Grumpy Bear
Each week I start writing based on handwritten ideas written in my notebook. Sometimes, only one topic speaks to me and I build on it over the course of the week. Other times, I flip through the pages of the notebook looking for the topic that most appeals on my Sunday morning. This week I have been focused on a particular idea and yet, this morning, as I sit here in front of my laptop I realized that it needs more work. It’s a topic that requires more thought and planning. At 7 a.m. with my mug of tea sitting beside me in a quiet house, I wondered if there wasn’t going to be a blog today. I’ve considered those pages in my notebook that are not yet published blogs and none want to be written today. [As an aside, there are times when I find that something has to come out of me and make its way to the page. It’s a sensation that’s been growing over the last couple of years and one that’s taking me on an adventure this fall - more to come!]
I referred to my quiet house. You might wonder if it isn’t always quiet, given that I’m on my own. The answer is usually. However, this weekend, I had a last minute request to host a visit from my mom and niece. There aren’t too many scenarios where I can see myself saying no to such a question. Of course my mom is always welcome here. In fact, it would be rare for me to say no to either of them. They arrived on Friday afternoon as I was finishing up work. Never is it a quiet entrance. My niece is so full of energy that, whether she says a thing or not, you can feel her come through the door. Turning 11 this summer, she is a pre-teen with all the sass of a young girl, not child! She’s also one of the most joy-filled people I know. I believe she keeps us all young. I have no doubt she was told to be quiet and thoughtful of my work when she opened the door and she did. As I said, though, that energy that is her, fills a room. I was anxious to log off and start my weekend and join them outside.
As I’ve mentioned before, I give myself ambitious to do lists and this weekend is no different. They arrived to a long list of tasks that I had planned for myself. It’s Sunday morning and I’ve hardly accomplished any of them. As I sat with my mom watching my niece in the pool on Friday, I kept thinking, it’s okay, I’ll find some energy and get going tomorrow. Then Saturday morning when said niece and I were up early, I figured there would be a little more life in my body if I could just have my tea. Then it was a bit of breakfast. If I could just have a bite to eat then I would feel like getting things done. The truth is, I have barely anything left in my personal fuel tank this weekend.
It was a very busy work week. I was just back after a week off so it seems like you spend a lot of time trying to catch up and a lot of time needing to be caught up so you can keep moving forward. I love the busyness and chaos and being needed but I’m getting old! I don’t have the same ability to do extra long hours day after day. Once upon a time it was fine but it’s not anymore. Add to the overall picture, long hot days and even with air conditioning, I believe our bodies feel the impact. I’m beat. Nothing left in my tank. Not sure how I’ll have enough for next week, if I’m being really honest.
That’s the me that my mom and niece arrived to find. That’s the reason for the title. I’ve been a grumpy bear this weekend. My mom noticed it. We’re alike in many ways so I think it was easy for her to see. My niece? I’m not sure. As I said she’s so full of good energy, it’s hard to say if she saw past that to my less than happy presence. At one point, I said to my mom that I now realize how much we didn’t see or understand as children. This weekend was a reminder that my parents must have been worn out on many occasions when we were children and it didn’t stop us from wanting their all.
My niece loves my pool. She’s like a fish and barely comes up for air. She could spend all day and most of the evening in the water. I grew up with a pool. I remember those days - she brought that back for me this weekend. As soon as we could, we’d be in it and we’d stay there for as long as we were allowed. Yes, we did other things during our summer months. There were swimming lessons and times with friends but what I remember the most is the time in the pool. Even as a child I recognized the soothing and healing powers of the water. It’s hard to stay angry when the water is surrounding and holding you.
While my niece is here she’s got one thing on her mind and that’s, when can she go back in! She’s like a dog with a bone. Her whole being is focused on that next opportunity to jump in. Unfortunately, she’s had her grumpy bear of an aunt this weekend. Before you feel too sorry for her, though, just let me say she spent most of Saturday in the pool and went to bed last night talking about another swim this morning. She doesn’t need me for the pool, either. My mom will always take on the supervisory role and let her enjoy.
I think what I noticed the most this weekend is how tied I can become to an artificial to do list. I said in a previous blog that I know and accept that I won’t check off all of the items. Well, I think I’m a little less open to that then I realized. I had another long list this weekend that I knew wouldn’t be 100% achievable. However, I could feel the pressure yesterday. I was a grumpy old bear. I wanted to “get things done”. Guess what? I’m starting to understand that they aren’t all necessary. Yes, I needed to mow the lawn. Well, I did. Yes, I wanted to get the deck set up. I did a bit. I didn’t do it all and I discovered that I can’t. I’m not completely sure what I want to do with it so how can I do “it”?
There’s a song from the 1930’s by George Gershwin with the lyrics, “Summertime and the livin’ is easy”. It should be. I should be soaking up the heat and the sun and the healing properties of the pool. Yes, I have to get some stuff done. Yes, it’s the right time of year for outside work. But this weekend, I recognized that the urgency I’ve placed on that work is unreasonable. I’ve got this idea that I have to get all the big stuff done before retirement. I’d like to get the big money items dealt with, absolutely, but it doesn’t mean that everything will be completed. When you own a home, everything is never completed. I awoke this morning with a deep sense of gratitude, both for that realization and for the people who helped make me aware.
Before bedtime last night my mom commented that she and my niece put me in an awkward position by “imposing themselves” on me this weekend. Absolutely not! I think this has been a wonderful weekend of reminders. We’re going to our parish’s yearly picnic later today. Without them, I probably wouldn’t stay long - I’d have the excuse of what I need to finish before the start of the work week. With them, I’ll enjoy the bbq and the companionship of others. I’ll take my time and sample the dishes that others have brought. I’ll enjoy hearing that others are enjoying the treats I’ve provided (butter tarts and Rice Krispie squares).
I hope my niece, even with a grumpy bear as an aunt, has had a fun weekend. I hope my mom knows how much I appreciate the “intrusion” and reminder of the good things in life. I hope I remember that these are the best of times. I hope the energy that my niece has shared goes with me into next week as I tackle whatever busyness comes my way. I hope everyone who takes the time to read this week’s blog has people who bring you the joys of summertime and easy livin’.
Parish picnic treats!
My little mermaid in relaxation mode.
The progression of a pool deck!
After two days of working in the rain (I couldn’t believe he kept at it!), the deck is done!
Still to come: pool steps and some decor items. I’m in love!