Struggles…
A big purpose behind this blog is figuring out what I want to do when I finally retire. It’s about finding a way to embrace not just retirement, but this time in my life. I’m not ready to slow down so I need to identify my interests. I think I went through life in my 30’s and 40’s a little too fast. I was busy being a single parent and focusing my world on my son. I had amazing friends and wonderful times and remembered to take time for me and yet those years flew by. I don’t have any regrets about the years and maybe it’s just getting older that makes you realize how fast they go. They were good and fun and healthy. What they weren’t is focused on what the future will look like. Retirement is so far away at that age that it’s hard to plan, and I think that’s they way it should be. You think ahead financially, you make sure you’re going to be able to “live”, but it isn’t about who you will be or how you will be or what you will do with your hours.
And now retirement is almost within reach. I’m starting to wonder what will happen on that first day when I no longer have to log in or drive to the office. What will I want to do with my time? I have so many thoughts about it. Maybe getting my PhD will be on the books or traveling. I love traveling and there’s so much of the world I haven’t seen yet. One of those many ideas that run through my head is to be in business. I even know what I want to do; I think a bakery/tea shop/café sort of set-up with a bookstore sounds like heaven. You pick out a new read, and you sit down with tea and a scone or coffee and a brownie and you start into your new book. I know what it looks like, what it feels like, and what I want to get out of it.
After I moved to this little village, I passed a building that is a perfect fit for my vision. Wouldn’t it be great if it went up for sale in five years or so? I’d be able to contemplate making the dream into reality. Sigh…. It’s up for sale right now. And at a very reasonable price. I just moved here. I’m still trying to figure out the house. I’m still trying to feel at home. I’m not ready to retire (and neither is my pension). After spending time sorting through my feelings, I’ve decided it’s not time. It’s a struggle to walk away from a dream when it’s the wrong time. Sometimes it can be a struggle to even reflect on the dream when it’s the wrong time.
I’m still trying to figure out this house. It’s a struggle; almost daily. Why did I leap in with both feet and (perhaps) rose coloured glasses? What made me think that at this stage of my life dealing with the special needs of a century home was a good idea? What ever made me think that I have the energy and creativity to turn this crooked old place into an elegant and welcoming space?
When I noticed the basement walls and some parts of the gravel floor looked damp last weekend, I hauled my dehumidifier down the treacherous stairs and got it started. I must empty the machine twice a day as it sucks the excess moisture out. There is an improvement, but it just makes me wonder why I would leave a perfectly good home for this.
I remember, although these days it’s not always automatic, that I embrace challenge. I am a student at heart. I love learning and I try to consciously approach my life with that as my perspective. So, I’m learning. Not always with gratitude, I might add. Sometimes those lessons are hard pills to swallow. I’ve never been a person to sit back and coast along. I envy those who are; people who work and play and are happy. I always seem to get caught in the big picture and want to change the world. So, perhaps my second half of life focuses on work and play, or I find a way to make a big impact. In the meantime, I still have this house.
This is our Victoria Day weekend, the time most Canadians look toward summer. Our weekend here has been filled with beautiful weather, sunshine (even though the forecast called for rain), and warmth from that sun. It’s also the “go ahead and plant” weekend. It’s when we believe that winter is over. Today I started working on my “inherited” garden beds. I’ll share some pictures once I get the big south-facing bed finished. There was a lot of digging – weeds, stones, and holes for new perennials.
My very hard working nephew and mom returned this past week and put in my new stone walkway. The day was 30C and had a humidex of 35C. The two of them put in a long day in that heat.
Outside of my sheds lies a clutter of stones, dirt, and who-knows-what. There have been some pretty awful messes left for me to clean up. But anyway, some of those stones are very cool – long, relatively flat, and in my mind, perfect for a stone walkway. My mom and nephew, dug and hauled stones, and put in a welcoming and unique addition to the yard. My intent is to make the natural entry point to my home the porch on the side and this walkway is a big step in the right direction (pun intended).
This yard is presenting some interesting opportunities for me. I can see it “in sections”. There will be the part of the yard that houses the pool and with any luck, a lovely deck. I have my dining area, which I’ve shared, there’s the “back shed” area that I’m still trying to figure out and then the rest – a blank slate awaiting a vision. I want to have a spot that is tucked away with a comfortable lounger, perfect for reading. And I want a cutting garden. I have always wanted a cutting garden. I’m still not completely sure what it will look like or where the perfect spot is, but I know it will be special.
Even with struggles and the voice inside your head which sometimes forgets to support and only questions, remember you are not alone. We are all struggling in some fashion. When I sit on my porch and look around, I see the times ahead when I’ll be able to welcome friends again. I see the pool that will provide bliss when the heat hits, and the dining area that will host family lunches and girls’ night dinners. Life is beautiful.
This is before the stone pathway was installed. That big, ugly, black pipe? That is representative of one of the biggest struggles I’ve encountered since buying the house - the basement flood. Due to a very creative mother, look for a change to come. It’s going to be amazing!
The dog inspects the work! It was a lot of work and wow, does it look good! Who wouldn’t want to wander down the path to see me?