Grief…

This is a topic that impacts everyone and I’m not sure if I can do it justice but here goes. I’ve been playing with the idea of writing this blog for more than a year. Grief is so personal that it’s a tough theme for me. As I looked back on the notes I’ve made and let myself sit with the emotions I want to convey, I’ve come to realize that as personal as it is, the fact that we all go through it, is what makes it an important topic. Sharing is critical to our human experience and by sharing our grief we are made stronger.

Grief can come out of nowhere and paralyze you with its strength. It can make you feel like you’ve lost your foundation, your base on which to stand. It hits me through songs, smells, sounds, and words. It can be a picture that takes me back in time. Grief comes from loss and most often it’s about someone who was with me and is no longer in my physical world. This time of year is terrible for me when it comes to the memories of goodbyes. In January and February are the anniversaries of the passing of my dad, my gram, both of my grandpas and more recently an aunt and uncle with whom I was very close. Not in the same league but also impactful is the passing of my pup two years ago. I don’t think it’s winter that gets me down. I think it’s all the goodbyes that have happened. And I think for me, the grief pulls the rug out from under me. It topples me and I have a tough time getting through when it happens. It’s not a constant. I don’t feel it every moment of every day. It’s as I said: sometimes just one little thing that sends my mind to the memory and then to the sadness.

In today’s world with all that we are facing, I believe there is grief about more than the loss of people. The more I contemplate grief, the more I recognize grief in what people are facing in their daily lives. Loss is being experienced in many areas. It could be your environment. You find yourself in a circumstance where you have to sell your home. It’s just a house to some, but to you it’s where you raised your family. It’s more than brick and mortar. It’s a physical expression of love and laughter and good and tough times. Now you have to sell it, for whatever reason. Grief is the lost comfort of your place; your home; your memories.

A cousin who has become a good friend is going through something awful. She isn’t alone. Her siblings are facing the same challenges. In fact she is physically surrounded by people who are experiencing a huge loss. They are dealing with a change in political leadership that is knocking down advances that took decades to build. While I’m mostly on the outside looking in, I feel some of what they are experiencing. This is a loss of ideals and beliefs. Democracy is being attacked. While I have skirted away from politics in my blogs, this is about far more than political parties. This is about an attempt to strike down decades of advancements. This is about villainizing peoples. It’s about casting blame. I feel grief for those directly impacted by these horrific events. I feel grief for the domino effect this behaviour will have on the world. My cousin was temporarily struck down by her grief. Grief can do terrible things to us. It can zap our energy. We don’t want to get up and face the day. It can make us want to hide from the world. It puts up barriers to moving and move we must. It can take away our ability to see with clear vision. It can make us angry or depressed. It can take away our will to fully engage in life.

This leads me to my next train of thought. I grieve the loss of common sense. I think in large part it’s due to the brilliance of the internet. In past decades we had to research and look up facts. Nowadays just put your question in a search engine on the internet and whatever pops up must be true, right? NO! Yes, there is tons of great information on the internet and if you use some common sense you’ll benefit. The unfortunate part is that it will also tell us whatever we want to believe. In the past couple of weeks I’ve seen so many posts shared on social media that were not true. Blatantly not true. Two in particular really annoyed me. One was a woman who was complaining about a local school board and how they were replacing their extracurricular sports team for an all-inclusive model that would not be competitive. It was shared by someone I know. I decided to look into it because I’ll admit I was curious. Guess what? It was absolutely inaccurate. Yes, the school board is piloting an all-inclusive intramural league. It sounded interesting. The school board clearly stated that it was not replacing or ending the competitive leagues that currently exist. To me, that’s about common sense. Before you go off the deep end, how about you look into the notion, whatever it may be. Another post was about our federal pension plan into which workers in our country pay for their retirement. First off, it came from another country and the post was changed to add in a few of our provincial names. There was NOTHING in the post that was accurate as far as we are concerned. But yes, let’s share that post without doing any due diligence to ensure accuracy. This is how false information is spread. I grieve our loss of intelligence. We should be using it each and every day to address what we’re being fed. Hatred comes when we don’t understand others and fear them. This is how we get there - we consume and accept garbage. Anyway, it’s obviously upsetting to me and I grieve for a world that isn’t interested in truth.

This year in particular, with all that’s happening in the outside world, it’s easy for me to “hunker down” in my house. I don’t want to put layers on clothing on just to go for a walk. I don’t want to walk in weather that hurts my face. And yet, that fresh air, those biting temperatures make me feel better. Each morning, I step onto my kitchen porch and breathe deeply, thanking God for another day. Yes, even on the mornings of -20C temperatures, I step out in my pjs to take in the new day. I now think that’s one of the best things I can do with my grief. Breathe in the fresh air. Be thankful. Force myself to get outside and move. Don’t give up.

The thing that’s always been true about grief is that it doesn’t stay as strong as it starts. The pain eases and dulls over time. This year I’ve been sharing the anniversaries of those I miss. I’ve been sharing a picture of how I remember them and sharing something of what they meant to me. I’m finding there is a healing in that, even when it’s been decades since they left. As I get older, it feels like I’m appreciating them more. I grieved them at their passing but I recognize that life keeps pushing us along and we suddenly look up and realize it’s been a year or ten. I don’t want to lose my connection to those who meant so much. Writing this blog, taking a few minutes to share a picture and a thought is keeping them alive with me. I am their legacy.

Someone’s death doesn’t remove me from my responsibility to live well. In fact, I would say it inspires me to keep going. When I feel down from a lack of kindness in the world, the desire to cast blame on anyone and everyone who may be a little different, I don’t turn away from it. I think of something positive. A friend recently shared the beauty of her sisters and all that they bring to the world. That expression of love is incredible. It’s what keeps us moving forward. Maybe I spend a little less time taking in the news but I still remain aware. Hiding our heads in the ground is part of the problem. John Stuart Mill, in 1867 said, “Bad men need nothing more to compass their ends, than that good men should look on and do nothing.” I feel like we are there today. Too many good people are trying to rationalize evil doings. Well, here we are in 2025 with a lot of evil on display. My grief is real and tangible. Dave Bassett and Rachel Platton wrote the following lyrics:

“Like a small boat on the ocean

Sending big waves into motion

Like how a single word

Can make a heart open

I might only have one match

But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song (hey)

Take back my life song (hey)

Prove I'm alright song (hey, ha)

My power's turned on (hey)

Starting right now, I'll be strong (hey)

I'll play my fight song (hey)

And I don't really care if nobody else believes (ha)

'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me”

This is what I think I have to do. Allow my grief to motivate me to keep moving. Let the grief push me forward. Don’t ignore it. Don’t pretend it doesn’t exist or isn’t worthy. Grief needs to be accepted. Whether it’s the goodbye to a beloved family member or friend or it’s the loss of values and ideals, it’s important to use it. Don’t be afraid of it. Let it propel you into the future. Don’t let it suck you down into nothingness. Fight your way upward and keep putting kindness into the world.

A lovely gift from a friend and a perfect fit in my home! (And there’s a beautiful bottle of wine inside!)

An adorable addition to my winter decor.

My wild bunny was by for a visit - he’s looking very plump!

On a snowy, dark, cold winter night there is tremendous beauty.

My home is a warm and welcoming haven from the chaos of the world. It’s the perfect place for me to work through my grief.