Healing With Gratitude
I’ve taken quite a bit of time away from writing my blog. It’s been writing itself in my head, though, and I want to share those thoughts. This blog concentrates on all of the gratitude I’ve been feeling throughout this process of coming to grips with being overwhelmed and finding ways to cope.
My life has been full of help. It’s really incredible when I stop to think about how many people along my path have helped me, in big and small ways. Because of that, I’m going to specifically concentrate on the last few months. If I didn’t, this blog would never end!
If you’ve gone through periods where you felt you’d lost control, been so overwhelmed you weren’t sure where to start your day, or could not find a positive anywhere, then you can probably relate to where I landed a few months ago.
When I think of that time, I have to point out my amazing mom. Even though I was anything but fun to be around or talk to, she didn’t give up on me. Sometimes she pushed, sometimes she just kept talking, and sometimes she just showed up, whether I wanted her or not. She could have let me be in my own “funk”, but she didn’t. She made a point of making me aware of her love and support. I realize that’s what we do as moms, and I will always be grateful to her. There was a weekend that she came to visit, and I cried after she left. I know it’s because I recognized the healing that she was contributing to with her presence.
I have a friend who went through a similar experience and took time away to find the strength to continue. I cannot express in perfect words what she taught me. First, she took time to take care of herself. I feel like my generation and my parent’s generation (and perhaps the ones before) haven’t been great at that. We created a culture that focused on getting “it” done. We judge people when they can’t pull their own weight and we look askance at those that say “enough”. I think it’s because those generations have always just “got it done”. It wasn’t always pretty but outcomes were accomplished, bills were paid, children were raised. There wasn’t a lot of time spent on self-reflection because there wasn’t a lot of extra time. My friend didn’t “check-out of life” in a long term manner, she gave herself permission to get help and move forward. I believe those two key pieces of healing – getting help and moving forward – are why I was able to take my own time and I am thankful to her for being a role model. Doing nothing isn’t good for the person, the family, the community, etc. and she showed how to keep living.
Other friends were supportive, caring, and constantly kept in touch. That might not sound like much, but in my opinion it is the difference from wallowing on my own and remaining a part of my world. One friend called and chatted for an hour and in that time shared her worries, talked about life, and boosted me up. I have to be honest, the fact that it wasn’t all about me was critical. Because you know what? It isn’t all about me! I am not the only person, even within my small circle, who has been suffering. The world is. We see it everyday in our newspapers, on tv, and when we listen to each other. Knowing that I wasn’t alone was a helpful reminder.
In terms of people, you may have noticed, I haven’t mentioned my son. No, it’s not because he wasn’t helpful. In fact, he is the person for whom I live when I’m at my worse. What does that mean? It means that I will always keep going because I have him in my life. [ I try not to judge those who have reached the end of their ropes and don’t see a way out. These last months are one of the few times in my life that I understood the need for those questions from my doctor and counselor and I appreciated them because they made me reaffirm my commitment to life. If you or someone you know is struggling with this, in Canada, we have a Suicide Prevention Service available 24/7 at 1-833-456-4566.]
Okay, back to more positive thoughts. In the course of finding my way out of a hole, I was able to speak with a counselor, my doctor was amazing, and I took time away from my job to devote myself to getting better. I’m grateful to my employer for granting me the time away and for our benefits that provided counseling. The counselor was amazing – he recognized that I needed an outlet, and he gave it to me. He spoke up when it was necessary and helped point me to a new path. I am so thankful that he was assigned to me. My doctor is very young compared to my ripe old age and I’ll admit I was worried about being understood. She is truly incredible. She listens to her patients and doesn’t dismiss them. That can be so difficult to find these days. We seem to have a serious shortage of general practitioners and in addition to being grateful for her care, I’m really thankful to have found her so quickly after moving here. Wow did I luck out! And finally, a thank you to my manager who supported me to take the time I needed. I am truly grateful.
So, a little extra about the gratitude that I’ve encountered through my healing time. Having the time away from my job gave me the opportunity to look at the world and my small part of it. I recognized that my work space was chaotic. I was using the front room for my office, and it didn’t feel right. I didn’t go into that room except for work or looking for something. I really want to make my front door an entrance again and with my office there, would I truly achieve that? (There’s currently a false door which blocks the very cool old door and doorbell. I want a screen door to allow airflow and to create a sense of welcome.) The room itself was stuffed with furniture and my work desk which was overpowered by the electronics and mess on top. The desk is an antique and gorgeous, and I could barely see it with everything on it.
I needed a change. This house has been an exercise in downsizing, so I wasn’t sure where I was going to find the room. Luckily, I have a wonderful contractor who had made me a great storage area in one of my attics. That led to the idea of taking the chaos of my loft, sorting through it, getting rid of what should be got rid of, and creating a space for my office. Now, it’s not perfect yet but it is well on its way. It’s a space that is separate from the rest of the house so work doesn’t intrude when it shouldn’t. I can leave the room and leave behind the stress and worries of the workday. AND it means I can create a living space in the front room.
I took the disaster that was the loft and started looking in each storage bin. I forced myself to carefully choose the items that were worthwhile to keep and threw out the rest. I’m not quite finished and will continue to sort through the remaining bins. In the meantime, I was able to carve out space that is perfect for a home office. I wanted it to be happy and bright, so I chose a soft pink for the walls and found a lovely desk that matched the colour. I had two shelves that have been around for awhile and with family help was able to use some leftover burgundy paint to repurpose them. I still have some work to do on the window. Previous owners had partially framed it and painted it a deep teal colour. I am painting it white and trying to finish the frame and cover up some filler that had been inserted and painted. I also want to replace the outlets to clean, white ones and then the office space is done. I feel really good about it. My goal was to have it ready for my return to work and except for those two items, it was. There’s been an extra bonus to moving the office, as well. In order to take a break, make tea, go to the washroom, etc., I have to use the stairs. Why is that a benefit? Movement. The stairs are kind of crazy, so I have to focus on them and not everything else when I’m going up and down. It also makes me go up and down, a little bit of extra exercise in my day.
Other changes I’ve made that have helped my return to work include trying to stick to an eight hour workday. I’ve changed my log-in time and do everything I can to block periods for work so that I’m not in meetings back-to-back with no opportunity to finish tasks. I’m also not taking my lunch at my desk. It’s not healthy. So, dog and I go for a walk, and I eat lunch on my porch. I try to take ten minutes mid-morning and mid-afternoon to do a quick circuit around the block with dog. These have been the key elements that I’ve instigated for myself, and they seem to be helping.
There are two other areas of my life for which I am grateful.
“Music has charms to soothe a savage breast.” That famous line was uttered by a character in William Congreve's 1697 play, The Mourning Bride and I believe is absolutely true in my life. I love music. I love listening to 1970’s love songs on a Sunday morning while sitting on the porch with my tea and newspaper. I love cranking up the stereo with upbeat music while doing housework on a Saturday. I love having it play quietly in the background while I’m writing or working. I love listening to just about every kind of music. It invigorates, it makes me cry sometimes (that usually seems to come from country music), it brings back memories of childhood and lost loves, and it soothes. I am grateful to those who have been given the gift of musical talent and who share it with the world.
Movies provide escapism. I don’t feel awkward sitting alone in the theatre. I sometimes treat myself to popcorn with butter. I sit back and let the story take me away. For two hours, I can forget about anything causing me concern. I don’t think about what’s coming up in the week ahead or worry about a report that has to be written. I turn off my phone and the screen becomes my world. My son works in the film industry and in some ways, for him it’s “just a job”. In a world where we are often overwhelmed and distressed and where problems can seem insurmountable, movies are a chance to sit back and open ourselves to fantasy. I choose my movies based on what is best on the big screen. Those blockbusters that just don’t play out the same on a tv. I enjoy thought-provoking storylines but when I go to a theatre, I want the experience of “out of this world”. I like documentaries and serious films and I enjoy learning about people and places. I can do that at home on my tv screen. The type of movies that I am especially grateful for when I’m going through tough times are the ones that explode on the large screen in a theatre.
That’s it for my “return” blog. I hope you find something in it that makes you stop and think about where you are right now. Maybe you’re feeling the effects of support and you can identify with the gratitude that I’m feeling. Or maybe you are one of those caring people in someone’s life. If you’re one of “mine”, know that I am thankful for you each and every day.
The “old” office transition.
Top is the chaos that seemed to be permanent on my desk.
Middle is the sorting work that is ongoing.
Bottom is my new, dedicated writing area, using my antique desk and a beautiful antique chair given to me by my sister.
I’ve shared these stairs before and I think they are worthy of another share. My crazy stairs to get to my new loft office.
On the left is my new desk and office space. The printer is on a repurposed shelf that has been painted in leftover burgundy. Note the window - ongoing work to fix and make a bright white.
On the right, top: the shelf that my mom painted for me (in that same leftover burgundy) and the dog’s chair. He has to have his place, too! In the middle is the painted door into the attic. It was the same dark teal as seen around the window. On the bottom is an in-progress picture to share the former and new wall colours.
It seems we often celebrate with food and I thought I would share some of my recent examples.
The top left is a charcuterie board I put together for a picnic party with my mom and sister. On the top right is a selection of cupcakes from a wedding I recently attended. It was a pleasure to be invited to witness their profession of love.
The bottom is from my niece’s celebration of First Communion. It was a beautiful day and I am so grateful that I was able to attend. The cake was sublime! The dragonfly cookies symbolized good luck.
Last year I started transitioning from the red mulch I “inherited” to black mulch which I prefer against the yellow of the house. This is one of the two remaining garden beds to be changed. The middle picture is from a month ago when I dug out the red mulch and replaced it. The bottom picture is now, with peonies about to burst into bloom.
I like being surrounded by things that make me happy. I do not like hiding away precious items.
The top right is a new addition to my kitchen island for summertime. It’s a lazy Susan that I picked up at a local market. I think the artist did a beautiful job! The middle or top left is also a new addition to the kitchen. In this case, he holds open my kitchen door. I found him at a local garden centre. I just love him!
The bottom picture is of an old cake stand that was gifted to me and spent too much time hidden away in a cabinet. By turning it on it’s side, I’m able to display it on a kitchen shelf.