Life reminder…
I had a budget blog all planned for today. Recent events have made me rethink that blog and write this one instead.
Three weeks ago, my uncle was taken into hospital by ambulance and then transferred to a city hospital that same night. I’m of an age that is seeing my parents’ generation face these times and it shouldn’t be a big surprise. Knowing this does not change the impact it has on me. I have been “dealing” with it for a few years now. My father passed away six years ago this past week. He wasn’t the first of his family as we have said goodbye to his sister and brother before him. We’ve also seen the passing of my nephew (far too young!) and my mom’s sister. The reality is death is a constant in life. My dad always told me that the date of our death is determined by God at our birth. Perhaps the way in which we die could change? He never mentioned that. My parents taught us that what we did with this life on earth is up to us and we should show our appreciation for such a precious gift.
Okay, philosophical discussion aside, I want to share some of my thoughts, some things that have been happening, and how I want to proceed with those events in mind. With my uncle’s time in hospital, I was once again confronted with the possibility of a goodbye. I reached out to my mom and told her she is not allowed to go anywhere for quite awhile. It might sound selfish, in fact, it is a bit selfish. I’m not prepared to see my mom pass. (Nor my uncle.) [I honestly can’t imagine life without them and hope my mom remains healthy and strong for a long time to come. I’ve enjoyed being back and close to my mom and uncle and want to continue enjoying that time.] What all this gives me is a reminder of how short my time on earth is and that I shouldn’t sit back and whine, feel sorry for myself, and do nothing.
I’ve been using this blog as a way to consider the path to follow after retirement and determine what interests me. I think I’m missing something at least as important. It’s the current path. If I only live life for the future, I’m going to miss making the most of my life right now. I can’t always be trying to get to some perfect place where I’ll finally be happy. I have to find it now. I have to find a way to see the beauty now. Even in the bad days there is something to celebrate.
Yesterday I was texting with an old friend. He’s been retired for almost five years and has been loving it. He went back to school and is knee deep in history. He always loved history and I was so impressed he chose this road in retirement. He loves traveling and going to the places he’s learning about feeds his soul. (A little tougher right now because of COVID. Interestingly, once he feels comfortable about traveling he’s actually going to take a year off of school to figure out his next steps. More education or something new?) He said to me it’s essential to not retire for the sake of retirement. It’s all about enjoying your day, however that might be. Staying engaged in life.
This morning I awakened to a message from a friend’s husband. Last July she let me know that she had been diagnosed with cancer and was taking treatments. [We weren’t as close as we had been. My move away has distanced me from some of the friends who were part of those years when my son was young. I’ve never had an issue with that. I’ve tried to stay in touch in some way. I’ve always believed that we have people in our lives as we need them, and they need us. Sometimes we move on, sometimes we become more casual friends, and sometimes not even that. With this friend, we stayed in touch.] Yesterday she passed away. It hit me really hard. To be honest, I have some amazing memories with this woman. I’ve never met anyone kinder. She was just an amazing person and she’s gone way too soon. She left behind a family who I’m sure are devastated to be without her. I know that what she gave them in love and life’s lessons will stay with them forever. Last summer when she told me about the diagnosis, I noticed that she and her husband did a number of trips with friends and family. They lived to the fullest. She always looked happy in the pictures they shared. She had to be going through a horror that I can’t comprehend and yet, she looked happy and grateful for the time she had with those she loved.
My last few weeks have been centred on stress, disappointment, disillusionment and today, sadness. I’ve had a terrible time pulling myself out from under all the negatives. I’ve had some wonderful joy in those weeks that I’ve not focused on and that’s really sad. I’ve been reminded by Mike and Fran that the important thing is life. It’s not always striving to get the next best thing or owning the newest phone or car. It’s about wringing every last second of happiness out of the now. It’s about appreciating all that I have and all that I can give back. It’s about enjoying the time I have with my family and friends and treasuring them.
So, while I’m going to continue on my quest to determine what I want to do for my next chapter, I’m not going to forget (or I’m going to try not to) what I have currently. I’m going to try to embrace life. [I think it’s important to note that I will try. I’m far from perfect and trying is the best that I can do.] Disappointments will continue to pass through my world and my plan is to put them in their place. They do not have to define me or to drag me down. I guarantee I’m not going to become artificially “sunny”. What I’m pledging to do is acknowledge the negative encounters and move beyond them. I’m going to do my best to learn along the way and live in the moment. I’ve never been one to stay only in the moment so I can’t promise that. I will do my best to find something positive in every situation and to embrace the opportunities to learn. I will not waste this precious gift of life.
The morning after a heavy February snow. On the left is the scene from my bedroom window - how incredible is that for a view first thing in the morning?! On the right is the view from my office window. I don’t have to go very far to be reminded of the beauty of our world.
This is a sweatshirt from my son’s line (Tragic Squad). I appreciate the image as it represents my feelings of the last few months. I’ve felt like I was drowning and because of the support I have, I have not gone under.
An exercise given to me by a good friend when I was too far down. (My thanks to my son for removing the words - they are private and aren’t necessary for this sharing.) She suggested I write on stickies all that I was thinking about. The yellow stickies represent me - my personal concerns of that morning. On the blue are my work thoughts, on the pink, my family thoughts, and the orange held a “wish”. She told me to look at my stickies and remember that I’m doing it on my own and surviving. She is right. (I probably had a couple of other things on my mind that morning but I ran out of stickies!)
An update on my functional attic! The contractor has put in the floor and a sturdy shelf to hold bins so that I can start turning my loft into a livable space! Note the wonderful spray foam insulation - it’s no longer cold up there!
I don’t want to share any pictures of my friend Fran, so I share this and a story. Years ago a group of girlfriends went out to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. I was the designated driver. I clearly remember three things from that night. Driving home after getting a ton of snow and none of our streets being plowed out. My little car managed to get us all home without getting stuck! Some Irish luck, right there! Finding Mel’s lipstick in the backseat the next morning. AND non-stop laughter. We had soooo much fun. I don’t ever remember spending time with Fran that was not filled with light and laughter. RIP, my friend. The world is a little less bright today.