Mirrors…

From Oxford’s online dictionary and with my own slight amendments, the definition of mirror (noun) is a surface reflecting back an image. Now, before I get into this blog, I want to share a voice that is in my head as I write it. I can honestly hear the man to whom I’m referring, chuckling in my ear, as he says he’s so much more than a voice! And he was. This past week our company lost a wonderful team member. He wasn’t just an individual employee, he fully believed in the goal to be one team together. I lost not only a colleague but a very dear friend. Although we’ve only known each other a few years, we immediately went from colleagues to friends. I want to share this because he and I spoke about this topic and he was a huge supporter of my blog. Jim died in an accident at the young age of 47 leaving behind his wife and three children who were his world. We lost a good friend and the kindest soul and I dedicate this blog to him.

Okay, now on to the topic of the blog. Mirrors are fairly simplistic items and I doubt that we think about them very often. I need one to style my hair, put on my makeup, check my face for spots, check how an outfit looks and so on. At the core, they’re pretty straightforward - flat, reflective surfaces. They can be “dressed up” with fancy frames or incorporated into a piece of furniture. I was thinking about how often I use my mirrors. The upstairs bathroom did without a mirror from basically when I moved in until this past July. I was given a beautiful antique mirror and with help from my mom cleaned it up and painted it to match the tub. It was set up to hang vertically but with the work done in the room, vertical didn’t fit so we had to change it for a horizontal alignment and I couldn’t do that on my own. When my son was visiting, he took care of it and finally I had a mirror. I was so used to going to another room, that I wondered if it would take some time to get used to having my reflection right there. Muscle memory can be strong but no, I loved it from the moment it went up.

I have mirrors in each of the bedrooms, although the one in the guest room upstairs could use some updating. I also have a mirror in the sitting room, beside the front door - perfect for checking hat or hair before heading out. There are now mirrors in each bathroom. That makes six mirrors in this small house! AND, if I was being honest, I would love a full-length for my bedroom. I find it funny that I, someone who rarely likes what she sees in the mirror, has so many of them!

So, let me talk about that. About not liking what I see in the mirror. From my experience, I would say that most women go through that feeling, whether it’s daily, weekly, monthly, or merely at some point in their lives. They dislike the reflection that is staring back at them and I think that is due to what we are told is beautiful. For the most part, my looks in the mirror are quite cursory. I’m making sure my hair isn’t standing on end or that I didn’t get newspaper ink across my cheek when I scratched. I’ll spend more time looking if I’m plucking at errant eyebrow hairs. And on the rare occasions when I put on makeup, it’s a much increased length of stare! It often requires some clean up! So, what do I see that I dislike? I don’t focus on wrinkles. I don’t bother disliking my freckles - what’s the point, I’ve had them forever. For me, it’s the weight I’ve put on. I think, given how unhappy I am with myself about the extra weight, it should be easy to stick to a plan to get rid of it. It is not but I have not given up.

I am a driven, ambitious, hardworking individual. I strive to achieve, both in my personal life and in my business life. I believe, at least theoretically, in failure. It really is the best way to learn. But when it comes to myself, I have a terrible time giving myself a pat on the back for the small wins in weight loss. The getting up and walking in the morning, the ending my day with a walk after dinner, the making food from scratch instead of grabbing takeout, the movements of gardening and cleaning that I do on a natural, daily basis. But, the minute I look in the mirror, I see all the fat and I’m devastated, embarrassed, and angry with myself. So, that’s one thing. Feeling sorry for myself or even disappointed in myself is a waste of energy. Do something about it! And that is probably why I don’t like the reflection I see in the mirror. I haven’t done enough to improve, in this regard.

Anyway, that’s just one element of mirrors. There are other reflections that we see in our everyday lives. Think about your membership in a certain group, community, or within your workplace. Do you feel like you belong? Does it feel like a good fit? Where does that feeling come from? I suggest that to some extent it’s due to your own values being mirrored back to you from your fellow members. I spent a few years in a situation that did not feed some of my needs and it was a terrible experience in many ways. That’s not to say that the group was awful or that the people were horrible. In fact, there are a lot of very smart people in that area that have diverse perspectives. Where it didn’t work for me was in my requirement to be a lifelong learner. Personal development was fine but you did it on your own. And I did. For years. And that was okay but it did cause a conflict between my values and the values of the group leadership. When I looked around, that fundamental belief was not mirrored back to me. In my new role, I see full support for that growth and development. That alone makes my new position a better fit.

Once upon a time I felt sure of myself and walked with confidence into rooms. Nowadays, I’m fighting to regain that sense of personal belief. That is something that I am finding interesting to view in my new role. I just spent three days with the management team and what I saw was something I want to see reflected in my own mirror. I saw passion for their roles within the company. I saw people speaking with conviction about their opinions. That is something that has been missing when I’ve looked in the mirror for the last few years and I want it back.

How about the bigger picture? When you look around the world do you see a reflection of yourself? I do and I don’t. I see myself when I see social media posts about upcoming community events. I see myself when I read about women over fifty planning their solo travel trips. Because of certain circumstances I’m not travelling at the moment but I know my next trip isn’t too far away. I see myself when I look around my church and know that I am a contributing member. While I may not put as many hours in as some, I know my commitment is mirrored back to me. I do not see myself when I read about hatred. I do not see me when I think about the horrors that civilians encounter in war.

Back to the personal level. I think some of my best mirrors are my friends. I have chosen them as friends because they’re funny, smart, talented, and caring individuals. I think they show me what I want to see when I look in the mirror. They aren’t perfect, but then neither am I. We choose friends because of what they bring to our lives and because of how they mirror our values. We do not always agree and I believe that’s healthy. I have had very few situations where my values are not aligned with a friend’s. It did happen, once, years ago. A person with whom I was very close, slowly stopped reflecting my own beliefs and values. When the person in that relationship mirror became unrecognizable I left. We have many friends in common so I know she is doing really well. I wish only the best for her but I know that I could not continue looking into that particular mirror. It conflicted with so much that is important to me.

I’ve come to believe that it’s a mirror that helps us with initial connections. When you meet someone and they reflect back your key values, there is a first snap of recognition. If you’re lucky, and I’ve been incredibly lucky over the years, you get the opportunity to learn about the person and to build a strong relationship with them. I mentioned my friend Jim at the beginning of this blog; he was one of those people. There were many differences between us. He worked on the technology side of our business and had a good understanding of “all that stuff”. I came from the operational side. He was male and I was female. He had a wife and three young kids and I’m divorced with a grown son. At the core of it, we both believed in equality, justice, fairness, and hard work. We connected immediately. Both of us believed very strongly in family and loving responsibility. We both loved to read and could discuss books for ages. We both felt that connections among our team was critical to success. He was a much kinder person than I am and he was completely grounded in his role as husband and father. I believe the values that we mirrored to each other is why we connected so quickly and completely. We could end a work day chatting about an upcoming weekend and his camping plans or talk about my pool and how much he enjoyed taking his family to a friend’s pool to relax and cool off. We could carry on a conversation about what was needed to make a project a success and how to encourage the needed work from the team. And we were cheerleaders for each other as we celebrated achievements.

I am blessed to have many good friends in my life. Some have been there for decades, some for a few years, and some for a matter of months. When I started thinking about this blog and how mirrors reflect back to us, I immediately thought of my friends. Sometimes it’s not a mirror that I’m looking at. Sometimes it’s through a window and it’s showing me what I want to improve upon or become. I haven’t really mentioned my family as a separate entity in this blog. In a lot of ways, I consider friends and family almost interchangeable. However, when it comes to mirrors, there are a lot of ways that family mirrors us. When we’re talking biological family, we have similar looks. We may have the same eyes or mouth or ears as a family member. They are acting as a physical mirror. There are other ways that family can mirror us. My niece rarely gets to a point quickly. There’s back story and context first. Well, that is completely me! It’s like looking at a mirror when she gets started! My mother will often comment on how my little niece does something and that it’s like looking in a mirror because my mother does “it” as well. We have so many mirrors around us.

I’ll get working on the physical improvements I want to see in myself. Maybe the mirrors in my bathrooms and bedrooms will become easier to use. In the meantime, I will celebrate the beauty I see that I know is reflected back to me. The love of family and friends, the joy of belonging in this beautiful village, the opportunities to grow and learn in my new job, and the peace of participating in my church. Those mirrors are so much more important than looking at my face for flaws.

I don’t have any news from the house front this week so I hope you enjoy the images below from my recent trip.

From my recent trip to Montreal. Beautiful art installation.

I spent a couple of hours Christmas shopping and was thrilled when I realized I had “stumbled” upon McGill University. I have such a love of education that I am always excited to visit a city and find a school!

From the Assembly Hall at ICAO - it was inspiring to see!