A Weekend with Mom

I’ve been struggling to write this blog for a few weeks now. The truth is, I’ve been wanting to write the blog all summer and just couldn’t get it right. It was only in the last week when I was talking to a friend that I realized the problem: I was trying to write the wrong thing. So, this paragraph is being inserted at the beginning of the two pages already written and I am going to go through and make all sorts of changes so that the blog that is supposed to be is the end result. Does that sound weird? Maybe, so I’ll explain myself a bit before I “get to work”. My cousin gave me a book with daily pep talks or kicks in the butt for writers by authors. I read it each morning. Last week one of the pearls of wisdom was about writing what you need to write when it comes to you. Also in the last week, I watched an episode of a television drama that featured an author who was trying to finish a series for her readers before she had high risk surgery. She wrote about her main character choosing one suitor over another and one of the doctors was horrified as she wanted the character to choose the other man. The author explained that it’s up to the author to be true to the character. Now, I’m not some great fiction author but I’ve discovered it’s true for me as well. I was trying to write about time with my mom in a fashion that just wasn’t coming together and I was struggling to get the words down. Once I realized that, well, I’m ready to just let the words flow. I hope my words resonate with you.

I have cousins and friends who no longer have their mom with them in this world. Some lost her when they were young, some older, but all feel the loss. Missing your mom is hard. There’s a special bond between mother and child. After all, she carried you within her body for nine long months. [And yes, there must be a special bond between mother and child when that child is adopted or a stepchild or a foster child. Although it’s not an experience I know, I would think that knowing you were chosen would create a very strong love.] As a woman, especially, there are so many times you ask for advice, ask how she did something, or maybe just want to know how it was for her, whatever it might be. So when that loss occurs, it’s heartbreaking. But this blog isn’t about loss. This blog is about sharing my appreciation for my mom and my time with her, especially over the course of this summer. This blog is honouring those who have lost their moms by making sure that I celebrate my blessings.

This spring and summer have been concentrated on family. I haven’t put the same amount of effort into my yard or my house as in previous years and interestingly, I don’t feel particularly upset about it. I’ve been lucky enough to have time with my son and daughter-in-law, visits with cousins, aunts, and uncles, enjoy regular time with my special uncle, and as always, quite a bit of time with my mom.

Sometimes, especially when we are younger, it can seem difficult to put time with family first. We have so many things to do and opportunities that we’re afraid to miss. What are the chances those “things” will come around again?? What I’ve noticed as I grow older is how precious moments become. Even if those moments are going shopping or watching a football game or driving somewhere, they are times together. And that’s why I started this blog mentioning those people who I know have had to say goodbye to their moms. I want them to know how much I am treasuring this time. I think honouring time with my mom honours them and their memories.

This summer in particular, I have had quite a bit of special time with my mom. We went on a road trip, along with my sister, to see a very special aunt who has been dealing with Alzheimer’s. My mom needed to see her favourite sister and it gave us time together and time with other family in the area. It wasn’t the easiest of trips, in part because of my aunt’s condition and in part because the three of us are very different people. We haven’t spent a lot of time travelling together and don’t have the same rhythms to our lives. I’m an early riser and want to be on the go. My mom is mostly like that but takes her time to ramp up in the mornings and my sister is a night owl. Three different personalities and rhythms in one hotel room! But it was a good trip. I “forced” some side excursions to wineries in the area and we ensured that there wasn’t just sadness to the trip.

The rest of my time with my mom has been in our homes. Sometimes that time together can be a little contentious. I know I irritate my mom because I love to debate. Mostly I want to know what is behind her opinions or her feelings. I’m interested and I like to figure it out. I think she sees it as always arguing, always playing the devil’s advocate. What she doesn’t know is often my gut reaction is the same as hers. Why do I question and “bug” her? Because I want to know how she got to a reaction. I want to know what drove her to think or feel or act like that. Honestly, I rarely vehemently disagree with what she says. I may see a different side of it or prefer to think in terms of a big picture rather than at the detailed level. One morning she shared how something that has been happening for years has really bothered her. And yes, I went done the path of why? Why did it impact her? How did it impact her? And yes, she was definitely annoyed that I asked. But the truth is, as she talked about the situation, I agreed with her. I can’t tell her what to do but I told her what I would do, and I think she appreciated some of the conversation. So, it’s not all bad and it’s not all about me being right or wrong. For me, it’s about figuring out how her mind works. It matters to me because she is a smart woman. She is educated and has travelled and has the strongest faith of anyone I know. She’s social and outgoing and competitive, all things I appreciate in her. Those tough discussions help me to become a better person. And sometimes, we are not going to be in agreement. To be honest, we can’t always be. I haven’t lived her life or her years. We are not going to be the same. We cannot be because we are different people with different experiences and different choices. Those differences are their own blessings. And I honour my friends who have lost their moms, by making sure I appreciate all those special ways that my mom brings blessings to my life.

Last weekend we were at my hometown Highland Games. If you’ve never had a chance to attend a Games, consider checking them out. They are filled with wonderful music, activities and energy. My personal favourite, and the reason I attend, are the pipes and drums. I had cousins who played, and a cousin’s husband is still a piper. There is nothing as stirring for me as that first note from a piper. That first tone almost sounds off-kilter before it becomes something rich and meaningful. That first note is a call to everyone to stop and listen. I don’t even know how to describe that sensation. Anyway, it’s why I love the Games. So she decided to attend with me, and we got to visit with family and friends and hear those haunting melodies. It’s rare that we attend a Games together and it was a real treat for me. It was time without worry or rushing or trying to get things done. There was laughter with my uncles and the joy of music.

We also spent the previous weekend together. My mom loves to go “back to school shopping”. She has one grandchild in elementary school and one just starting college. There’s so much fun in picking out new outfits and finding just the right accessory. My mom is a retired principal and school teacher. She has the same approach to September as I do. It’s the start of a new year! [I’ve never thought of January 1 as the beginning of the year. It’s always been September for me – maybe that’s just part of being raised by a teacher!] When I look at my mom during the “back to school shopping” day, I’m always overwhelmed by what brings her to that day. It’s a love of her grandchildren. It’s the joy that she wants to share with them as they start a new school year. It’s the excitement she gets from trying to find outfits that the little one will enjoy. My niece is becoming very fashionable (after all, she’s ten now!), and my mom gets such a kick out of seeing what’s “in” for the new year. Those moments mean a lot because they are based in love.

One of the things I treasure the most about my time with my mom is that we talk. We talk and talk and talk. Sometimes it’s lightweight conversation about what the ladies were wearing at bridge or what her neighbour is doing with her renovations. Sometimes the conversation is about heavier topics. Those are the difficult conversations. The ones where she wants to share choices that she’s considering for her later years or when she discusses a note in her will. They’re difficult because I don’t like thinking about when she won’t be with us anymore. I don’t want to picture that time at all. But what I’ve begun to accept, and I think it really does come with getting older, is that it’s important to have these conversations. It’s important to know what she wants so that when the time comes, decisions are made based on her choices. Of course I don’t ever want her to leave us but it’s a natural part of life and being prepared for the “administrative” aspects will allow time for the emotional aspects for which there is no preparation.

I’m blessed to have my mom in my life. I’m blessed to have an open and honest relationship with my mom. I treasure our time together, even when we aren’t on the same page. I know there will come a time when I need these memories to keep me going through difficult moments. Thank you, Mom, for giving them to me.

Up front in this picture is one of the lilacs I planted at the end of last season. It’s grown so well this summer. The other lilacs were planted early this summer and are progressing well.

At the end of the summer, the daisies are still looking gorgeous. That yellow colour will definitely be brilliant into the fall.

I’m thrilled with how wonderful my geraniums are doing. They will look great into fall, as well.

It’s been a great growing season. Think of this as a “before” picture. Once the weather cools a bit, I’ll get this trimmed and it will be a neat and tidy entrance to the driveway.