Parts…

I decided to write and publish this blog without having it reviewed/proofed/edited. I am doing this because I feel a little raw this weekend. I’ve been fighting some terrible headaches all week and I haven’t been able to shake them. I think sharing the roughness of my writing, captures some of what I’m feeling and allows me to acknowledge my sharp edges.

As I’ve mentioned, I’m actively engaged in therapy. I started because I recognized the need to take care of my mental health and I wasn’t succeeding on my own. I continue because it’s giving me the opportunity to not only feel better but to approach life with a different perspective. I am a person who carries others’ disappointment in me as a heavy weight. It piles on my shoulders until I wonder why my knees don’t buckle. Now, don’t feel sorry for me - this is not a 24/7 way of life. Even without therapy I haven’t let it be the only part of me.

Parts. My therapist has spoken a lot of the different parts we each have within ourselves. For me, there are the good parts and the bad parts. There are some parts that could be both good and bad. I’m a proud person, I have an ego, I have strong beliefs in certain people and institutions, and I’m quick to trust. These can be good and bad parts of me.

I’m going to write a little about how I identify my parts before I talk about what I’m learning. My bad parts are when I get focused on me. Sometimes I judge someone based on what I see on the outside. I remember a commercial where two women were sitting in a mall and they see a beautiful woman walk by. They look at each other and say, “fat ankles”. At least, that’s how I remember the commercial. I don’t remember the product, I remember the judgement. They were searching for something wrong with a “package”, with the outside view of this woman. Maybe the audience giggles because they, too, have been known to do that. The reality is that no one is given a complete picture. Perhaps the woman is beautiful on the outside and fights with self-confidence each day. We don’t know. Well, I am like that too, sometimes. I may see someone do something or present an image that doesn’t align with the way I see the situation and I can judge them harshly. The reality is that I may not have the whole picture. Years ago I remember a professor saying, “1 + 1 = 3”. My math brain did not like that. He was explaining that we may not see the other 1. If I judge someone for a decision taken when I don’t know the “other 1”, I see that as a bad part of me; quick to judgement.

I can become very passionate when I believe in something, especially if I’ve worked hard to make it happen. It’s especially difficult for me if I’ve followed all the steps and rules that are required and I still don’t get the required buy-in. I may become annoyed or worse, angry about the outcome. There are times when I see it as a personal affront. Why would I not be trusted and supported? Again, it may come back to the hidden 1. If I don’t see all of the picture, I can feel unfairly judged. Maybe there is something else I’m not seeing? Or maybe not. There can be times when it does rest with the other person and is not related to a bigger picture. Not only am I not perfect, neither is anyone else.

There are times I find myself feeling superior to someone else. I mean, that’s the way I do it and it works so why don’t you do it the same way? Sounds silly perhaps, but I’m not above thinking that way. I was speaking with a friend about how often we are quick to provide advice to others. Someone may be sharing a struggle they’re having and we just love to give them all the answers. Sometimes the friend might be looking for suggestions and sometimes they may need to vent. Maybe they don’t want to hear what you have to say. Maybe that’s not why they are telling their story. It could be they need to get it out and find their own way and we love to share our knowledge and experiences! Why can’t they learn from us? There are situations where they will take something from our responses and make it work for them. I need to slow down though, and consider if they’re actually asking for help. In fact, I should wait for the request and stop assuming that what I have to offer is what they need or want.

Eating when stressed or sad or lonely is a terrible habit I’ve developed. I know it’s bad for me. I know it’s not healthy. I know I desperately want to get into my clothes. And yet, it’s something that is currently a bad part of me. Starving myself, depriving myself, thinking poorly of myself because of the cookie I ate are all examples of the negative voice in my head that invades my thoughts whenever I fail and reach for sugar.

Beating myself up when I make a mistake is another popular pastime in my head. I’m terrible for it. And there, I did it again. I’m full of faults and failings. So is everyone! I look at people I know and I am so impressed with those who seem to have it all “together”. Most of my friends don’t seem to struggle. They may have small issues that they share from time to time. What I’m most impressed with is their ability to move past or resolve them. Or is it that they find the right “place” for them in their lives and minds? What is it that makes them seem, not only okay, but as thought they’re doing great? I often feel like I’m the odd one out who can’t find happiness. And that, is a really bad part of me.

There are good parts, too. I care about people. I want to see people succeed and do more than just survive. I really want to see people take on the world and excel at something. There is a lot of talk about the younger generations. They don’t want to work hard. They want it all handed to them. They aren’t willing to put in the time to achieve their goals. They think the world owes them. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve seen it in practice. But I’ve also seen people like my son who are willing to learn new things. Those who dive into ventures with goals and aspirations. Those who are working the hours, paying their bills, driving themselves each and every day to improve. That’s what I want to see and what I want to support. I’m alway asking my team what their goals are and how can I enable that achievement?

I am driven to learn and improve. I consider that a good part of me. It exists in my personal and professional lives. It even carries into my home. It’s why I have been working so hard to create my ideal yard. I want this place to be my retirement retreat. I want it to be welcoming, beautiful, peaceful, serene when I need and lively when I want. I see a space outside that meets all of my needs. This summer has been a lot of work towards that outcome.

I am a good mom. The love, support, care, and education I give to my child is indicative of a very good part of me. We are quick to cheer on our children and I think we should also be quick to give ourselves a pat on the back as we celebrate their achievements. I have a friend whose son is heading off to first year university. Two others whose children are starting their second year. Another friend’s daughter is headed off to a new world of learning and growth. My nephew heads to college for orientation this week. Good for them and salutes to the parents and grandparents and teachers who have given these children the tools that built their foundations. I did my best. I know it and I am proud.

I take things to heart. Some people might think this is a “not so good” part of a person. I think it’s what makes me interested in the world around me, passionate about those elements that speak to me, and overall a contributing (I hope) member of society. It’s about caring for more than people. It’s about our systems, our environment, our care for each other, our openness to learn from each other. All of those and more are the compassion I carry in my heart and the desire I have to make the world better in whatever small way I can.

Those are a few parts of me, far from the whole. If you think of yourself I’m sure you will see parts of yourself, beyond what I’ve described here. What are you supposed to do with these, once identified? For me, this is the tougher exercise. As my “homework” I am to look at them. Really look at them. Choose a part and look at it with curiosity. How does it come to be? How does it make me feel? What does it mean or not mean? Even harder is to be compassionate with that part. That is an uphill struggle for me. It’s not a battle, it’s an ongoing pursuit, hence my amendment to the saying. It’s difficult for me to be compassionate to the areas of myself that aren’t pretty. The parts that are flawed. I’m trying. I don’t want to be weighed down by negative thoughts or feelings. I want to face each day with gratitude for the blessings it brings. Recognizing that sometimes I will falter, trip, and fall flat on my face is really difficult. If I can’t be kind to myself, then being kind to others becomes a bit hypocritical. Why is it that when a friend has a rough day, I can be their cheerleader, try to boost them up and validate their feelings (none of which is false) and yet condemn my own self so strongly in a similar situation. Another complexity of our human condition, I guess!

My goal for the week ahead is to be open to my faults, along with my positive attributes. I plan to start each day with a breath of thankfulness for all that I have received in life. I hope that your week brings you what you need.

My new patio is now in use!

It was my niece's 11th birthday this weekend and family celebrated by attending the RCMP Musical Ride. If you ever get the opportunity, please go. It's an incredible experience.