Judgement…

Writing the blog about being unwell was particularly difficult for me. I don’t like asking for help and to admit that living each day has become a struggle is especially tough. It’s easy to look at myself and see failure in this experience. Declaring that I’m not coping is hard to do when surrounded at work by high achievers. We are full of type A, high achieving, successful people. Given the industry that we are in, that’s not a surprise. However, it’s essential that I remember I’ve already accomplished a lot and will continue to do so. Facing challenges is how to grow and improve. Some of the people who most impress me are those that have their own challenges and are still so giving and compassionate to others and to themselves. I have friends like that. It doesn’t seem to matter how bad they’re feeling, they always have time for others.

So, I guess the question a reader might have is, where are you going with this? Because of how I’ve been seeing myself lately, I’ve also been thinking about how often I judge others and where that judgement comes from. If I like someone or appreciate their work, am I more likely to be tolerant when they do something wrong or bad? It’s often said and written that people will judge others negatively in order to make themselves feel better. I can honestly say I don’t think that is true for me, though I may exhibit an arrogance when I believe I am right about a topic. When it comes to a person being judge, I lean towards my own experiences of that person and not on what someone else might have said. For instance, I know some people just don’t “mesh” together. Is it that one person is bad and the other is good? It’s not very often the world presents something so simple. I think the more likely answer is that there is a lack of connection. There is something about those personalities that pushes the people apart instead of together.

I’m rambling a bit but it’s because judging people, situations, outcomes, or communities is complex and yet, we do it so readily and often without thought. I’m quite sure everyone is impacted by their biases. We’re human and bias is part of our reality. And I think we all judge others. The question I’m pondering is, have you ever wondered about some of your judgement calls? Do you wonder why you even bother to spend time judging someone else? Given my current reality, I’m really wondering why.

Think of some very simple situations in your own life. I walk the dog. During that walk, I often note what the neighbourhood is “up to”. What I’ve seen lately is a lot of people working on their spring yard cleanup. No big deal, right? Well, I don’t know if it’s the way I’m feeling lately or what, but it becomes this debate with myself. I have not started work on my yard because: 1) I think it’s still too cold and I’ve read a lot of articles saying don’t do it too early due to the pollinators who are still wintering in the leaves, brush, etc., 2) I’ve been really exhausted, and 3) I just think it’s too cold and wet in my yard to be out their working. All valid responses but I don’t want to be lazy or have the neighbourhood think I’m not keeping up my side of “beautification”. No, I don’t spend a lot of time on this worry; I’m just sharing an example of how a simple walk can become a judgement.

Now, let’s take it a little deeper. We’ve been working from home for over two years now. I’m attending a wedding in a few weeks and will be seeing lots of friends that weekend. I needed a dress for the wedding itself. Oh, my goodness. While I know that I’ve gained a ton of weight, it’s a harsh reality to see yourself in the mirror looking fat. I was talking to a friend about how awful it will be to have those friends I haven’t seen in ages look at me and judge or pity. Either one is bad. This friend is tall and willowy and works very hard to stay in top shape. She told me how much she is not looking forward to upcoming in-person meetings because of the judgement she will feel from the others. Interesting, right? Her concern comes from not having kept up her exercise regime due to many reasons, all of them valid. So, two people who are significantly different in body types, both worrying about judgement from others. What really struck me was when she told me how people will actually say something to her about her looks. Has she lost weight? Is she eating properly? She’s even had someone imply she’s anorexic. In my case, I know nothing will be said out loud.

Do we honestly think before we share our opinions? How often do we inadvertently hurt someone with our words? I’m sure some of the people who spoke to my friend, thought they were being “understanding”, “supportive”, and “caring”. Those words are in quotations because she didn’t receive that message.

I was thinking about how judging impacts us in ways we probably don’t even realize. When we judge others negatively, we’re bringing that emotion into our lives. I’ve decided to try (because trying is all I can commit to!) to let go of the thoughts that having nothing to do with me or my world. You’re walking around in shorts in single digit weather? Oh well, you must not be cold. Why does it matter to me? She loves wearing the colour orange and I think it makes her look sick? Why do I care? It makes that person happy. You’re painting your front porch pink? You must like it and I don’t have to own it.

I’ve written about the negative side of judgement. As with most things in life, I think there are positives as well. Think about someone you admire. What is it that you see that makes that person worthy of admiration? Perhaps it’s their kind nature or you like the way they always show up prepared for meetings or maybe it’s how someone has decorated their house and you like their style. Or perhaps it’s something that isn’t you, but you appreciate how well it is done. For instance, I am not fond of open floor plans in houses, but I’ve seen some gorgeous décor arrangements in friends’ homes.

Judgements can give you something. It can give you an opportunity to determine what you want to improve and what you want to dismiss from your life. In my case, I’m going to work to eliminate the negativity that comes with judging others or myself in an unconstructive manner. I’m going to work to reduce the amount of demeaning thoughts that I have allowed into my mind. I’m going to focus on what good I can bring to myself. For now, in an attempt to make my situation better, I’m going to concentrate on only me. It doesn’t mean I’m going to become a terrible neighbour or won’t be available to my friends and family. It means that if I have to say no to someone, it’s because it’s not the right thing for me and does not reflect on that someone.

So, how am I going about this? Well, as difficult as it was, I chose to be honest about my situation and take some leave. You’ll notice there isn’t a word defining that leave. It’s not stress leave, it’s not personal leave, it’s not sick leave. I have chosen to define it simply as leave to remove the judgement attached to those words. Regardless of others’ view of it, it’s what is right for me. You know, at the end of the day, it’s not good for me, the people around me, those counting on me, or the organization I work in for me to continue operating as I have. It’s essential to climb out of this hole in order to contribute healthily to the world. When you’re flying, a critical instruction for emergencies is to take care of yourself before helping others. Why? Because if you are dead, you’re no help to anyone.

I read an interesting article about spring cleaning. It was about how spring cleaning is good for your house, your mind, and your body. After spending winter with windows and doors closed to winter weather, it’s a chance to open up and let the warming spring air blow the cobwebs out, so to speak. Going through the process gives your body a break from the build up of particles like dust and dander that accumulate during the closure of your house. I think the act of cleaning out gives your mind time to concentrate on the work, not on deep, introspective thoughts. Often when we take on tasks like this, it opens us to the thoughts that have eluded us and that we need to hear. I am going to take some time to engage in spring cleaning. [If you’re interested in the article, it was published in my local newspaper, the Ottawa Citizen, and written by Vicky Sanderson.]

My plan is to spend the next two weeks developing a plan of “renewal”. It includes some important pieces – dealing with the chaos currently surrounding me, focusing on me, doing something with no intent except fun, seeing my doctor, eating healthily, and moving. Moving is essential, in my opinion. As soon as you stop, I believe there’s a great chance that you will atrophy. Your muscles could waste away, and I believe it can affect other areas of your life and body as well. Your mind may not be as sharp, your critical thinking may be clouded, it’s easier to see the negatives instead of the positives, and you may not want to participate in life anymore. [I am not a medical expert and I am using these words in a personal framework. If you are experiencing symptoms, please reach out to a medical professional and ask for help. Don’t let the world miss out on the gift of you.] On a side note, there are some incredible people who due to disease or injury have been impacted by muscles that are no longer working. Those people have not allowed it to stop them living valuable, happy lives. That is not the situation described here. I’m talking about me and how frighteningly easy it could be for me to give up. Letting the stress that I’m feel is taking over my life is scary, and I reject it.

I’m going to work at judging myself and others. We’ve all gone through more than two years of upheaval. It’s time we give ourselves and others a break. I’m not walking in their shoes and they’re not walking in mine. I have admitted the problem and am taking the tough step of fighting back. I know from the number of people who reached out to me after the blog “Unwell” that I am not alone. I hope you will continue to speak up and share your own experiences. We aren’t meant to do everything on our own. This is how we get through things – together.

My mom gave me this journal for Christmas and I have been slowly using it. I share it with you as a friend pointed out how much her own journaling has helped. This one is targeted to my time and I know there are many others available.

Top and bottom left are two areas of chaos that I’m going to tackle. I am a tidy person and when chaos takes over, I have a difficult time. I understand that in my current “place”, I’ve had a tough time finding the energy to cope with this, but I have now created an opportunity to face it.

The bottom right picture is the progress I’ve made in “sorting” possessions. While not all, it does represent some of what I will give away in order to give myself breathing room.

Two areas in my yard that are in need of cleanup. Why would I share my chaos with you? I’m confronting it and I’m showing you that we all have “stuff” to accomplish. It will never end. There will always be something else to do and that’s okay.

Signs of hope - new growth getting ready to plant outside. They are all flowers and will bring colour and scent to my gardens.