Greatest Love…
This blog is about something that’s played out in my mind for the last couple of years. Being critical of myself is not new to me; I’ve been this way most of my life and I believe it’s been in pursuit of self-improvement. These past few years though, have been different. My self-judgment has come not only from a desire to be better but from looking around and comparing myself to others. Those others aren’t necessarily people I know.
When I was a child, our social media came from magazines and television. Nowadays, social media is everywhere and one of its purposes seems to be presenting an idealized picture of self to the world. We don’t share our “first in the morning” face. We share our perfectly made up, flawless clothing persona. I know someone who rarely ever puts a “true” picture online. They’re always adjusted with filters to take out the wrinkles or the skin imperfections. I will be honest, that’s something I don’t do and I don’t really understand. You don’t look like that, so why pretend you do? However, I don’t know that my way is any better as I prefer to avoid pictures of myself.
This blog has come from a place of reflection and a lot of that based on comparison with an “ideal”. I’m focussing on a physical element but there are many ways in which we look at ourselves in contrast to others, whether they are family, friends or “famous”. For the last few years I haven’t liked what I’ve seen in the mirror. On the rare occasions that I’m “self-pleased” I will post something or change my profile picture. Why don’t I like what I see? Well, I’m overweight and while I know it’s something that should be in my control, it’s an area of my life over which I seem to relinquish control. I let myself stress eat and when things get really bad I have all sorts of reasons to “hibernate” and not engage in physical activity. Those two things add up to extra weight and that weight is on my body, my mind, my opinion of myself and I believe, correctly or not, on others’ opinions of me.
This blog isn’t about a need to be told I look good or am doing okay or any of the platitudes we use. This blog is an attempt to share what I’m going through knowing that I’m probably not alone. Everyone has those moments of self doubt. No one goes through this life without questioning themselves on occasion. When I look at my friends most of the time I see people who are leading successful lives. They are physically active, they have positive attitudes, they are pushing through the challenges and achieving their goals. When I look around at my connections on social media, they too, are busy doing amazing things. Honestly, I sometimes wonder if everyone has housekeepers because I certainly don’t have the time, money and energy to do all that I see online. I’m not exactly a slacker but I acknowledge I can’t keep everything pristine while working my job and trying to live. Looking around I see people travelling, taking yoga or exercise classes, attending events and so on. How do they do it?
And what’s the problem with me? The problem is I’m comparing myself to a snapshot in time. A picture is not always worth a thousand words. A picture from a lounge chair in Punta Cana doesn’t show all it took to get there. The person had to take the time to pick a place (and there could be research and time spent trying to find an affordable vacation), the money to pay for the trip, the ability to take the time off from work, arrangements for care of pets and/or house, all the extras (travel to the airport, parking, food, etc.), packing (which is one of my dislikes LOL) and the stress of travelling in winter with possible delays. Will the luggage arrive? What should a person take in a carryon versus checked luggage? That’s not what you see when you look at the picture of idyllic white sand beaches, blue water and brilliant sunshine. We also don’t see the bags under the eyes on day one when the traveller is just trying to get to a point where relaxation can set in.
What about the picture of your friend with a huge smile, makeup on, sitting in the arena for a bucket list concert with a smile on her face? You might not see that in order to get out the door for the concert, she had to find enough money to put gas in the car. She wasn’t feeling well all day so the housecleaning she needed to get done, wasn’t. She was really looking forward to getting out for a break but her makeup is done because she has dark circles under her eyes from lack of sleep. She knew the drive home afterwards would require cold air blasting at her face because of that lack of sleep and she didn’t want to worry about it because it would interfere with the enjoyment of the music. That’s what we miss when we see the perfect night out in a picture.
That’s the sort of thing I’m thinking about. How what we see isn’t the whole picture. The truth is, what I see in the mirror isn’t what someone else sees when they look at me. They might see someone who has it together. Maybe they see someone who is lucky enough to do as she wishes, instead of having to consider everyone living in the same house. Maybe what they see is what I see. Maybe they see someone who is getting older (aren’t we all), trying her best and not always getting there and is sometimes sad and tired. There are many times I remind myself that I am blessed and, regardless of my perception of the person looking back at me, I’m lucky to have this life.
What I’ve noticed recently (and I know it’s not just me):
As in the examples above, we often don’t consider the whole picture and we only compare with the “perfect” snapshot that’s shared.
Whether I’m happy with my body or not, this is what I look like today and the world is stuck with it.
If I want to be better, the only person who can make that happen is me.
My feelings about myself have been weighing me down for a few years. I’ve been trying to reconcile this self-dislike with all the blessings I have and the areas in my life where I’ve succeeded. I’ve often thought people should learn to like themselves before trying to love someone else. It’s something I’ve thought for a long time but haven’t been equipped with the right words. Last night I was driving home when an old song came on. I have a love of long songs and this one has been a favourite for a long time. As I was singing along, I realized that I’d never paid really close attention to the lyrics. Or rather, I knew what it was about but I didn’t hear the words in the context of my own struggle.
“Everybody’s searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs
A lonely place to be
And so I learned to depend on me”
I’ve had some great role models in my life but I honestly don’t think I’ve ever thought of many as heroes. My mom is front and centre in the role model line up. In the last couple of years I’ve taken the time to recognize others. I haven’t found someone though, who would be the ideal partner. While I bear the responsibility for that lack, I have to say I often wonder how someone else could love me if I don’t love myself? As for a hero, like the words of the song, I have learned to depend on me.
“I decided long ago
Never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I'll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity”
My decision was not long ago but I have come to live as I believe. I have failed many times, it’s part of being human. My goal is always to learn something from my failures and my successes. (Gee, I should be brilliant, if that’s the case!) Given my last few years I can say I’m working hard to be my authentic self. It’s a large part of my decision to retire when I can instead of sticking around longer. Sometimes to live with integrity and dignity you have to walk away when it’s time.
“Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all”
As I listened to the song, it hit me that this is in fact the greatest love of all - love of self. I’d go further and say it’s acceptance of self which builds to love. I wouldn’t agree that it’s easy to achieve, not with all the outside influences in our society, but it is doable. It’s something we can all accomplish but we have to believe in ourselves. I’m getting there. I do believe in myself and I’m fighting the challenges (that devil in my head that says I’m not good enough).
I don’t want this blog to be considered negative. It’s not. I don’t always hate looking in the mirror - of course there are times when I think I look pretty good. There are times when the reflection shows me the person who made it through some tough times. Lots of times, I barely look at the mirror - just to check my hair or put on lotion. It’s not a big part of my day to day life but it does play a role in my self-esteem.
Last fall while I was in Ireland, I discovered I can like me. In fact, what I found out is that the person who travelled alone, did a lot of writing, took time to hike and visit new areas was a pretty cool person. I liked who I was. I ate healthy without focussing on changing my diet. I moved every day whether it was in the morning with my power walk or in the afternoon when I “climbed” a mountain or hiked through the woods. A friend noticed that I even posted a few selfies and I liked how I looked in those pictures. What that time taught me is that I can love myself. I can be who I want to be. I can like the person in the mirror.
If you know the song lyrics I’ve shared, you’ll know that I’ve left out a couple of verses. I believe they’re important verses but I didn’t need them for my blog. They’re about teaching and leading our children because they are our future. The song is, The Greatest Love of All, sung by Whitney Houston and written by Linda Creed and Michael Masser. Check it out.
I love a seasonal dining table. I think the snowmen salt and pepper shakers add a little whimsy.
A new addition to my winter decor. I found it at a local shop, Silly Goats Home Decor. Check them out!
A special treat from a friend.
A few comments about these pictures. The one on the left is from years ago. I came across it by accident this week and was stunned by how lovely I think I look. I love my hair, my smile and that dress looks great on me. Here’s the reality - I didn’t like this picture when it was taken. I only saw extra weight in my midsection, my lips looked uneven and I’m not partial to my hands. All these years later, I would love to look this good!
On the right is a picture from last fall while I was in Ireland. It is not a traditionally beautiful picture. I share it because, even with my hair blown back and the wrinkles on my face, I think I look good. That’s because I know the whole story of this picture. I was part way up Croagh Patrick. I didn’t think I could do it and yet I kept pushing myself. (Ultimately, I made it to the equivalent of “base camp”.) I did it on my own. I didn’t give up. I felt healthy and happy. That’s why I think this is a picture of beauty.