Good and Tired…

I wanted to write a blog about all that I enjoyed this past week. Unfortunately, every time I tried to get the words right, I kept butting up against the fatigue that has enveloped my body and mind. This past week has been the most exhausted I think I’ve ever felt. At least, that’s what I kept saying. Let me give you a rundown of my week.

Last Sunday I travelled to my mom’s to spend the night. I was going to Montreal on Monday morning and wanted to break up the drive. Leaving from her place made my trip smooth and slightly over an hour. I got to see a friend who was my first friend in the company for which I work, chatted with some new candidates and saw two of my team who were in town supporting a project. That afternoon I attended a ceremony related to a partnership in which we’ve embarked. It wasn’t mandated that I attend but I’ll be honest, I felt after the work I’d done I wanted to be there. My drive back home was another story. Three solid hours on a highway with lots of transports and in the dark. This is a highway I am rarely on and I found it hard. I pulled into my driveway feeling grateful for arriving and slightly overwhelmed at all that I had to accomplish before Tuesday morning.

On Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday mornings I was up at 4:30 a.m. to ensure I didn’t get stuck in rush hour traffic. I had my team arriving for in person meetings and I needed to have quiet time each morning to get set up and ready for the day’s agenda. [As most cities encounter, it seems leaving a little later each morning puts me into heavy traffic that adds another 30 minutes to my commute.] Additionally, in an effort to convey my appreciation for the team’s incredible work and to save money, I baked for each day. Tuesday’s was blueberry muffins, Wednesday I made butter tarts and Thursday, which was combined with another team, I had scones. Wednesday night I took the team out for dinner which was lovely (and very yummy) but it meant a much later start for home.

One of the things I’ve noticed since the pandemic is how exhausted I feel after being around people. Even a small group of six can wipe me out, especially after eight hours. Between the driving of Monday and the effort and early morning of Tuesday, I missed my turnoff on my way home. Too much on my mind. Don’t misunderstand me, I didn’t lose a ton of sleep this past week. I still managed six to seven hours per night. It was the effort, plus the early morning plus the in person meeting plus the drive that I think zapped me of energy.

Okay, so I’ve kind of explained the exhaustion.Why you might ask. Well, all this week as I’ve played with the blog topic for today, I wanted to focus on how amazing my week was and I kept thinking of the exhaustion instead. As I was tackling my weekend chores yesterday it occurred to me that it was not the most exhausted I’ve ever been. In fact, I thought of four other times that were worse. First, when I had my son we were operating our catering company. In fact, the day after he was born we catered a family reunion of 100+ for Thanksgiving. All parents can relate to walking in a fog for those early days of parenthood, I’m sure.

A few years later I was in training to become an air traffic controller. There were days I didn’t remember driving home. Without any doubt at all, the most exhausting thing I’ve ever been through was on the job training as it takes every ounce of energy you have and when you have a family at home… Well, let’s just say it’s a lot.

Not many years later I was a single mom and found myself late at night trying to figure out how I was going to pay the bills or quite often, which ones I could delay a little. As parents know, sleepless nights with children is par for the course, regardless of the cause.Fast forward a few more years and I decided to do my master’s degree while working full-time. In my job and with my coworkers I was blessed to be within an understanding team. Still the weight of it rested on my shoulders. It meant late nights trying to get papers in on time and stressing about what was in those papers. It also meant late nights followed by early mornings getting my son up and ready for school or heading to work for opening shift.

What do all of those examples have in common? They were situations of extreme exhaustion and the pain of that fatigue has been largely forgotten. I think it’s important when I encounter something like last week that I remember the examples from the past.

What I recall the most about those past times is the outcomes. My son started his life in our catering company and was loved by all of our customers. Some came in just to see him and bring him gifts. He grew up loved. Even when he was being raised by a single mom he was my focal point. I don’t think he ever knew about those late nights and my worries. I qualified as a controller and learned and grew within the company. It turns out I was smart enough to do my master’s and to excel. I met incredible people, tapped into my own brain and continued to grow.

This week? It was filled with a group of people for whom I have great respect and affection. My team is made up of individuals who all want to produce the best possible outcomes for everything in their domain. They want to bring their best to the job each and every day. There was so much engagement by each person to the topics on the agenda, it was inspiring.

Don’t get me wrong. They are not perfect, as I am not perfect. Not every conversation had consensus. We had to put some off to the side to be revisited. I disagree with some opinions and I know they disagree with me. That’s important and tells me they trust me enough to share their dissent. Trust. I do it automatically and this team has yet to do anything to lose it.

I know the exhaustion that I still feel from last week will fade. I know the memory of it will become a smile of reflection as have all my other examples. What I don’t want to lose is the laughter, the enjoyment of my baking efforts, the animated discussions and the joy of seeing my team connect. Knowing they spent time together after the work day and made their own memories together is wonderful. Those are the times that they will look back on as their careers take them into new opportunities.

When I look back on my experiences of exhaustion over the years there isn’t one that I regret. Today I feel good and tired. As we enter the Christmas season, we will find ourselves pulled in multiple directions. We’ll want to do everything and be everywhere. I hope you find time for yourself. I hope your fatigue doesn’t take away from the joy of family, friends, food, the beautiful lights and the time spent together. I hope the chaos takes you into each day with the energy needed to get through. I hope in January you look back and feel good and tired.

Getting the trees ready. On the left is a new outdoor tree - the evergreen in my yard has grown so tall it’s outside of my abilities to string lights.
In the middle is my larger tree,  in my sitting room, and which can be seen from the street - I think seeing Christmas trees in windows is lovely!
On the right is my living room tree - on the evenings when I want to watch a show I’ll still be able to enjoy the beauty of the lights.

These two bring a smile when the days cool off and winter is around the corner.

Starting to get the Christmas bins out - I love how my decor slowly comes together.