Fear…

Lately I’ve noticed I am experiencing more fear than what I would call normal. For most of my life I’ve had two fears: thunderstorms, the lightning and thunder, and medical needles. They’re just part of who I am. I’ve improved somewhat over the years with thunderstorms, but needles can still bring me to my knees.

The younger me seemed to just do things without consideration of fear. And I don’t mean only when I was a fearless child or teen. Even as a single mom with a growing son, I didn’t panic about life. I just lived it. I was never really slowed down by worries. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t aware of worries and the fear that can stem from them. Of course I was worried. Who wouldn’t be when they are working full-time, raising a child, trying to have a life, volunteering, getting a child to do homework and getting them to extracurricular activities, all while paying the bills?

What I’m talking about is fear that seems to be developing for no particular reason as I age. Many years ago I loved horses and was blessed to have parents that found the money for lessons. Here I am decades later and I’ve decided to reignite my love of horses. I find myself battling borderline panic before my riding lesson. Why? I don’t know. Is it the fear of a fall that will definitely have more impact at my current age than it would have as a teenager? Last week I was travelling for work. I had a full day meeting planned and was quite fearful of the outcome. My fear was that we would have travelled only to have no one speak up and participate. I was afraid that our trip would be construed as a waste if no one had anything to share. Reality? It was excellent and we experienced not only wholehearted engagement but gratitude for giving the team members an opportunity to share their feedback. So it seems like the fear was a useless waste of energy.

I get a little scared sometimes of being alone. Now, that might seem strange because I always talk and write with a single person perspective. And yes, I’ve been alone for a long time. What’s changed? Well, my companion, my pup, is now gone. I wasn’t expecting to feel this sort of impact. I figured the quiet in the house would be noticeable and the changes to routine (feeding, walking, etc.) would stand out. I didn’t really expect that I would feel alone, and I certainly didn’t expect any fear from it.

Since I moved into this house, fear about the house abounds. I fear that I made a mistake. There is so much to owning a century home. Am I really up for it? Am I too old to tackle what needs to be done? Can I get the big things done and then actually enjoy the house? When I’m able to beat back the fear I realize how much I enjoy parts of the house. I love my kitchen. I love cooking in it. In fact, I love just being in it. So, what is my actual fear? Is it fear of the possibility of having made a mistake? If I’m honest, I make mistakes all of the time. Daily. Is it the magnitude of the mistake if it is one? Maybe it’s the idea of doing all of this myself. Maybe it’s the fear that I made a choice to move here and don’t feel like I fit. Maybe I’ve been letting my mind go crazy and cause fears that aren’t realistic. And if that’s the case, well, I’d better do something about it as I don’t want fear to define my world.

If I delve into my thoughts about fear, I find certain things stand out. I have respect for life and don’t really think in terms of a fear of death for myself. I do for others. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m just not ready to do without the people in my life but sometimes I find myself catching my breath. I’m so thankful when my mom decides not to take a chance on winter roads to come for a visit. As much as I truly love her visits and look forward to them, it’s with a huge sigh of relief that I greet her decisions to stay home when we’re experiencing hazardous conditions. It’s not based on whether I think she’s capable of driving, it’s because I don’t trust the other people on the roads. It’s the same with my son. When he’s been working solid 12 hour shifts and is tired driving home I worry. It doesn’t mean I’m frozen with fear. I have a great deal of trust in his driving ability and, ultimately, in God that he will get home safely. But I still feel that twinge.

Where else do I experience fear? I’ve spent time not sharing my honest thoughts or suggestions because of a fear of being accepted both at work and in my private life. At the core of it I think is a fear of losing my job. If I’m not willing to stand up for myself, to work to be heard, then I’m letting myself down. How do I make sure that I’m not a doormat?

I started this blog to figure out some of my fears. What to do with the next part of my life. What to do with this house? How do I turn it into a home? How do I happily move into my next phase of life? The truth is, I fear retiring without attaining the level of success for which I strive. I fear retiring and not having a plan, not being able to afford retirement, retreating even further into myself, and not living. Those fears could be stifling. They could impact every step I take. I don’t want that.

So, that’s quite a pile of fears and I’ve only written some of what I feel. What do I do about fears? How do I manage them? How do I get past them? For starters, I have to keep going forward. I can’t curl up and hide in my house. And if you’re feeling like you can’t move forward, can’t live, can’t leave your home, then please reach out for help. I am not an expert on mental health issues. We have a lot of resources in Canada, and I hope you will ask for help. In my case, I wonder if fear is part of aging or if it’s related to the pandemic we’ve just come out of, or perhaps it’s because I’m really on my own now.

I want to make sure my fears don’t become paralyzing. That’s my primary concern. What I can share is what I’m doing right now, in my own life. I joined a ladies night of horseback riding. To be honest, it was the writing of the ad that really got to me and after a week of consideration I decided to go for it. It was about the ladies night, for sure, but it also spoke of being a beginner or having not been on a horse for awhile. The second is absolutely true for me. Although at this stage in my life, I consider myself a beginning rider, I was on horses decades ago. I wanted to find out if I was still in love with horses and if I could ride. My goal? Get out of the house, not fall off the horse, and open myself to something new. While I still feel trepidation as I’m driving to the stables, I’m proud of my accomplishment.

I realized this past week that I’m at the stage in my life and career that if I don’t speak up with my ideas and vision then I only have myself to blame. In the early days, I think you can be excused for being fearful of losing your paycheque but with less than three years left I’ve had enough. I’m in an industry that doesn’t always represent the diversity of our population. It tends to be white and male. Well, I’m white but female. I fought to achieve my first job in this industry 23 years ago and when I went into management it seemed like I took a step back and lost some of my spine. Well, I hope that’s done. Now, do not misunderstand me. I’m far from perfect and certainly am not an expert on many things. I think the most important thing I bring to the table is including all voices around the table, an analytical mind, and the ability to sort through some of the passion. I, generally, prefer to let others take the bow but lately have found myself recognizing that sometimes that bow is mine and was honestly won. I think my final years in this company will be interesting if I can, with some luck and hard work, find a position in which I can help a team to shine. At the very least, I plan to speak up. At the core of it, I just keep going. Occasionally I try to ignore the fear I and sometimes I share it. That’s what I did with my meeting last week – I shared my concerns with a colleague. It helped.

I get outside. It’s always amazing how important a little bit of physical movement (these days it’s walking and shoveling!) in fresh air is to our minds and bodies. I have incredible friends and family members who give me opportunities to share both the good and bad. That’s so valuable. I, as much as I like being on my own, need people. I need those contacts. And I have the best kid in the world. As often as I check in on him and make sure he’s doing okay, he does the same for me. Those check ins remind us that we aren’t isolated. Fear grows in isolation and connections are one way to combat it.

I have some big, global fears. I think most people do – climate change, war, pandemic – and will continue to do my best in my day-to-day life to be respectful of where and when I live. But I’m not paralyzed by those fears. I couldn’t live if I was. I don’t live in a bubble. I don’t ignore what’s in the news and what’s happening around me. I don’t see any point in fearing everything that’s out there. I strive to have an amazing, happy life. While my fears definitely impact how I feel, I try very hard to make them stepping stones to my next moves. I don’t chose not to do things based on fears; in fact I will sometimes move forward straight into the heart of those fears as a way to cope

In my life, trying is the best answer to fear. If I don’t try, I don’t know what I can accomplish. It may be that I spend all of my life trying and that’s okay. I always want to be a better person, learn more about my world and the people in it, and not let fear hold me back. Wish me luck!

Each year I pull out bins with decorations associated with seasons or events. They rarely will end up in exactly the same place or same set up. This is winter 2023.

New additions to my winter collection, given to me by my mom.

The “before” picture of the sitting room/library. Hopefully in a couple of weeks, I’ll be sharing the “after” picture. I guess I’ll have to get serious about furniture shopping!