Rejection…

I have a few blog ideas floating around in my head and one that I’m enjoying writing is only half complete. Unfortunately, this past week I’ve been ill with a nasty cold/virus. It’s really knocked me down and as a result, I haven’t accomplished much. I worked all but one day and found myself exhausted at the end of the work days. Instead of pushing through and doing things, I found myself prone a lot of the time watching shows. I watched a show that I hadn’t seen before along with some older ones that I’ve seen many times. What was interesting to me was the number of times I encountered the theme of rejection. The new show was especially based on that. Rejection by parents that put their child/ren in an orphanage environment. How the characters acted and reacted was based in the belief they hadn’t been enough “to keep”. That got me thinking about all the ways that rejection can enter our lives and how I’ve noticed a change in my own reaction. It can be something medical, at the core of our bodies. It can be in the work world in which we spend so much of our time. It can be in a family sense - after all we pick our friends, not our families! And it can be in relationships.Rejection can be everywhere. For instance medically, it can mean the body is refusing an organ transplant or a medication. It does not want what has been introduced. Allergies could be seen as your body’s rejection of a food or substance or environment. I’m allergic to tree nuts and ultimately, my body does not accept those food items. It fights them by reacting to them and causing me harm.

In business if you put together a proposal and it is not positively received, it may feel like a rejection. There may be an opportunity to “do it again” with improvements or a different approach. Or it could be that your vision doesn’t align with the path of your superiors or perhaps your organization. Is it personal? Perhaps not but I would argue that the way in which rejection is offered is key to how a person feels at the end. Good leaders know how to support, encourage and deliver less than positive feedback. I know people who are crushed by the rejection of an idea and I would suggest that the majority of the time it’s the way in which the message was delivered that was the deciding factor.

There are times when we must reject ideas or thoughts in order to maintain our own authenticity. I reject the idea of a “dog eat dog” business world. I could not work in a company that encourages climbing over other people to achieve success. I know I can be a little naive but I prefer to be that person instead of someone who only puts their own desires ahead. I refuse to take credit for work and recommendations that are not mine. I’ve seen it in action and it produces a disillusionment in people who should be valued for their contributions. At the end of the day, business is about money and the people running the business have to make money to continue to be relevant.

Imagine being the people that rejected J.K. Rowling when she was shopping her “magic school”. I have read so often of the number of rejections received by J.K. Rowling when she was submitting her Harry Potter story to publishers. [This is not about her viewpoints or political comments - it’s strictly about her book series and the rejections she received.] After countless rejections, Rowling’s first book was published and became a global sensation. I’ve also heard interviews with well-known musical stars who have commented on their paths to stardom. Long nights playing for a pittance and rooms with barely anyone in the audience. They’ll often say how the rejections piled up until they wondered why they continued. Or how about the long-standing joke of being an actor while the full-time job is waiting tables or tending bar. How many times were some of the biggest names in the business turned down for roles?

The one place everyone’s mind goes to when asked about rejection is romance. It seems to be where the thought of rejection is the most prominent. If I ask someone about a time when they encountered rejection, their minds fly to love. There’s an attack on a person’s ego or heart that can’t be cured with a platitude when they don’t get asked on a second date or they are left after having been involved for awhile. A partner doesn’t want that person in their life. Does it matter why? This is an injury to the heart and I don’t think it’s often that we encounter something that harsh. Of course, I’m talking about situations in which one person rejects another. If it’s a dating situation that doesn’t bring a connection, that’s different. What happens when it “clicks” for one of the people and not for the other? What causes the click? Why is it that one person would feel it and not the other? I think it’s probably a little basic chemistry and a little place in life and a little path in life. I don’t understand pursuing a relationship without the basic chemistry. For me, that’s an easy one. Without that first interest, nothing else is going to happen. As for the place in life, well, sometimes it’s just where you are that determines what happens next. If you want companionship you might be willing to accept a lack of “click”. If you want companionship you may reject the person who is putting in 70 hour work weeks - that isn’t what you want for yourself. And your path in life? Well, where are you headed? If you want babies and a home life then you probably aren’t going to jump into a relationship with someone who wants to spend the next five years travelling the world OR you reject them once you discover that’s their life path. I think rejection can come from difficult questions that you ask yourself. It can be hard to accept, especially when you’re on the receiving end and you didn’t see it coming.

It isn’t often that I’ve encountered rejection in friendships. It seems like most of the time if I meet someone with whom I connect, it’s mutual and we grow into friends. There are a few instances, though, when I look back and recognize that I thought I was close with someone who did not reciprocate. Or, it was a false connection. Years ago I had a friend with whom I thought I had a lot in common. We spent a lot of time together and while she went through a particularly tough time in her life, she leaned on me. Once she was back on her feet it became apparent that our connection was not particularly strong. And you know, that’s okay. It hurt. A lot. A long time has passed now and I don’t actually feel anything negative anymore.

That’s what I was thinking about as I was watching theses shows dealing with rejection. The older I get, the more my reaction has changed. I still take things personally but I’ve found that I don’t carry rejection with me in the same way as in my youth. I got wondering why that is and I’ve come up with a few ideas. I think self-confidence is a strong indicator of how you accept rejection. I’ve never been particularly fond of myself. I always knew I wasn’t the popular kid, the smartest, the prettiest, the strongest, the most sure of herself. Rejection can hit pretty hard when you aren’t accepting of yourself in the first place. I’ve tried to shift from not accepting myself to understanding that we’re all unique and we are all valued. I’m getting there and I’m quite sure that’s part of why I can accept rejection better. I’m also older. I know that seems pretty simplistic but I’ve discovered that with age comes some sense of wisdom. It’s not complete and I have tons to learn. But I think what I’m learning the most with the passing years is me. I’m finding out what makes me tick, what I want, and what I’m willing to live with or without. That’s turning out to be a huge part of dealing with rejection. Knowing that I’m strong enough to keep going helps. A lot. Growing in my faith helps, too. I’ve always enjoyed going to Mass. It gives me a peace that I need. Now, I’m starting (and it’s really just starting) to see that each of us has a purpose. My life is a gift. Someone can reject me and it will never interfere with God’s gift to me. I’ve been given this life to do something, even if I don’t know exactly what that is. It helps.

I think one of the things I learned about myself as I contemplated rejection this past week, is that gratitude is the strongest counter to the negative. We’re all rejected in some way or other over the course of our years. Do we keep going to achieve our dreams as so many people have done or do we just throw up our hands and mope? Rejection is a lot like failure. It’s an opportunity to learn. I think it’s biggest learning is about me. What is it that I need and want and how do I ensure rejection doesn’t knock me out.

Extending my antique desk to hold my new puzzle. The past month has been concentrated on other tasks so I’m thrilled to get back to it.

I haven’t shared many decorating pictures recently. Here’s my kitchen island with a combined Valentine’s and winter flare. I love how the sun is returning and poking its way in!

I’ve brought my uncle’s dining table (I can put the leaf in when having people over) home and given away my lovely formal table. This set up suits the house much better and as much as I loved the other table, I believe the man I gave it to will appreciate having room for his family when they visit.

It always feels so special when the sun returns in February. I love the look of my house hiding behind the winter branches.