, her engagement in her community, and the good deeds through her charitable work (of which there was lots). This woman had wealth, respect, and fame, as per the definition. She was a success for far more than that and her daughters, in the writing of the obituary made it perfectly clear for all to see.
Obviously, I admired the woman I read about. I wouldn’t remember an obituary from all those years ago if I did not. I didn’t know her and didn’t meet her while she was on this earth. I don’t remember her name or even what she did for a career or how long she spent in it. I remember how the family she left behind saw her and loved her. In that way, she made an impact even on a stranger.
In my every day life, I still find myself struggling with my own definition of success. I truly expected to be a success, certainly by this time in my life. I can honestly say that I don’t feel I’ve achieved what I wanted and expected. This blog is to help me break it down and see it differently. I’ve said before that I started the blog to help me transition into my next phase of life, retirement. Even that word can be difficult to define and definitely not for today. The reason I mention the next phase of life is because I’m not sure how I feel about it, without achieving success in my career first.
When I look around me at the people I consider to be successful, it’s interesting how often my definition of success for someone else is different than what I impose on myself. I’m not sure why I view myself in such a different lens. Those people I consider successful have full lives, well beyond their careers. They are loving and loved. They are active and engaged in their communities. They are happy. It makes me wonder why the word success should be defined by the eyes of others.
Why does it matter what someone else thinks of me? To be honest, this has always been important to me: how I am perceived, how I sound and look. In a meeting last week, I realized that I had missed changing a number in my presentation. I said, oops, sorry, missed that! One person’s reaction to that, shared with me later was, oh, she’s apologizing again. No, I wasn’t. It was an acknowledgement that the two numbers did not add up to what was on the screen. I don’t believe in pretending that I don’t make mistakes. In fact, I believe that making mistakes is essential. We will always learn far more from the things we get wrong than we will from getting it right. Why is that so hard for some organizational cultures? Why is it considered a weakness? When I contemplate success in this organization, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to achieve it because of viewpoints such as that. So, why am I torturing myself?
If I don’t retire at the “level” I planned to achieve, does that somehow make me a failure? In considering the next phase of life, maybe it’s more important to not think of success at all. Maybe it’s about the life, my whole life. Career is only supposed to be one part of that, and it generally doesn’t fill all of someone’s time on earth.
Maybe my goal, instead of this complex notion of success, should be contentment and happiness. Maybe I need to spend some of this year’s reset on redefining my approach to contentment. I have an incredible son, who is everything to me. He’s smart, engaged with the world, loves to learn and travel, and has so much drive to achieve his own goals. He is someone I am proud of and whom I helped shape. His independence is from me and is one of the best things I’ve passed down. I am so happy in the knowledge that we have a very strong relationship based on love and respect for each other. We don’t always agree, and that is one of the healthiest things in our relationship. If I was to look at only this one dimension of my life, I can unequivocally say, I’ve succeeded.
In preparing for my next adventure, I’m going to spend this year focusing beyond the now. I’m not done with the now, just yet, but it’s time to stop worrying that I’ll retire without that crazy word, success. I’ve got some amazing friends who continue to prop me up when I’m down and I think it’s time to pull myself up. I couldn’t do it without having had their support for so long. It’s time to leave behind the desire to improve environments that don’t want to change. It’s time to put myself in the driver’s seat again. To stop regretting choices that I made and, while maybe not celebrating (not quite there) at least accepting where they have brought me. Not every choice we make is ideal. While I believe there is a reason for everything, perhaps I’m wrong in thinking it’s because something better is going to be in my path. Maybe it’s just that a lesson is available and it’s my decision whether I’m interested in learning or not.
So, success? I’m not going to eliminate the word from my vocabulary. I’m going to redefine it for me. I’m going to choose to learn from the last 20+ years and find my way forward. I’m going to stop caring what people who do not share my values think of me. I have always been able to say that I remain true to myself. I guess if I don’t fit perfectly where I am right now, remaining true to my core values will guide me as I choose the next fork in the road.
A couple of coasters I use in my kitchen. Reminders to be true to myself.
A Christmas gift from a few years ago from my adorable niece. One-winged angels, in all their imperfection, are beautiful.
The beauty of nature in wintertime. #tinrooficicles
Eating dinner with my boy in my gorgeous kitchen - house success!